Are we too different?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Are we too different?
5
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:19pm
Hello everyone!

I have been dating a wonderful man for 2.5 years now and we live together. The funny thing is, we have a great relationship on the outside, but lately I have been noticing behaviors in him that are not what I would look for in someone I want to have a future with (And I do want to!). We have talked about marriage, but nothing too serious.

My man is an only child and very (too) close to his parents in my opinion for a 25-year-old man! His parents are very in to a "High" lifestyle involving extreme amounts of alcohol among other influences. My man is not like that when he is away from his parents but his behavior changes severly when he is around that influence! Him and his father drink to the point of belligerence and cruelty. They are really mean to his mother and I! The treatment is just off! His parents party, go out constantly and are pretty mean (Behind people's back), which is usually the polar opposite of my boyfriend's behavior! He is super sweet and so considerate of people, until his father is around.

I REALLY want a future with him, but his parents do not like me. They tell him things like "don't get involved with her (read: marriage)or you will regret it" and that he has to "figure me out". He worships his father and I know that it is really affecting our relationship. Our backgrounds and upbringing are very different too. I do not agree with the exorbitant amount of alcohol, the treatment of women, and the language that his father is in to! I come from a very religious and warm family. It's getting harder b/c I want a future, but now I don't know if i am being irrational in feeling second to his parents or if this is just the way that things are with the "in-laws". I don't particlarly care for them either...But I love him and want US to have a future, I just do not know if he can make me #1 in his life b/c of the guilt that they put on him about me... They play mind games and tell him things like he does not try hard enough to please them and all these horrible things that parents should NEVER tell their kids!

Whatever the case may be, I need some advice! I really need to move on if this is all just a waste of my time! I love him to pieces and he is a wonderful person, but I do not know if I can be a part of that lifestyle for the rest of my life! I can't imagine having a life together under these circumstances...And I really wanted to marry him! We live together, so it's that much more difficult. I really think that his family is the reason why we are not engaged yet b/c they are putting me in a bad light. Other than that we have a fabulous relationship, the type where we hardly ever fight (and when we do it's usually when he's drunk and lies to me). I need to know if he will ever make me the first person in his life or if it's a lost cause? I do not want to be stuck in a dead end relationship wondering when we will make our OWN future togehter! Are all only children this depenedent on their parents for emotional support?? If so, why date me?

Any advice on this situation???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 3:45pm
What a bizarre situation. I have no first hand experience with this but my gut reaction was that it's a huge red flag when someone is like two different people. A nice person around you, but a mean and nasty drunk with his parents. Just remember -- he lived with his parents most of his life and they are a huge influence over the man he now is. I believe it's very important to see how a man treats his mother b/c it reflects how he will treat his wife. Also, how a person is raised directly affects how they will parent their own children. Please remember those 2 things in determining what you will do from here. Your man is both people you see and which one would be the dominant one in a life lived together with you is a guess at this point, but I don't think you should ignore the warning signs he's giving out. I wish you the best in making this hard decision, but don't just go forward with a hope and a prayer. Use common sense too, and listen to your gut instincts. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:23am
I agree with all you said!

It's just hard b/c I really thought that he

was the "One" and we discuss our future all the time!

It's just hard b/c I know that I can not accept his beahvior when

he is around his father! He always puts his parents interest before my own,

but we are hardly ever around them b/c they live in another state.

So sometimes I ask myself if I am exaggerating the situation??

I just wish that he would respect my feelings and be aware of how he is under

the influence!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:53am
I do have advice - you will not like it. Sweetie you need to leave.

When I was 20, I was who you are. I was reared to believe the best in people, I was a "fixer", and I met a guy who from all appearances seemed great to me. I mean, yes, he had large issues, but he was only 18 and he'd had no dad and blah blah blah. Basically it was loyalty, not deserved applause.

