Bachelor Party

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Bachelor Party
16
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:50am

We had a civil ceremony in March. We're having a 2nd wedding July 31st... so his buddies threw him a bachelor party in Atlantic City.


I've always had shameful feelings towards men who desire strip clubs and lapdances etc. My ex fiance cheated on me with a stripper he met while traveling. The next boyfreind, coincidentally, did the same... but while partying with freinds one weekend. Bad track record for ex's... so you see where this is going. My husband knows all of this as well.


But I didnt want to be the controlling, "unfun" wife who restricted all the guys from having fun, so I just laid down only TWO guidelines. 1) Do not spend our money on the women and 2) NO lapdances. Anything else goes.



Well, my DH insisted that he didnt even want to go to a strip club, that he was even getting angry with his best man for not listening to him. I insisted that he shouldnt feel this way on my behalf, but he insisted that it wasnt just how I felt but that he just thought strongly they shouldnt go.


All weekend my DH called me, saying he loved me and missed me. He sounded like they were all having a great time and I was happy about that. He got very drunk, called so many times I didnt even answer the phone a few turns! But it was all "I love you babe... God I miss you, I want to come home... yes I'm having fun, we're doing this and that... I miss you so much. I love you".


Low and behold I discovered by one of the wives that they went. My DH is nothing but honest with me, so I asked if he followed the guidelines. He said no. They bought 3 or 4 lapdances. He admitted the women touched him. He admitted that he touched the women. And he admitted that he got aroused.


I'm sure there are other details I'd rather not know. I know he didnt cheat on me. I know they didnt bring any women back to the hotel rooom.


But I am having such a hard time getting over this. Imagining another woman getting my husband excited, touching him... my DH touching their breasts, their bare ass. Its one thing if he put money in someones g-string, or a cocktail waitress fed him cake or something. But how could he take it THIS far knowing how I felt about it?
How could he think any of this was appropriate behavior for a married man? And then turn around and call me saying he missed me???


I'm trying to be okay about this. At first he acted surprised at how hurt I was, got all defensive. But the 2nd night after much arguing and crying, he said he finally realized that he was wrong... that the guys, society and drinking made him think that was just the "normal" thing to do... but he now felt really ashamed knowing that I can picture what he did... and if only his mother could... or his priest, etc. He cried... I know he feels bad. We can get through this.


But I dont know how to get the images or the IDEA out of my head... that in OUR marraige, I'm not the only woman to touch my husband... to turn him on.


It makes my stomache turn. It hurts so much. We are going to counseling once a week. He continues anger management. But knowing that he is ashamed, I dont want to pound my hurt feelings or tears into him over and over in counseling.


If you made it this far... your advice or similar experiences are really appreciated.



Love Sara

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:06am

Im pretty sure that you are not the only one who shares the same outlook on strippers...or just the anxiety of the bachelor party itself.(Im getting married in September).


However, It sounds like he is genuinley sorry. I would say yo continue to go to counseling and see where that takes you.


best wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:57am
I don't really know what to tell you. But you sound like a great wife and a great person. I wish you the best of luck.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:55am
There are a couple of things in your post that alarm me. First, let me say that I agree with you on the issue of strip clubs. Men who frequent them are juvenile.

What worries me about your husband was his statement that "the guys, society, and drinking made him think that was just the "normal" thing to do." One of two things happened that night - either your husband intended all along to do this, or he has no backbone and is someone who is easily led by others. Both scenarios are a problem for you. Its pretty sad when (a). Someone gets so drunk that they lose their self-control and (b). when a grown man blames his behavior on peer pressure or alcohol. Does this sound like a 16 year-old kid or what?

The other tidbit you mentioned was his priest. OK, so he calls himself a Catholic - a son of the Church - a member of the Body of Christ. Is this just a label he sticks on himself because he was raised in a Catholic home and he took first communion? Or is he committed to the teachings of Jesus Christ? I'm getting the sense (from your post) that this is a guy who is only half-formed ethically and morally. If this is true, than you have a huge problem on your hands, because life will throw many more moral dilemmas at you two in the future. Your husband will have to stand rock-solid on some firm moral foundation and be CONSISTENT, or the two of you will be in for some rough times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:03pm

thanks "ivdarian", to answer your questions:


My husband didnt intend on doing this all along. He knew from the start how I felt, and firmly laid down to his best man that he didnt want to go to a strip club - months in advance. Days before his party, he got nervous about the plans (which were kept hidden from him) and relayed once again to the best man he wanted no part of the strip club... he stressed these concerns to me as well. In turn, like I said, I didnt want to appear like a controlling and "un-fun" wife. I told him to let the guys do their thing and plan this out, but bc I trusted him, "here are the rules" etc. I even spoke with the best man and said "no strippers in the hotel room... no lapdances, period" to which he said he would oblige. My husband even got upset and more nervous, but I repeated several times to just let it flow... to which he now says is why - in a drunken state- he determined it wouldnt bother me as much.


