Bachelor Party

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Bachelor Party
16
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:50am

We had a civil ceremony in March. We're having a 2nd wedding July 31st... so his buddies threw him a bachelor party in Atlantic City.


I've always had shameful feelings towards men who desire strip clubs and lapdances etc. My ex fiance cheated on me with a stripper he met while traveling. The next boyfreind, coincidentally, did the same... but while partying with freinds one weekend. Bad track record for ex's... so you see where this is going. My husband knows all of this as well.


But I didnt want to be the controlling, "unfun" wife who restricted all the guys from having fun, so I just laid down only TWO guidelines. 1) Do not spend our money on the women and 2) NO lapdances. Anything else goes.



Well, my DH insisted that he didnt even want to go to a strip club, that he was even getting angry with his best man for not listening to him. I insisted that he shouldnt feel this way on my behalf, but he insisted that it wasnt just how I felt but that he just thought strongly they shouldnt go.


All weekend my DH called me, saying he loved me and missed me. He sounded like they were all having a great time and I was happy about that. He got very drunk, called so many times I didnt even answer the phone a few turns! But it was all "I love you babe... God I miss you, I want to come home... yes I'm having fun, we're doing this and that... I miss you so much. I love you".


Low and behold I discovered by one of the wives that they went. My DH is nothing but honest with me, so I asked if he followed the guidelines. He said no. They bought 3 or 4 lapdances. He admitted the women touched him. He admitted that he touched the women. And he admitted that he got aroused.


I'm sure there are other details I'd rather not know. I know he didnt cheat on me. I know they didnt bring any women back to the hotel rooom.


But I am having such a hard time getting over this. Imagining another woman getting my husband excited, touching him... my DH touching their breasts, their bare ass. Its one thing if he put money in someones g-string, or a cocktail waitress fed him cake or something. But how could he take it THIS far knowing how I felt about it?
How could he think any of this was appropriate behavior for a married man? And then turn around and call me saying he missed me???


I'm trying to be okay about this. At first he acted surprised at how hurt I was, got all defensive. But the 2nd night after much arguing and crying, he said he finally realized that he was wrong... that the guys, society and drinking made him think that was just the "normal" thing to do... but he now felt really ashamed knowing that I can picture what he did... and if only his mother could... or his priest, etc. He cried... I know he feels bad. We can get through this.


But I dont know how to get the images or the IDEA out of my head... that in OUR marraige, I'm not the only woman to touch my husband... to turn him on.


It makes my stomache turn. It hurts so much. We are going to counseling once a week. He continues anger management. But knowing that he is ashamed, I dont want to pound my hurt feelings or tears into him over and over in counseling.


If you made it this far... your advice or similar experiences are really appreciated.



Love Sara

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:17am
I can't help but think that there are many reasons your man married you. Not because you are the only one that excites him or the only one that he's attracted to. He married you because you are what he wants in a wife and mother (and he's attracted to you...). For this reason, I don't think that you should let it bother you so much that other women excite him. If you do, you'll be upset for your entire life. He's married - not dead! I can understand that the thought of other women touching him can be disgusting, but as another person said - they are paid to perform, so there is no emotional attachment...so don't worry about it.

There is the issue of you laying down rules for the party and him breaking them and then lieing about them. That may merit some disscussion. However, I think that your requests were unreasonable in the first place. The strip club is entertainment and must be purchased like any other form of entertainment. I'm sure you would've preferred them to stay in the hotel and rent a prn movie (woops! that costs...) or maybe stay home and watch Pamela Anderson (woops! that costs too...).

As a woman with only boy cousins that has attended one bachelor party so far, don't sweat it. It really is just entertainment to them. They get together ooo and ahhh about naked women, jump around because they got to touch them, and then it is over. It means nothing about their relationship with you. It's just a childish hangout party.

This is definitely something that you want to let go before it causes more distress in your new marriage. This energy could be better used.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:47am

Haligr- yes we all make mistakes. But is this stupid? Stupid that i had to hear from all the other wives and my husband the details of two women dry-humping him at once in a private room? Stupid I had to hear the truth that he touched them... and they were touching him... then picture that? Your "stupid"comment didnt have any merit in this situation, I have feelings about this, and emotional knots- that is not stupid. Sorry- but I think alot of us are 'blind' to what really goes on in these places.. even the "tame" ones. I had to hear the details... I am no longer blind.


everywoman73- no I wouldnt have "rathered" he stay in the room and watch porn. I'm being honest that I wouldnt have cared that he go to this strip club, bc I trusted that he was grown enough to understand the boundaries and not cross the line.


My emotions are warranted. But the shock of it all, and the images in my head are disturbing to a point that I havent been able to eat for three days. My DH and I are doing well, but like I said- I cant keep pounding this into his head... we cant have the same talk every night, you know? I need to get past this but I dont know how!


