Are We Meant To Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Are We Meant To Be?
5
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:37pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 and a half years now. The first two years we were together, we went to the same high school, and were able to spend a lot of time together. We became incredibly close. Then came college... 4 hours apart. There was never an issue of whether we would stay together or break up, we couldn't imagine our lives without the other. We see each other an average of about once a month except over breaks from college when we are both home. There have been tough times, especially in the last year. We have had our share of miscommunication and being too busy for each other, or having conflicting schedules. We love each other very much, and it's just very difficult to let the other know how much the other is actually on our mind.

My big problem with our relationship in the last year has been his best friend. This is not a best friend that he has always had, SHE'S a friend that we both met about the same time during our high school career. She bacame part of our large group of friends and even dated a very good friend of ours (that happens to attend the same college as I do) on and off for about 3 years. She began attending the same college as him last school year and from what I saw (as the long distance girlfriend) and heard from others, she was always hanging out with him. Understandably (I think), I wished I could be the one that was with him all the time. Over the summer, they were connected at the hip. My boyfriend and I live about a half an hour apart. His best friend lives 5 minutes down the road from him. Probably two days went by the entire summer when they did not see each other. I spent as much time with him as I could, but still it was easier for her to spend time with him. And many times it would be the 3 of us when I would have perfered that it had been just my boyfried and I. I am not worried that she could ever steal my boyfriend form me, I know he loves me deeply and would never hurt me. But I am jealous of all the time she is able to spend with him. She is always avaliable to be with him, where I am not :(.

To make matters worse, the two of them shared an apartment with 4 other friends first semster of this school year. That means that they are ALWAYS together. I feel glad that this semester he took a job equal distance from both she and I (@ 4hours). Do I have a right to be relieved that they are not spending all their time together? I am a senior this year, and I have lots of work to keep up with so it is not possible for me to go see him as often as I would like. She however went down the see him twice in one month and saw him every weekend for the first month he was working. I am completely convinced that she is in love with him. And he agrees with me, but it doesn't bother him cause, as he tells me, "I am the only one for him" and I'm the one he loves. I feel very blessed that he loves me so much. Still, I can't help but be jealous of all the time she can spend with him, and I cannot. I also wonder what impression he gives her by thinking she is in love with him, and still never confronting her about it, and hanging out with her all the time.

They both make a good point in asking why they can't hang out together when I can't be with him. And I have no arguement other than it makes me feel bad that I cannot be with him as much as she can. I hate feeling like we compete for time with him! He likes spending time with her, and I con't want them to stop being friends, I just want to be the one he spends the majority of his time with. Is that too much to ask? He says that he hates that it hurts me that he wants to hang out with her when I can't be there. I have tried to make compromises, but I have potined out to him that I cannot change how the situation makes me feel.

This girl and I used to be really good friends. And this situation has created a rift between us. I have tried talking to my boyfrined, and our friend about how I feel and how their relationship makes me feel bad a lot of the time. I must have done a poor job of explaining myself because I had both of them thinking that I wanted them to completely stop being friends, I would NEVER want that to happen, I know how important friendships are. I just want to feel like his priority. Is that too much to ask, understanding our long history? She even admitted that if her role and mine were reversed, she would feel awful like I do and she would probably not stay with him. I hold a different opinion, I know it's rough sometimes, but wo love each other so much and we want to be together, we feel like life is just not working in our favor currently. I feel like she knows him better than I do, and at times I feel like she tries to rub that in. I try to get her to admit that she is in love with my boyfriend, but then, what would that prove? He already believes the same thing. She has even told me that she feels like it's not her problem that by spending so much time with my boyfriend, she is hurting me. Even though she is my friend too, she doesn't not feel moved to back out ocassionally, or even point out to my boyfirend (her best firend) that he and I deserve more time alone together. I want to stay with him cause we have so many good times despite the bad. Am I cheating my boyfriend and myself by wanting to stay together? Are my expectations too high?

I feel like if we can just make it through these college years, we will be set for a life together. But recently he has said things like "I hate hurting you, cause it hurts me". He mentions breaking up. I want to know if it's worth it for us to stay together, will all of our efforts to keep our relationship together end up with happily ever after or will staying together just cause us more pain? I would hurt so much more if we broke up. He has been such a huge part of my life for such a long time. I don't want to hurt him ever. He says he loves me unconditionally, and I feel like I love him like that too. Then why does it hurt us both so much when he hangs out with her more than me? Is this a matter of trust? cause I really don't feel like it is. Do I not love him enough? Are we not right for each other in long run?

Any advice welcome...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:44am
*sigh* Well....

I'm a bit older and a little out of the loop with young college love but from reading your post I found a couple of things that you might want to consider:

1. unless you are, in general, a jealous type person, there might be a legitimate reason you are feeling this jealousy. Your gut might be telling you something.

2. Your boyfriend may be devoted to you and does love you very much, but you are all at a crucial age and time in your lives where many changes take place. This is when you do a lot of emotional growing and changing. Often times when highschool sweathearts go on to different colleges, they do grow apart. Not intentionally of course, but it does happen because of all the changes that take place. Is this making sense to you? He may be feeling an obligation to be true to you and will see it through to the end, but he does have a solid friendship with this other girl and he does spend a lot of time with her. It is wholly possible that he could end up falling in love with her and you should be prepared for that. I'm not saying this is what is happening now. I'm simply pointing out the possibility.

