attention and lack of

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
attention and lack of
6
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 3:38pm

hi! I've been married for alittle over 2 years, but it feels like more than 20. we both have 2 children each from previous relationships. we have raised our children completely different from one another. i raised mine with rules and discipline and consequences. he lets his children run amoke. my children have to do chores while his children do nothing. it hurts me to watch my children do their chores while his children get to make a mess and watch tv. in the beginning of our courtship his children were angels. they listened to me, they helped out without me asking, they even began to call me mom. but once their mother heard that everything changed. they began being rude, and back talking, cursing at me, treating me differently. i'm not saying i'm perfect but i do not allow my children to back talk talk to me or my husband. he just allows them to say anything they please. how do i get my husband to understand that it is not right to let his children get away with everything and my children take the burdon of doing everything. this weekend was the first time time that i opened my mouth and told his children to everything my children do. and now my husband is not speaking to me. we didnt een stay in the same room last night. im on the verge of leaving because of all the tension in the home at this moment.what do i do ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 4:11pm

Welcome to the board goddessbleedingheart,


I've asked the Mods to move your post to the top folder so more people will see it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 2:52pm

Welcome to the board,


Blended families are always hard. I second Carrie's suggestions of a parenting class. Also would it be possible for you and your husband to sit down and agree on a set of rules that allowed to all of the children instead of having a seperate set for yours and his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 7:09pm
Thank you all for your input on my problem with my situation. I'm sad to announce that my husband and I have decided to separate for the time being. There are too many differences in the way we raise our children. He says that he only gets to see his children every other weekend and I have mine everyday so the chores belong to my children. So I'll let yall know if the situation changes for now til then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 10:06am

((Hugs)) I am sorry to hear that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 11:08am

Things should be equal across the board for the kids, from discipline, to affection, to courtesy and respect. Regardless of who the biological parents are, the parenting is getting done in the home by you and your husband.

This "my children" "your children" thing has to stop immediately if this is going to work for the two of you. Did you or did you not decide to get married to each other and blend your families? Because to this point, you have not. And you're reinforcing the GAP and SEPARATION within your home with this subconscious use of the word 'yours' and 'mine.' Start immediately to use the word "Our."

I don't have children of my own, but I did have four stepsons when I was married and there was none of that going on. When I got married, I took on the responsibility to be a mother-figure to them, and so they were "my" kids, too. His kids are in essence, your children now and your children are in essence his children now. If you two can't figure that very basic thing out, I'm not sure what, even counseling, would help.

But, if you can re-program your thinking to seeing "his" kids as "yours," then nothing could stop you from creating a great home life for all of you. And he'll most likely than not follow if you ask for his support and LEAD by example.

ETA: I just read down to the end and I saw where you two have separated, I'm sorry about that. Wish my post could have gotten to you sooner, I do believe a shift in thinking would have alleviated this.

Good luck,
CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
CL-Understanding Men




Edited 7/9/2008 11:12 am ET by i_b_sandradee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 11:24am

This is a very serious and upsetting situation. It is difficult to put a "re-constructed" family together under best circumstances, but it is crucial that the parents be in alignment and present a united front. Otherwise, it becomes us against them and tears everyone apart. Seems as if his children's mother did a good job in poisoning them against you. But beyond that, it is definitely his responsibility to stand up for you, to decide with you about basic rules and boundaries, and then for the two of you to work hard together to make sure that your mutual standards are kept, and jealousy and divisiveness do not take place. Unfortunately, at this time his primary loyalty is to his children and his former family configuration. Unless he can change his primary loyalty to you, the marriage and the new family, there is no chance that this situation can work.


Right now you desperately need professional counseling. It seems he might be unwilling to go. Marriage therapy, family therapy and individual therapy, all or any combination of these would be good. If he won't do it, go yourself and get the help, clarity and support you need in making a healthy choice for yourself and your family.