Ashamed of jealousy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Ashamed of jealousy..
1
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:40pm
My boyfriend of 9 months has a 6-year old daughter from a previous relationship. I disagree with some of the ways he does things with her (such as her bed time, him being undressed in front of her..etc..) but I keep to myself because it's HIS kid. But that's not my problem. I think I am jealous of her. He has never told me that he loves me, by the way..and with the way I'm acting I don't know if he ever will. His daughter sleeps in his room with him because of his roommates renting his other two rooms. I think that's crap. She's 6, she needs her own room and doesn't need to sleep with daddy. She doesn't need to see him undressed. She doesn't need him to hold her hand every night when she goes to sleep, either, and that's what he did last night that really set me off. I thought he should have told her "GO TO SLEEP" when instead he says "ok honey" and flips around in bed and his feet are in my face so he can hold her damn hand. She's 6. She needs to grow up. He has her every other week. I feel like a loser for feeling this way but is it jealousy or what? This kid is a total brat most of the time, too. She's torn between two parents so she has two different routines.. but neither parent has any sort of routine for her. I have suggested to my boyfriend that he starts a routine for her but he thinks she's fine.. RIGHT. Staying up until midnight every damn night isn't good for a little girl who gets up at 6 in the morning with her daddy to go get dropped off at daycare. But it's the holding her hand at night that bugs me. That's his baby girl, though. Who the hell am I to say he can't do these things? That's what's driving me nuts. I think I'm jealous. How the hell do I cope with this or get my point across or what do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 6:17pm
While it is his daugher, I would question some of the things he does with his daughter also. Probably due to the separation/divorce from her mother, he's allowed guilt to influence his behavior choices, catering to her, etc. You are basically noticing that you have different styles of parenting and they won't get better on their own. So my suggestion is that you either 1) walk away now, or 2) since you don't have kids of your own, to ask him to attend a parenting class with you, offered from a local counseling office. It would be a step in the right direction.

While this story isn't exact, Dear Abby has some good advice.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rick," and I have a 4-year-old daughter, "Carmelle." When I brought Carmelle home from the hospital, she slept in a crib in our bedroom and I'd bring her to bed with me for midnight breast feedings so I could sleep.



Since then, Carmelle has refused to sleep in her own bed. I placed a child bed next to ours in our bedroom, and each night I'd tuck her in. But she would cry, so Rick would let her climb into ours. For the past year, she has slept between us. The situation is now bordering on the ridiculous. I often wonder why I bothered to have my tubes tied.


Carmelle has a room of her own that I recently furnished, but she refuses to use it. I now sleep alone in our king-sized bed. That's because I told Rick I didn't want her wetting in my bed any longer. I thought a brand-new bedroom set with a twin-sized bed would encourage Carmelle to sleep in her room and Rick to sleep with me. Well, it backfired, and I continue to sleep alone, while my husband sleeps with our daughter in her bed. Have you any advice for me? -- ABANDONED IN PALM BAY, FLA.


DEAR ABANDONED: Take your daughter to her pediatrician for an examination to determine why she's still wetting the bed. There are medications and devices that can help her -- but first you must determine what's causing the problem.


Once that's done, it's time for you and your husband to have a heart-to-heart about why he's sleeping with his daughter instead of his wife. If necessary, have it in a marriage counselor's office. In some cultures, a "family bed" is a tradition (in our culture it is much less so), but even then, the husband and wife find time to be alone with each other. For the sake of your marriage, you must resolve this important issue, so don't put it off any longer.


P.S. Some sessions with a child psychologist might also be helpful. Your little girl isn't going to like it when her routine is disrupted, so be prepared.




Carrie