My suggestion to you is to just keep focusing on your studies. Perhaps you need to start rethinking your future with him. There is so much out there for you to do and explore. You may want to think twice about putting limits on yourself by placing him in this future with you. Being who I am now (and I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this when I was your age) I would let him go now. It's like that saying, "Let it go and if it's meant to be yours it'll come back to you". I think he might need his freedom to explore his own future and you to explore yours. If the love is strong and meant to be you'll end up back together.

Even if you elect not to follow my advice, at the very least you need to get together with him and sit down and talk about everything you expressed here. And make sure the friend isn't present when you do so.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:36pm
I hate to put doubts into your trust for your boyfriend, but I saw little warning flags when you stated that the "girl"friend intruded into your time alone with your bf. And why did he suggest breaking up? He would rather split up then lose this girls friendship? Seems funny.... It's almost as if because you "know" about her, he's taking it like you've given him the Ok to continue this regardless how you feel about it. I don't know that I could be so trusting. He should respect your feelings...it's nice that he's saying he's sorry it's painful for you, but why isn't he doing anything about it? He doesn't have to stop being fiends with her, he just needs to stop spending so much time with her. Would he be so understanding if the tables were turned and you had the close guy friend? I would consider bluemarlin_girls advice. Only you can decide how far you'll let him go. I'm not suggesting an ultimatum, those almost never work lol But he's got the best of both worlds. I don't want to put ideas in your head either...I just think his relationship with her sounds a little fishy. It could in fact, be totally innocent, but I hope if it were, he would value you and your feelings (the woman he loves) over that of a friend.

Just my 2 cents :o) Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 5:29pm
I think it is largely unproductive for you to feel jealous. I do understand where you are coming from, but let's face it, you are in a long distance relationship, which means you can't spend as much time with him as you want, and you can't control what he does in his free time. So if he's going to be best friends with this girl, then to a certain extent you are just going to have to accept that that is the situation. You say you trust him not to cheat on you, so have faith in that trust.

But I do think that there are some important things you need to talk to with your boyfriend. Even if you don't expect him to change his behavior, you should be clear in telling him how you feel. Furthermore, I think it's very sad that when you two do get together, the other girl is there, too! If you don't want her to be there, you should tell him that you were hoping for some quality time together, alone. Be bold and ask him why he wants her to come along, and why he doesn't want to spend time with just you. Take your friend's advice with a grain of salt, because if she is interested in him, then she might be giving you skewed advice. You could also talk to your bf about the fact that your friend is in love with him, and ask him how he plans to deal with it. You two should be able to come to a mutual solution on how to deal with it. Should he confront her? Should you confront her? Should you all just ignore it? etc. Though you cannot control what he does, you could ask him why he wants to spend so much time with her, and whether he would foster other friends to hang out with.

As for the fact that he is now talking about breaking up... well, that put a red flag up for me. There is nothing to do but to ask him straight up what his commitment to you is. If he is commited to you, then he should not be trying to second guess what is best for you. He should leave that up to you to decide and make your choice. I'm afraid that he might be using that as an excuse to break up with you, and make it seem as if he is doing so for your sake. Don't let him use that excuse! If he wants to break up with you, he needs to express his own reason.

Oh, and one more suggestion. The question is not "Are we meant to be?" Rather, the question should be, "Do we want this to be?"

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:15pm
Some things in your post jump out at me.... but first, you are entitled to feel how you feel and you are right you can't help how you feel.

:::I am completely convinced that she is in love with him. And he agrees with me, but it doesn't bother him cause, as he tells me, "I am the only one for him" and I'm the one he loves. ...... I also wonder what impression he gives her by thinking she is in love with him, and still never confronting her about it, and hanging out with her all the time.

This is the big problem as I see it. He thinks she is in love with him too...so by staying in a relationship with him, she's hoping that maybe some day he may feel the same way too. Or that if you ever leave the picture, she might have a chance. So he keeps her around because ? He's such good friends with her, because you aren't around or because he's flattered that she's *in love* with him and likes the attention. This is so how affairs start.

::This girl and I used to be really good friends. And this situation has created a rift between us.

Another bad sign in my opinion because it tells me she probably is hoping to be your replacement at some point.

::She even admitted that if her role and mine were reversed, she would feel awful like I do and she would probably not stay with him.

That's because she wouldn't want to share either.

I feel for you. If he's talking about breaking up, beware! she will be right there to hold his hand and jump in his bed.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:10am
helo luv.

Firstly, i know exactly wat you are going through seeing as though i went through the same thing with my ex boyfriend.I strongly believe that if there was something going on between the 2 of them, then sooner or later somewhere along the line one of them would have slipped up. Secondly trust is an xtremly important thing in a relationship, as i am sure you yourself hav lots of male friends. Hav you ever considered the possibility that there are some things that he feels embarrest to speak to you about,eg sex life, different things that he feels he can speak to her about and not hav to worry about pride or about his ego. sometimes there are things that a man can speak to his friends about, and not his girlfriend...thats just the way it is. You could stand a chance at losing him should you persist. Do not for 1 second doubt his love for you... because if he didnt want you, he would not be with you. Besides every relationship has its ups and downs... it just depends on the strength of your love to conquer it. Just look at it this way..no matter how close there friendship is, you have what matters most... his heart, and that is something she doesnt have.