Previously stated, my last two boyfreinds cheated on me with strippers. The initial shock and hurt wasnt this bad back then. Now all I can think about are all these images! When DH and I are fooling around, or making love I'm afraid to do something that "they" did to him... ie; dry humping, talking dirty, massaging. You know? He was ALONE with these women... in a private room! His freinds were'nt there to "cheer" him on or encourage him the 2nd lapdance. It hurts.


And it is not stupid.


I am seriously psychologically paranoid and insecure now! But all of you are right- he's extremely ashamed, regrets it, and a good man- good husband.


But how do I take care of me without loading it all on him every night? So far we've done a good job, been able to make love and its been wonderful. But I'm also afraid of holding all this inside.


thanks.



Love Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 10:09am
I agree. I honestly don't think it is that big a deal when a man goes to a strip club for his bachelor party. As long as he doesn't go again, or stare at women in front of you or talk about women's bodies,etc. And as long as he is devoted to you, what is the problem?
Avatar for atlantagirl74
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 2:45pm
<"Imagining another woman getting my husband excited, touching him... my DH touching their breasts, their bare ass.">

Did your husband actually admit to touching bare breasts or asses? If you've ever been to a stip club (I'm assuming you haven't been) you would know that inappropriate touching will get you thrown out quickly. Lap dances usually consist of a guy sitting in a chair with his hands at his sides and a stipper dancing in front of him, waving various body parts in front of his face and occasionally sitting on his lap. Touching "private parts" (his or hers) is not supposed to happen. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings, I'm just trying to suggest that maybe it wasn't as bad as you imagine. You might want to talk to him about it in more depth. He just might be able to dispel some of your fears.

 

AtlantaGirl74

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:30pm
I'm going to take both sides here. My BF and his friend have an annual longstanding strip club event. They go once a year and have for 10+ years. I'm OK with it..he made sure I was before going this year and asked if we needed to set any guidelines. In fact, he and I have went a couple of times and I find it erotic. Even the lap dance thing doesn't bother me. In my state the rules are no touching by the man and they are on chairs towards the back of the club, but are out in the open. In fact, many states rules won't allow alcohol or drunk guys in the clubs...and that's how mine is.

NOW THE OTHER SIDE - I admit, I'm pretty open on this subject as you've probably figured out from above but the private room with the two women would bother me...touching or not. There's a difference to me between a bunch of guys and getting a lapdance vs. the intimacy of a private room...and usually strip clubs with private rooms are fine with touching. And the fact that he knew your feelings on this run pretty deep, that was not a good thing for him to do..drunk or not.

he knows he was wrong, he feels bad and if he has any brains at all will never go back to one since he knows he can't handle "staying within the guidelines". As for your feelings..they are understandable. I work with 50 men in the technology field and we are pretty open with eachother and know eachother pretty well. Those guys talk and will tell you that it's a form of male bonding and entertainment almost like shopping is to us..I'm not saying that's right...just telling you what I hear. They don't go for the "gee, she's much hotter than my wife" factor (which is what we feel like)..they go just to "one up" eachother. Not one of them would consider actually "being with" one of those woman, in fact most think they are skanky. It's normal for him to get turned on if he goes...that's a human and normal sexual response...and most men will tell you they are turned on in general...NOT turned on for her. If a Chippendale gives me a lap dance, heck yeah I'm going to get turned on...and then I'm going to go home and grab my BF! I really believe it's us women who make the strip clubs into more than they are sometimes..though I fully support you in the fact that he really crossed the line with the private room. And the way to get over it is two-fold...make sure he knows he's crossed the boundaries and that you are disappointed that "peer pressure" could overwrite his commitment to you then..get erotic with him!!!!!

Do a strip tease for him, "dry hump" him...slowly undress him...those women will have nothing on you and he can touch + more!!! It'll make you feel sexy, him feel great and everyone will be happy. So what if you "do what they did to him"...you can do MORE than they will every do to him...use it honey! Good luck



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 11:07pm
Sara, if you're anything like me, I would say that you're at a point where you have to decide if you can live with this for the rest of your life because I don't think you'll ever completely get over this. Two years ago, my husband decided he did not want to be with me anymore and started dating another woman. When we did get back together, all I thought about was why he chose her, what they did when they made love, how many times, was she better than me...a whole assortment of things. When I think about the year, month we were apart, I flashback to that moment. Yes, I shouldn't live in the past, but the past makes you who you are in the present and future and no amount of love from you husband can take away the horrible memories you have. It's been two years and I still can't completely get over it! So I would have to say that you need to take it or leave it and it's dificult when you love the person. I totally understand where you're coming from and I sympatize. I've never been really an insecure person but now I am the most insecure, pathetic person ever becase of what happened. I get angry at husband at times because in a way,he's put me in this predicament even though I shouldn't hold anyone responsible for my feelings, actions, and thoughts. I always tell everyone that getting married may be the best thing in the world, but the bachelor party is the worst thing in the world. Fortunately, my husband did not go to a strip bar. Please let us know how things are. good luck. I hope you find some peace in all this.

Pages