Asking God for reassurance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Asking God for reassurance!
9
Mon, 07-28-2014 - 8:20pm

Ok..so those that are on the religious side will most likely be the only ones to "get" it and maybe (hopefully) help me in some way...

I have been a member on this message board for the past few years.  In that time, I had been ambivalent about my marriage and not sure of what to do.  To cut to the chase, I had/have decided that divorce is my answer.  So, I left in March.  It's now July and the last and final thing to do is to make my last move and contact a lawyer.  Needless to say, I'm dragging my feet.  I guess it's fear mostly holding me back.

So I'm looking to my faith for reassurance.  I just ask God and all the angels in heaven to HELP give me more reassurance to know I'm moving in the right direction.  I'm asking them to show me signs.  Well, I'm getting quite the opposite!  Every day, I see or hear something that does nothing but REMIND me of my husband.  It's not like the typical little things either.  It'll be a song I haven’t heard in years, seeing something completely RARE or even seeing not one but two of our old neighbors in the same store on the same day when I've been to that store a thousand times before and that hasn’t' happened.  I don't know what to make of all this!  I know I'm more in tune to this stuff because of what's going on but it's so often and a lot- I just don't know that it's a coincidence. 

So, for those of faith- what would you make of this?  I feel like God is trying to slow me down or something..or change my mind! Undecided

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-28-2014 - 8:31pm

I was raised Catholic and while I'm not a regular church goer I do still believe in God.  Everybody has their own interpretation of faith, but I just don't believe that God is sending you these literal signs.  I do believe that it's your subconsious sending you a message.  For example, since you are on heightened alert now, maybe you are paying attention to a certain song that you wouldn't have noticed before.

Divorce is a big step and unless there is abuse or something like that, it's not always a 100% clear decision. But if you thought about it and you're confident you are making the right decision, then you have to trust that.  So you have been living separately for a few months--do you miss your DH or are you relieved that you aren't with him any more?  I think that's the "sign" you really have to pay attention to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 10:10am

Thanks for your reply Musiclover.  I'm into "signs" and messages that are sent to us as guidance and answers.  So when I'm literally ASKING for those signs, I can't help but put them all together and think it's some kind of message!

I do feel pretty confident in my decision and think this is the best thing.  We have been through so much in our relationship (SO much!) from before we even got married, when we were engaged and now married.  This is my 2nd separation too in our marriage (please...I know- what more of an answer do I need, right????).  It's just SO hard...so hard to imagine this is it.  So hard to imagine him not being a part of my life anymore.   I know our marriage is basically butchered at this point.  There is nothing left.  Not to mention- HOW MUCH more am I going to put him through? It's always been me making these moves and he just waits and waits.  On the flip side though, I know this divorce is going to tear him apart.  He's already said it so many times..."do you know what this is doing to me?"  That makes me feel really good inside! (sarcasm...lol)

Anyway, thanks again for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 12:03pm

I also believe in God, and I believe that he gave us free will, and intelligence to use that free will correctly.  "Signs" are nothing more than your subconscious, weighing your options.  If you feel that you want or need a divorce, then that's what you need to do.  You are responsible for the well being of ONE person........yourself.  What it will "do" to your husband is his choice....whatever he allows it to do.  In most divorces, only one person wants out, and the other has to accept what it is.  I stayed married to an alcoholic cheater for 18 years, because I stupidly worried about what it would do to him.  When I finally made my decision, not only did he beg me not to, he threatened suicide.  I crossed my fingers and told him that whatever he decided to do was up to him....that my decision was made.  Of course he did NOT commit suicide, he just drank more (which was a form of suicide for him).  But that was HIS choice, my choice was to save my own sanity, and that's what I did.  I didn't get any signs from God.....I used my own God-given intelligence to decide what was best for ME, and for my sons, and I did what I had to do.  I felt sorry for him afterward, too.....but his way of life was HIS choice......he had deep problems which I didn't recognize until after we were married.  I didn't look back, I made a new life for myself, and I don't regret anything I did.

You need to decide what is best for you and for your life.  It has nothing to do with him.  He's an adult.  If you went out and got killed in an automobile accident today, he would still be functioning tomorrow.  Do what you have to do, and don't worry about what he will do.........he'll take care of himself, or he won't.  And if he doesn't, that's HIS choice and has nothing to do with you.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 4:09pm

I think if one is looking for signs, they can find some. Who knows how many times those same signs may have happened over the years but since you were not looking for any, you didn't notice them.  Couldn't one also view other things as signs. Such as your husband doing and saying all the things that you have led you up to this point of divorce. I don't remember the details of your situation, but if for example your H was using hurtful words, then couldn't that be viewed as a sign to leave? So my point is as with everything, it depends on your point of view.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 11:56pm

"Signs" are like prayers.  As you said, there may be many signs, but people don't always see those signs.  The same goes for "prayers".  A person prays to win the lottery.  They don't win......so they say God didn't answer their prayer.  Not true.  God DID answer their prayer.....the answer was:  You aren't going to win the lottery!  And maybe not winning was a "sign" that a person should get a better paying job, or save their money instead of wasting it.  The poster needs to decide what she needs to do, and when she calls a lawyer, THAT is a sign!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 12:26pm

I know Fissa...you're right in saying what he does is his own choice and I'm only responsible for myself.  That's been something I've been working really hard on learning!  It's just very hard when you know that YOU are the one causing this pain to the other person.  It's very hard to swallow and just so sad!

