arghhh need to make a decision(long)
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| Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:20pm |
So here's some history. I got pregnant & we got married after dating for 6 years. Everyone laughed & said that we put the cart before the horse. His family thought I did it on purpose to trap him. (wrong) So while pregnant I was put on bedrest & we lost the deposit on our apartment. 2 weeks before we were supposed to move in he got cold feet & didn't think we could afford it. So we lost $800.00 because it was too late to get the money back. The first of many money mishaps. So I wound up moving in w/ him & his mother. It was so awful. So was mean & his sister made things even worse because she's the favorite & always gets her way. I had a nervous breakdown & wound up getting committed for a week. If it wasn't for my son I would've probably killed him,his mom,sister & then offed myself. Healthy huh? Well after she called us white trash I was dtermined to get outta her house so we moved to a tiny apartment & tryed to survive. Because of a major raise at work we were able to move out & buy a house.
So about a year & a half after we moved into the house I had another baby & when I came back management had changed over. It was the most hateful women on the planet & I dreaded going to work so much I started to have panic attacks. By xmas I had put in my 2 weeks to save my sanity & at that point my marriage. I was miserable to be around. Money suffered a lot due to this decision but I did the best I could. My h decided that I must be spending it when things got tight. But keep in mind he was used to living the good life. So he decided to have his money direct deposited into an account he opened without me. He lied about it but when caught said it was to"keep my grubby hands off his money". I was working at the time just not making anywhere near what I had been. I had never lied to him ever in all the years that we had been together & thought honesty was the foundation of our relationship. I wanted to throw him out but I didn't. He continued to lie to me. He also took the handling of the finances away from me . We filed for Chapter 13 to avoid losing our home. He said if we lost the house it would have been my fault & he would divorce me.
So I trusted him w/ the money. Big mistake. Within three months he had our mortgage payment behind & they were threatening foreclosure (again). I had no idea. He lied to me & took mail out so I couldn't find it. He was angry all the time. I begged him to get a counselor since I knew what he was going through having been there before. He didn't & wound up getting fired from his job. He was mean to me & withdrew affection. So I gave up. Nothing was making him or I happy. I wound up finding new happiness outside of the marriage. I am not proud of it but it wasn't planned.
We seperated last summer & got back together by september. I had pushed the other man in my life out & wanted to work on my marriage. We had borrowed the money to pay our debts off & both had new jobs. I was optimistic that he was really gonna stop lying. I was wrong.The last straw should have been this. He was to have insurance in a month after started his new job. He promised me he filled the paperwork out. Come October I started to ask where our insurance was. He blamed it on the people in his office. My daughter got a very serious upper respiratory infection & that was when he broke down & told me he didn't turn the paperwork in on time. We would have to wait till open enrollment. I was so mad & hurt we had to take my daughter to the hospital w/ no insurance. Had I known I could've at least gotten state ins. for the kids. Also he said he put his paperwork in to get direct deposit I'm still waiting. He gets paid on a fri & founds aren't available till tues.
So meanwhile my other man is concerned about me & I turned back to him for support. He gave me money & said he would help in any way he could. Then he told me he loved me & that I deserved to be treated better. All of this right before he left for the desert (he's military). I said goodbye at the airport & told him I wa scared. He said he was too but it would all work out. So my husband figured it I had been having an affair. Now he is trying to convince me to give him just one more chance. He's been really great. He's been paying bills on time fessed up about his other lies & we even were able to refinance our house at a lower rate. He's finally acting like the husband I always wanted for the first time since we've been married. Problem is I think it's too late. I'm not in love w/ him anymore. He doesn't make me happy. The kids adore him & my parents said I really need to consider everything at stake. Of course they don't know about the affair. We start marraige counseling in 2 days. I just want to seperate from him & do it right this time.
I need time to think I don't want to make the wrong choice. He thinks the fact that I haven't left him is a good sign. I'm just stuck. I love my military guy. He makes me happy.He took better care of me than my h ever did. And he'll be home in a month. I'm so confused I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry for the novel but I figured background might help. I just want to do waht's right for everyone involved. But I know someone is gonna get hurt. I just don't want it to be me anymore...PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi!
I think I can give you some advice. This all seems very complicated, but I think once you go to counseling it will start to smooth out.
First of all. About the guy in the military. You say that he makes you happy, but think back to when you first met your husband. Did he make you happy? Do you see where I'm going? You can fall "out of love" with everyone. It's the test though that most people fail. They think just b/c they aren't in love they can't stay together. It's up to them to work it out and stick together. That's the whole purpose of marraige!
Maybe the reason why you think youre not happy with your husband is because you still have a lot of anger towards him about the past. I think if you talk with him and go to counseling you will be able to get it out in the open. That is the first step towards coming clean.
I think that you should tell the guy in the military that you need to cool it for now. He will only make matters worse for you knowing that you are vunerable. You vowed to stay loyal to your husband, even through the most tough situations. So try to stay true to that. Also, if you separate from your husband it will only tempt you to be with the other guy. Don't do that to yourself!
I hope this helped!
Rachel