Are we too different?
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Are we too different?
| Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:54pm |
Hello
My bf and I find ourselves arguing and fighting a lot lately...Here's some background:
We've been going out 8 months. It was really good in the beginning. We are different in that I'm a student, he is not. He smokes like a chimney, loves to drink beer on the weekends(every weekend), I don't drink/smoke at all. He told me he would give up smoking one day but that he'd never give up his drinking. I have no problem with him drinking, its just that he has a bad temper sometimes and so far he's gotten into one really bad fight while he's been drunk (he even ended up in the ER). He acts like a smartass when he's drinking, and so I don't like being around him when he's drinking. We've been arguing a lot lately. Almost every week. When we argue, he acts like he doesn't care about my feelings. He acts selfish and stubborn and I feel like he doesn't know how to put himself in my shoes. I think the problem is he doesn't know how to deal with my feelings. He gets all defensive, or he just doesn't want to talk about it. I also feel lately like I have no priority in his life, as he is always putting work and friends before me. I think this is because he is so frustrated with our relationship. The thing is I feel like it is fixable. I accept that we are different, but what hurts me is the way he deals with our problems (by not really dealing with them). I think we need better communication. He thinks we are just too different, and that we will keep butting heads about little things. But he's talked marriage with me before, alot actually.
My bf and I find ourselves arguing and fighting a lot lately...Here's some background:
We've been going out 8 months. It was really good in the beginning. We are different in that I'm a student, he is not. He smokes like a chimney, loves to drink beer on the weekends(every weekend), I don't drink/smoke at all. He told me he would give up smoking one day but that he'd never give up his drinking. I have no problem with him drinking, its just that he has a bad temper sometimes and so far he's gotten into one really bad fight while he's been drunk (he even ended up in the ER). He acts like a smartass when he's drinking, and so I don't like being around him when he's drinking. We've been arguing a lot lately. Almost every week. When we argue, he acts like he doesn't care about my feelings. He acts selfish and stubborn and I feel like he doesn't know how to put himself in my shoes. I think the problem is he doesn't know how to deal with my feelings. He gets all defensive, or he just doesn't want to talk about it. I also feel lately like I have no priority in his life, as he is always putting work and friends before me. I think this is because he is so frustrated with our relationship. The thing is I feel like it is fixable. I accept that we are different, but what hurts me is the way he deals with our problems (by not really dealing with them). I think we need better communication. He thinks we are just too different, and that we will keep butting heads about little things. But he's talked marriage with me before, alot actually.

You didn't mention ages here but to me I'd guess he's in his early 20's. I don't mean to be rude but he hasn't really grown up yet and is showing signs of immaturity.
Unfortunately I'm going thru the same thing right now and am probably not the best person to give advice on what to do!
All I can say is do what is best for you. If he is upsetting you and hurting you with his words well then he doesn't have the right to do that and it's up to you if you let him. If he puts you second/third after work and friends well it's up to you if you want to be in that position. When you are in your 20's unless you want a serious relationship i don't think you have to be first on a guys list or put him first either. There's a lot of things that should be first on your list right now like school and well what you want!
Maybe you fight b/c there's a lot of pressure to being boyfriend and girlfriend...
If you could just back off a little....start doing things with your friends and take time for you. If he's drinking then don't be around him and then he'll have to choose but don't make him choose. Eventually you'll see what's really important to him and it's up to what you decide to do about it. Can you see past the differences and stay together or would you rather find someone who will put you first and shares your same interest?
You decide and know that we'll be here for you no matter what!