arrogance
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arrogance
| Sun, 09-19-2004 - 5:02am |
I have been going out with a man for several months. He knows a lot more than me - has done a lot more in his life,had several jobs, been to all sorts of places, etc. Recently I felt it was about time to introduce him to some of my friends. The experience was disastrous. He gave them a 'my life story' in about 2-3 hours, was very overbearing, showed no interest in what they had to say for themselves (which admittedly was nothing - but then they got no encouragement), etc. My friends got fed up, and don't want to meet him again. I can cope with that, and that is not the problem. My problem is that the next time he meets someone, e.g. my family, I dread going through the same 'I am, I can, I have done...' again. I really don't want that to happen. There is no need - because he is clever and funny and perfectly able to talk about all sorts of things without it. How can I tell him, without hurting him, that his potted life history comes across as arrogance, and is a turn off?? Has anyone had the same experience??

The ONLY way you can tell anybody ANYTHING....is to basically lay your cards on the table.
Not an easy thing for many of us to do, especially if the man you're seeing is clever and funny! However...if you're dreading a "future family encounter" with this guy...you've got to tell him that several of his comments and the tone of his voice have been a problem for you and your friends.
You'll probably get one of 2 responses:
1. "I was unaware that I was coming on SO STRONG. I hope I didn't offend you or any of your friends? Let me see if I can work on this problem?"
2. "I am what I am and say what I think. If you can't accept this about me...maybe we should stop seeing each other for awhile?"
Granted...it's a 50/50 crap shoot. But the WORST THING to do is to expect the problem to go away because....IT WON'T!
Pianoguy
If he is just this way, how can YOU stand him? Does he care about YOU? Does he ask about YOU and your interests or is it all about HIM all the time?
Perhaps you are too tolerant of his behavior and it will hurt you in the long run...
i agree that the only way to tell him - is to tell him. i can tell you, from my experience, that he is going to be very touchy about this. in fact, in many ways he sounds just like my ex. (sorry, but that is NOT a compliment!). so you can say something like "honey, you may not be aware of this, but....."
but of course, i also wonder what you are doing with a guy like this? just because he has had several jobs and trraveled blah blah blah doesn't make him smarter or better than anyone. just my 2 cents. (having been in this kind of relationship....)
I suspect I might get something closer to your second alternative reply - i.e. 'I am what I am, do what I do, say what I say ...'.
But I do get that I have to tackle the thing somehow.
It's a bit scary - I really don't want to make the guy angry. But yes, OK, point made.
Thanks.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I haven't met any of his friends - I don't think he has many. More excuses - some men don't.
We actually get on very well - I was a doormat with my husband (ex) and I don't think I am being a doormat here. But it's not being a raging success either!!
put yourself in his shoes and think: maybe he isnt bragging or being arrogant. is it possible that he feels intimidated by your freinds or family and feels the need to go on about himself in order to be accepted? Is it possible that he is nervous and just wants to make a good impression for your sake?
my husband is a little on the arrogant side as well. he is extremely intelligent, well-traveled and successful and when we began dating, even though i was a little impressed and intimidated by his experiences, it was actually HIM who was intimidated by ME, you know? He was inlove for the first time and nervous about doing everything right and making that impression. So with my freinds and parents he often "over" talked about where he went to school, where he had worked and does work, all the places he's traveled overseas etc etc... and it was like "ooooook!" you know?
but it was just because he was nervous.
i wouldnt go so far as to call him arrogant yet, especially if he treats you well.
just remind him that your freinds and family are very humble and would love him just as much if he were penniless or never been out of the US.
=)