Katru- you make a good point too and that's something I thought about plenty of times throughout the marriage!  We'd be planning on a vacation or to do something to progress our marriage, and we'd have this blow out of a fight and I'd think "is it a sign???" I guess I make myself a little crazy with it.  

At the end of the day, I know I just need to do what I feel is best for myself.  I just pray for the guidance and the courage to do it! 

Thank you again for the replies.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 12:56pm

You mentioned "fear" in your first post.  If you visit these board frequently, then you know that most women "fear" ending a relationship......and they express that fear by saying "I am afraid to be alone".  Is that your fear too?  If you're in a bad marriage or relationship, you're already "alone".  Many people get married in the first place because of that fear.  I'm one of them.  I wasn't popular as a teen, especially with boys.  I only dated one guy before I met my husband.....after two years of dating, we got married.  There wasn't even a real "proposal"......it was just something we talked about like "when we're married we will.........".  When I met him, he was sweet, he didn't swear, he didn't drink, he was polite, and he was a hard worker.  Looking back it WAS a fear of sorts.......he seemed like a good man, and I didn't want to be "alone".......especially since most of my girlfriends were married or engaged.  I'd met his parents many times, but when we got married, we moved into their home, the upstairs apartment.  It was a great 5 years, but I also realized that my MIL was the one who ruled the household, I realized she'd verbally abused my husband and loved to talk to strangers about him.......how as a little boy he got dirty, and he messed up his clothes, etc.  I never understood that, isn't that what little boys do?  All was well until we bought our own home and moved away from his mother.  Once we were away from her.......all hell broke loose!  It turned out he was afraid of her, or maybe just trying desperately to please her for once.  He started drinking, cheating, being abusive to me and our sons, and I put up with it for 13 years......and then saw a lawyer.  I still had a little fear of being "alone", especially raising 3 sons, 2 of whom were teen agers.  I also worried about HIM.....I knew he would get even worse, BUT.......that was his problem not mine.  The first 5 years proved that he COULD be a good husband, but once he was away from the watchful eye of his mother.......he went crazy.  Obviously no respect for ME!  So, after not working for almost 20 years (couldn't work, there might be men there and I might talk to one!.....he was cheating, but he was extremely jealous of me, too!) I went out and got a minimum wage job just to work my way back into the "work force".  My lawyer said he would set it up that HE would make the house payment (15 more years) and pay child support.  I said NO......I want the house in my name, and I'll make the payments.....because I knew he was ANGRY at me for the divorce, and he would "punish" me by not making the payments.  I was right!  I didn't even get the child support I was owed.  I walked out of that courtroom feeling like a ton of weight had been lifted off me.......I was alone and I was HAPPY about it.  I have never regretted my decision.  The night before court, he BEGGED me not to go, he cried, he promised to change.......that was SOOO hard for me......but I stayed firm.  When he realized I wasn't going to change my mind, he said....."Ok, then I'll get married".  WHAT?????   I laughed at that, I thought it was his last ditch threat to make me change my mind.  He left.  He never showed up for court, and he DID get married a month later....to his current girlfriend.  Our divorce hadn't even gone thru yet!  That marriage lasted 10-12 years, and according to his neighbors, they had knock down drag out fights every night......they were both alcoholics.  She divorced him too, and he proceeded to drink himself to death.  But thru all of it, none of it was MY fault,and I wasn't responsible for his emotional problems.  I felt bad for him, but his problems were his own doing.  I even went to the hospital with my son when he was on his deathbed and unconscious.........to say goodbye I guess.  Alone is good!  You're on your own already......you can deal with it.   What he does, how he deals with it is HIS problem, not yours.  You are responsible for only ONE person, yourself.  Be glad you don't have children, and you can live your life any way you want to now!  Enjoy it.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 7:27pm

Just want to ditto what every one else has already said.  

I don't ask for signs or answers to specific things.  I pray for his will and the power to carry it out.  You have the clarity, it is the "carrying it out" that you are struggling with, and grasping for reasons not to follow through.  

I have a history similar to Fissatore.  Luckily, I got out when I was very young, but you have to remember that you can't control what your DH does, or does not do.  

Good luck and I hope you let us know how it goes!

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Sun, 08-03-2014 - 11:55am

Fissa...thanks so much for sharing your story and your encouraging words.  It really does help.

Serenity, your worded it so well. I feel like I HAVE the clarity but now I just need to strength to carry it out and I guess I AM grasping at things to give me reasons not to.

His birthday is coming up this week and I think the best gift I could give him is to make the last move so HE can move on with his life and get everything he's always wanted and deserves.  He's done nothing but have his life on hold because of ME for the past 5 years.  I feel like I owe it to him to "set him free" and help him move on.

Thanks for the replies.