Aways last in my BF life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Aways last in my BF life
4
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 4:07am
I know I should not complain since I knew what I was getting into from the begging. But you see I am naive and I did not realize what I was doing untill it was too late. I am a 21 year old college student, that still lives with her parents, and does not work. I had no worries and no complications in my life untill last year, when I met the "man of my dreams". He, a 29 year old, Police Officer with a couple babes. So I take full responsibility, I should have known better. I knew he was a Police Officer and as such had long irregular hours. I also knew that he had two young kids and a common law wife. But in the begining it was fun even a little liberating, I had the best of both worlds, I had a guy who adorded me and I could still go out on weekends with my friends. Then feelings started getting in the way, I wanted more, He could not give me anymore. He works an average of 50 hours a week Thursday thru Monday. The rest of the week is divided between college and his kids. That leaves me with very little. We have been together for a year and I am desperatly in love with him. But I am also so tired of crying myself to sleep every night. In the begging I would hear from him atleast once a day, now this past week I only recieved one call and saw him once. When we are together I forget all my pain and saddness, with him is the only time I am happy now a days, i stopped going out on weekends because I always felt guilty after wards.

Lately he has been talking about marrige and how that would solve my problem, of not having him around as much as I want. I am scared that it wouldn't solve my problem and I still would be miserable married to him. I do love him, I just don't think I will ever be happy being last in his life, after his kids, his job, his family, somewhere after that it will be me. I am miserable, but I am so afraid to loose him. I think he just wants someone to be there for him and since I have put up with it for over a year, He thinks I will keep putting up with it when we are married. When ever I voice my doubts all I get from him is that he doesnt want to loose me and to "hang in there."

I am tired of "hanging on," but he can make me so happy when i'm with him that I dont want to let go. I am desparate please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 4:38am
I'm sorry to hear about your situaton; I know exactly what you feel like. I was (am) in a relationship exactly like yours, so maybe I can help you out. When I met my guy I was 18, still living at home with my mom, working part time and going to school part time. My boyfriend was a police officer too and going through training to be a corrections officer, so he has similar hours to your boyfriend. With both of us having such busy schedules it made it really difficult to see each other. He, too, used to call at least once a day just to say hi but eventually when he got the job as a corrections officer he didn't really have time to do that anymore. I got maybe one call a week but I got to see him twice a week (he also doesn't have any kids.) Eventually I got really tired of that so we sat down and talked and he told me the same thing your man did-hang in there. I was talking with his mom about how emotionally stressful it is and she actually suggested that the two of us move in together for awhile and see where it goes. We did, and I have never made a better decision; now we are engaged! I saw him a lot more and plus, there's nothing like the man you love sleeping right next to you :) I'm not sure if that would be possible for you to do but it did work for me. That's where we found out there was a real future between us. If you can't do that, at least try to spend a few nights with him. That might help to. I hope I gave you something you could use! Good luck!

Christina
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 1:20pm
I'm confused....he has a common law wife - as in he's in another relationship currently and having an affair with you?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 10:38pm
No, No, Nothing like that!!! He HAD a common law wife, he was never married but he lived with her for a while. When we met he was no longer with her. They had not been together for over two years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 5:20am
Thanks, you gave me some hope.

But I can't move in with him and he knows that. That is why he has brought up marriage. I have avoided the subject like the plague, because of my doubts and insecurities. Plus I am only 21, I am not the most mature person in the world (by far), I don't think I am ready to be anyone's stepmom, (he has a 10 yearold daughter and a 4 yearold son). I hate any kind of friction and my comunication skill are lacking. There are a lot of things about his past that I dont know about, and I would prefer not to know. I haven't yet met his kids, (I know this is going to sound awful) nor do I look forward to. I love him, but I hate his situation. He is the cleverest, most intelegent, caring, generouse, gentleman I have ever met. I have dated a lot I know what's out there and good men are slim pickings, great men come once in a life time. I dont want to lose him, but i'm not sure how much long I can take this "once a week thing." The biggest problem is probably that i have not told him how I really feel and how close I am to letting go. How I dont think its a relationship amymore because of all the distance and our lack of communication.