Bad Fiance sometimes, need help. (LONG)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Bad Fiance sometimes, need help. (LONG)
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:43am
I have been involved with a guy that I used to feel was my perfect half to my whole, however, over time you learn more about someone. We were always together and I can honestly say this relationship has been far different from any relationship I have ever experienced. He has been divorced from his wife for about 2 years now and he has a 3 year old son, that will soon be 4 years old. He introduced me to his son early on in the relationship and I thought that was nice that he valued me in his life so much at that point. I have no children of my own as of yet and I've never had any experience dealing w/ children in relationships. My guy is a good dad, I think sometimes he feels guilty about not being there, so he would make up for it by giving him lots of affection, love, and sometimes allowing him too much freedom. Let me clarify what I mean about too much freedom, his son is 3 years old, no 3 yr. old I know of has the freedom to stay up as long as they want to, until they fall asleep. I think it's important to keep them on a schedule, maybe allow a little more flexibility as far as maybe a later bedtime that you monitor and putting them to bed. However, it started getting to a point when my guy would get his son on the weekends, that he wouldn't lay him down to bed, but his son was staying up as long as he wanted and oh so cranky the next day. His son is a good kid and very affecionate, he loves to cuddle with me and show me love, which is great, but his son used to try to sleep in the bed with us, which I was uncomfortable about. My first reason was his son would fight sleep, like any kid. Secondly, while his son is fidgeting, he would play with my hair, face, etc. while I was trying to go to sleep and my quality of sleep wouldn't be that good at all. Thirdly, I was afraid of rolling over on him or catching a headbutt accidentally to the nose, lip, etc. from his son while sleeping. Fourth, his son has his own room set up, own bed, etc.

His son now is starting to get better at getting into his own bed, but he needs someone to lay down with him to fall asleep and will cry most times if he wakes up and no one is there in the bed with him. Some weekends are better than others, but there are sometimes that I feel like why am I even here, because I might as well just be mothering on his son and ignore my fiance completely. Sometimes I feel as if my fiance is absentee when it comes to being with me and his son together. I mean I totally commend men being there for their kids completely, however, I could sit for a periods of thirty minutes at a time each where I felt like I wasn't even there. Like I said I'm new to dealing w/ children, so this is all learning in progress for me, but his son would get cranky sometimes and mouth off to me. I wouldn't have any recourse, because he isn't my child, but in the same time I would get a little upset at the fact that I do so much as an almost step mom. I don't think about all the material things I've done, but the dropping and picking his son up and babysitting him that make me start to think about alot of things. I love his son and my guy, but I think in any relationship you still need quality time alone as a couple to grow a still somewhat new relationship. I'm not materialistic and have no expectations of doing things that cost money, but we could do things that don't require spending any money at all.

Now my guy gets his son every weekend and we've had him on quite a few week days too. Which was fine, but it weighed heavy on me, because I was the one to drop him off at daycare, not my guy. My guy works a job that he can't adjust his schedule in the mornings, so he looked to me to help him out. I know it didn't sit well with my boss to adjust my schedule, but I did it. I feel there is no balance in our relationship and it's deteriorating due to lack of spending any quality time alone. We don't communicate the same anymore, partly due to the stress of me feeling burdoned on helping out to mother his son. Our one year anniversary will be at the end of July this year. I feel all this is too much, too soon, too fast. I feel like an old married woman with mommy duty on the weekends. I know alot of it, I allow my guy to have all of time, but that is due to we discussed certain things about spending as much time together. I now realize that I have no life outside of him and his son. I need to start back doing for myself, but then I feel we may have disagreements, because of that.

One other vital piece of information, we now officially share a residence together. After we got engaged on Easter, we got a place together. My guy is very much into communicating anything on his mind regarding issues he has...whether is very minute or not. This past weekend, I was feeling emotionally disconnected from him again. I mean because when his son is here, he sleeps in the bed w/ his son for the whole weekend. He and I barely show any affection, at times I felt his son would try to compete for affection from his father with me, which is fine...because all children need a parents love. I just gave up period... wanting affection from my guy when his son is around. Our sex life used to be "WONDERFUL", now it sucks! I have gotten to the point that I'm holding resentment towards my guy for what I feel is ignoring me and my needs on the weekends, when that is our real time to spend any quality time. I work a regualar schedule (8:30-9:00 a.m. until 4:30-5:00p.m.), my guy gets up at 4am every morning and gets off at like 2:30 p.m. So there are usually no week day dates, he usually plays his ps2 to unwind and I go upstairs and get online. So there is no quality, it's gotten old fast and I know all because this is too much, too fast, too soon. I love him, but I'm questioning if I'm still in love with him. He is affectionate when his son isn't around and we've opted not to have sex at all when he has his son on the weekends, because his son always needs him and he sleeps in the bed with his son. I'm in a real quandary and don't know what to do at this point. I've communicated all of what I've felt to my guy about his lack of affection towards me when his son is around, about his son mouthing off and my not having any recourse, about feeling overwhelmed with all the addiional things I was doing, etc.

He's finally starting to reprimand his son when he would mouth off. I told him if he didn't what happens if it continues and progresses. I mean his son would always want to show me affection, but out of the blue his son would say things like, I don't like you. I would be like okay, that's fine you don't have to and try to talk to him. It is so frustrating in my not having any kids and me explaining to my guy that he needed to put his son in bed by a certain time, not to give his son apple juice everytime he cried for it, because it would rot his teeth and to give him water at night. I mean certain things that just would consume me with frustration. Then not feeling like I have a right to any quality alone time, even when he gets his son every weekend in my own house, because his son will follow me every where and even tries to come in the bathroom. He has walked in on me naked and I've had to start locking the door. I have no time to just me with the exception of being asleep now, because my guy has started sleeping in the bed with him to keep him in his room, in his own bed. Sometimes I think my guy is doing more bad than good in doing some of the things he is doing. His son is spoiled and my guy knows this. He is on the cusp on turning 4 and even though he is an affecionate child, he is still spoiled. This past weekend, he asked his son why he liked being over so much and his 3 yr. old son responded with, "I can do whatever I want here." He's 3 year's old and knows he gets away with alot with his dad.

Now my guy is talking about getting full custody of his son. I know in that plan he would have expectations of me helping him take his son back and forth to daycare, mothering him, etc. I don't think it's a good idea for alot of reasons, the son's mother is a good person and good mother, she discplines him, and my guy has no right to try to get full custody of his son. I'm opposed to that and think that he wants to do it as a power play to his ex-wife. He is still upset with her over her still holding some of his material things, until he pays her a sum of money. It's an even longer story with all of that, he is justified in getting his stuff back, however, he needs to let go of that grudge towards her. I think he needs to adjust to the situation for what it is. I have even told him that maybe he needs to spend quality time alone without me with his son, because I don't want to be the one just sitting around. This past weekend was a long one and finally on Sunday it was a breaking point and I asked to speak to my guy for a few minutes alone, because his son will stop and ask alot of questions and I'll be sitting there waiting while my guy is dealing w/ his son. I told him how I felt about just being a third wheel and not feeling any affecition from him while he had his son around. He said that he didn't realize that I felt that way, that he did certain things he felt so I would have quality time alone while he was caring for his son on the weekends, I responded that this is not how I'd want it, if we got married. I explained my frustrations about us supposedly still being somewhat new, but feeling so old. He just doesn't get it. I need to see if I am wrong in wanting quality time with him, even when he has his son? I mean if he gets his son full-time, I would be dealing with this on a full-time basis. Am I wrong? What should I do? Has anyone had a similar experience, and if so, how did you deal with it?