Aways last in my BF life
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Aways last in my BF life
| Thu, 01-29-2004 - 4:07am |
I know I should not complain since I knew what I was getting into from the begging. But you see I am naive and I did not realize what I was doing untill it was too late. I am a 21 year old college student, that still lives with her parents, and does not work. I had no worries and no complications in my life untill last year, when I met the "man of my dreams". He, a 29 year old, Police Officer with a couple babes. So I take full responsibility, I should have known better. I knew he was a Police Officer and as such had long irregular hours. I also knew that he had two young kids and a common law wife. But in the begining it was fun even a little liberating, I had the best of both worlds, I had a guy who adorded me and I could still go out on weekends with my friends. Then feelings started getting in the way, I wanted more, He could not give me anymore. He works an average of 50 hours a week Thursday thru Monday. The rest of the week is divided between college and his kids. That leaves me with very little. We have been together for a year and I am desperatly in love with him. But I am also so tired of crying myself to sleep every night. In the begging I would hear from him atleast once a day, now this past week I only recieved one call and saw him once. When we are together I forget all my pain and saddness, with him is the only time I am happy now a days, i stopped going out on weekends because I always felt guilty after wards.
Lately he has been talking about marrige and how that would solve my problem, of not having him around as much as I want. I am scared that it wouldn't solve my problem and I still would be miserable married to him. I do love him, I just don't think I will ever be happy being last in his life, after his kids, his job, his family, somewhere after that it will be me. I am miserable, but I am so afraid to loose him. I think he just wants someone to be there for him and since I have put up with it for over a year, He thinks I will keep putting up with it when we are married. When ever I voice my doubts all I get from him is that he doesnt want to loose me and to "hang in there."
I am tired of "hanging on," but he can make me so happy when i'm with him that I dont want to let go. I am desparate please help.
Lately he has been talking about marrige and how that would solve my problem, of not having him around as much as I want. I am scared that it wouldn't solve my problem and I still would be miserable married to him. I do love him, I just don't think I will ever be happy being last in his life, after his kids, his job, his family, somewhere after that it will be me. I am miserable, but I am so afraid to loose him. I think he just wants someone to be there for him and since I have put up with it for over a year, He thinks I will keep putting up with it when we are married. When ever I voice my doubts all I get from him is that he doesnt want to loose me and to "hang in there."
I am tired of "hanging on," but he can make me so happy when i'm with him that I dont want to let go. I am desparate please help.

Christina
Carrie
But I can't move in with him and he knows that. That is why he has brought up marriage. I have avoided the subject like the plague, because of my doubts and insecurities. Plus I am only 21, I am not the most mature person in the world (by far), I don't think I am ready to be anyone's stepmom, (he has a 10 yearold daughter and a 4 yearold son). I hate any kind of friction and my comunication skill are lacking. There are a lot of things about his past that I dont know about, and I would prefer not to know. I haven't yet met his kids, (I know this is going to sound awful) nor do I look forward to. I love him, but I hate his situation. He is the cleverest, most intelegent, caring, generouse, gentleman I have ever met. I have dated a lot I know what's out there and good men are slim pickings, great men come once in a life time. I dont want to lose him, but i'm not sure how much long I can take this "once a week thing." The biggest problem is probably that i have not told him how I really feel and how close I am to letting go. How I dont think its a relationship amymore because of all the distance and our lack of communication.