I had grown up extremely sheltered, very loved, emotionally too sweet and forgiving (Doormat) and I loved solving peoples problems. (Hero-complex). This guy, the one who drank only with his friends, acted like an idiot only around his friends, lied to his mother but 'never to me!!' got me pregnant. We'd been engaged for over a year already so we married. Welcome to hell on earth from about two months into the marriage. He started drinking alone, would NOT work, would NOT be there for me, and began - while I was carrying his child - to cheat and to hurt me emotionally at first. Horrible horrible things that you would never want directed at you, I heard on an hourly basis. Then, the physical abuse came. It was not when he was sober for the longest time. But, he knew that he did that type of thing when he drank and yet he still chose to pick up a bottle with that knowledge, didnt he?

The plain and simple truth of the matter is that being drunk is NO N-O excuse. Whatever someone does to you drunk, that is their true self coming out whether you want to see that or not. They cant take the effort of keeping up acts when they are drunk. Alcohol doesnt change who you are, it loosens your inhibitions - that is all there is to it. What he does when he is drunk, he does because his walls are down, he doesnt care what you think, he knows he can later blame it on the drinking.

You can sit there and write that he has been great other than drinking for 2 and a half years, and I can believe that. Mine was good for three before I was standing in front of a mirror at eight months pregnant with a razor in my hand and my wrist exposed. I am an eternal optimist, so you can only imagine the pain that I had to go through to reach the point of suicide. I didnt care about my religious beliefs anymore, I turned away from my whole family, ashamed, and only cared about not hurting anymore. I couldnt see past it. I would like to tell you that I didnt because of my religious beliefs, or my family, but at the time it was just that I was too chicken to follow through with it.

That whole life changed me permanently. I had to learn to take up for myself (which I had never done) and I had to learn to shelter myself until someone came along six years later who wanted and was deserving of my love.

I cant tell you how much the way that he was raised has affected him, he doesnt even see it in himself, but if you stay with him, you will. I wonder if you dont know that somewhere inside and thats why marriage has been wanted, but never followed through with.

Even though you two have been together for this time, he is still, even now, on his best behavior. You can still walk away quite easily and that stays in the back of his head. He keeps his head screwed on straight...except around his family, the one place where he can be himself, totally relaxed and you are now in his world. If you dont like the way that his parents treat each other, and especially their child, you need to leave. One of these days, that could be YOUR son done that way by your boyfriend. Will it take that? God, I hope not but it took that for me to leave my horrendous first marriage. That hurts the worst, not only did I cheat myself when deep down I knew better, but I cheated my children in the first two years of their life.

There are some things that MUST be alike if you want even a decent marriage and that is the outlook of treatment of each other, treatment of future children, and your family backgrounds. If you are raised one way totally different from him, it will show itself the most when you become a parent and then you could have permanently tied your child to a person who is NOT a decent person, much less parent.

I dont know if any of this has helped you but I hope you will at least think on this. Good luck

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:58am

You are very wise to step back and question this situation you are in. When you marry someone, you marry not only them, but their families and their entire background. This is inevitable - especially in this case where your boyfriend is so deeply (and pathologically) influenced and affected by his parents - who sound disturbed and destructive. Be careful here. Men, especially men who "worship" their fathers, take them as their role models. Often when they marry they re-create the same kind of marriage their fathers had. Even now, it is completely inappropriate for his family to be nasty to you. Your boyfriend should be standing up for you and protecting you, putting a stop to it. But isntead he joins in. This is a very bad sign. It is also a very bad sign that they treat his mother badly. There is a sick family system here, and you are being pulled into it. (No, this is certainly not the way all families behave - or families of only children). Also, it sounds as though there is a definite problem with alochol here. Take a long step back before you go forward with this situation. Even though you love your boyfriend, he becomes another person when he is with his family. This is also a part of him. Unless your boyfriend is willing to face this situation and deal with it (professionally), you are treading in dangerous waters..it seems almost impossible for a backlash from this disturbed family not to affect you - (and certainly your children).


Go for some professional counselling yourself on this matter. Your entire future well being is at stake.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:59pm
Thanks everyone for their help!

I really appreciate it!

I do think that I will seel professional help too just

to see if I can give my guy and information...

I am going to talk to him about this tonight so I will let

you all know how it goes :)

I know that I can not live in the shadow of alcohol and meddling parents!

If he wants to really create a life with ME, then a lot has to change...which we all know it's not going to.