But you are right... it DOES bother me that he'd get so drunk he would lose his self control. That alcohol "made him" lose his inhibitions and ability to determine "hey, I'm married, maybe I shouldnt be alone in this room with these two half naked women touching them". It REEEEALLY bothers me. He said they were drinking all day and gambling and that he was already 10 sheets to the wind when all the guys said "alright, we're going to the strip club"... he said he made the wrong decision, that he should have known going there was like driving a car on an icy road- already being drunk, all his freinds... the ice was already thick, and it "was hard to put the brakes on".


And yes, my husband has a very strong backbone... but when it comes to saying "sorry- the wife wont agree"... he is very insecure. We have a few freinds who's wives control them by the balls so he takes it to the extreme by NOT wanting himself to "look" like one of those husbands.


Bottom line... he made the wrong decision. We are both devout to our church and eachother. He is feeling very ashamed bc- no matter what, we never tell a lie... and we never hide ANYTHING from eachother no matter how hard or maybe cruel it is- so he is hurting that I now have all the disgusting details of his actions that night... and now has to think about it as if I were right there in that room watching him. I know this bothers him a great deal. He even called his best man to tell him it was wrong and to apologize to me as well.


I cant get over the hurt, right away, though. The images in my mind. The thought that my husband acted like a child and thought for only himself, not us. That he shared moments with other women that only he and I should share. I'm digusted. He is ashamed. We have to come to some agreement that we dont "think" the same on some topics or have the same opinion... certainly this was one of them at that time.


But how do I get these images out of my head? How can I move on without constantly pounding my pain into his? Without spilling my tears and feelings over and over into this wound?


ugh. i hate men.



Love Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 3:12pm
My boyfriend recently cheated on me, he kissed another woman. The thought of him touching or kissing someone else disgusts me. For days after, when I closed my eyes all I could see was him kissing this faceless woman and it would bring me to tears. I'm the one you want to be with, I'm the one who takes care of you....everything that I do for him and for what, a kiss? It hurt but after talking with people, getting advice from outsiders, I realized that if this is the man I want to be with and if he makes me happy and if I truly want to "move on" with our relationship and with him, I have to do just that, "move on". Holding on to the images, the feelings the hurt....will do nothing but make you miserable. If you feel as though this is something you won't be able to get over because of past experiences, etc...then you really have some thinking to do. If you love him and think that you can trust him again and move past this then do that. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 6:41pm
That is just stupid!! People make mistakes, it is that simple!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:13pm
I think all parties agree that this was really immature behavior and your H seems to seriously regret doing it. I think one thing that might help you is that the women that were paid to perform their little trick are in no way were objects of genuine affection. Generally speaking, these women are pretty repulsive when viewed sober or even semi-sober and are generally more repulsive when they try to speak complete sentences. Your husbands heart might be in the right place, but for a short while his brain took a vacation. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:34pm
No its not that simple. Losing your car keys is a mistake. Putting on mismatched socks is a mistake. Getting drunk and grinding around with a stripper is a character issue. Cracking under peer pressure (as a grown adult) is a character issue. Big difference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:40pm
Not everything in life is complicated. People make mistakes. Sure, it was a big mistake, but the fact that he made it does not make him a bad person. Ask his wife. I'm sure that she would agree there. Everyone gives into friends (peer pressure) sometimes. I know 50 year old men who have gone out with friends one night and got drunk despite the fact that they knew their wives would be angry, and felt genuinly bad about it later. Life is full of choices. Sometimes we make the right ones, sometimes we make the wrong ones, but we are all deserving of forgiveness once in awhile!! As is the case here I think!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:08am
Your right, life is full of choices...everyone makes mistakes. However, he clearly understood how she felt prior to leaving. If he was any kind of man at all, he would have respected his wife, and not even put himself in that situation. I think men that visit strip clubs for any reason are pigs....what's the purpose of being there? Only one reason...to lust. He made his choice when he walked in that door, and subjected himself to the lap dance. Now wants to weasel his way out of it by saying it was the peer pressure, drinks, etc... everyone is responsible for their own behavior. What was wrong with just a night out on the town with the guys drinking...just a regular bar and drinking? He was wrong from the get go.

She doesn't want to be the "unfun" wife? That's where she is wrong. Your not the "unfun" wife...you have morals...he doesn't need to go to a strip club to have fun.

Seems to me most of the time that men are on the defense and always turn issues around...that we have the problems...make such a big deal out of things...etc.

I found disks that belong to my husband...one where he is having intercourse with a woman he dated only for a few weeks. Shows explict body parts joined TOGETHER...another of him taking pics of another girlfriend in the shower....this all WAS prior to us getting together...but you know what? This still haunts me today. It basically ruined some of the respect I had for him...and makes me wonder if he is obsessed with women...

his reply..."it was his privacy...before we got together...if I can't get over it, then I shouldn't have married him" I don't think it's the actual picture taking that bugs me...I'm sure he's not the only one whos ever done that...but that I saw it that sickens me. Anyone have any advice on this??? Please respond if you do...it affects me at times...it makes me think that all men are perverts...I am constantly now watching him to see if he looks at other women...which to me he does..tells me that if he even saw a woman that appealed to him, he doesn't look cuz he knows it'll upset me...which tells me that he does look...cuz he's aware of them appealing to him...I feel like I'm going nuts over this at times.

I don't think any woman wants to know that her husband is admiring other women in any way, either by looking, touching, etc...just my opinion.

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