Bad temper, money problems, HELP!!
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| Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:35pm |
Problem #1 - He has terrible financial debt. He was planning on filing bankruptcy before he met me but then we decided to tackle his debt together. He is self-employed and worked his tail off last summer and made good money. But he spent it as fast as he made it and his work is seasonal, so I was left to pay for everything all winter long. Including his many credit cards. The monthly bills were twice as much as I make, so I completely depleted my savings plus maxed out my own credit card (which I have never even come close to doing before). Then when spring rolled around he was very slow at getting back to work and his work has been very sporatic, meaning I have still been paying for everything. I bought a house for us to live in and put everything in my name, but it is too much for me to afford alone. We sat down and wrote everything out before we moved and figured out how much we both need to contribute to pay the bills. My share is my whole paycheck and his share (equal to mine) is only a fraction of what he could make if he worked every day. He has the potential of exceeding my weekly pay in about half a day if he would work. He claims that he works as hard as he can, but he comes up with excuses almost daily for why he can't work. Nothing is ever his fault....it's always the weather or the trucks or something else getting in his way. But he also has a full-time employee who he pays to come over and help him with things at the house. I have told him that he can't be paying somebody to help him with non-income producing activities! But he claims he needs the help. Working on things like the shop, the trucks, the yard, the house, etc. He has not given me his share of the bill money until last night, after a 2-hour fight, he finally threw some cash at me and asked if I was happy now!
Problem #2 - He has a terrible temper. He gets mad about every little thing. Me and my son spend most of our time walking on egg shells because we don't want to make him mad. He's not violent or mean to us, but he will yell, swear, throw things, hit things, etc. I'm a very patient person and very mild mannered, so to be a witness to this type of temper tantrum on an almost daily basis is more stress than I can handle. And my son has never been exposed to this type of behavior before so it scares him. And worse yet, he is started to act that way too. I have noticed my son getting mad and slamming the door or kicking the wall. The thought of my son picking up this trait just makes me sick. My son has told me that he doesn't like my fiance much and that he doesn't want to live with him anymore. My son feels like he can never do anything right in his eyes and that all he ever does is gripe at him. I know my son wants me to be happy and it took alot of guts for him to tell me this. When I tried to talk to my fiance about it, he just said that my son is trying to come between us because he doesn't always get his way. He also said that my son doesn't like the fact that he is now #2 in my life. Excuse me, but my son will NEVER be #2 in my life. And I don't ever want him to feel like he's #2.
Problem #3 - I'm so stressed out about all this. I'm gaining weight (i'm an emotional eater), I'm getting depressed, I'm making an appt with a counselor, I'm making an appt for my son to see a counselor, but I'm wondering if it's all worth it. I think my fiance is the one who needs a counselor.
I love him and I will do anything to help him, but I just don't know if his problems are helpable! I'm very worried that they are character flaws and they will never change. I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't know where to turn. I moved away from all my family and friends to be with him. I can't bear to tell my family how I'm feeling. I've had so many failed relationships before. I feel like it's my own fault for getting involved with a man with so much baggage. I need to do what's best for my son, but will my son ever be happy with anybody I'm with? But on the other hand, my son is worried about me and he doesn't need that kind of stress. I'm doubting my feelings and doubting my decisions and I wonder if it's cold feet because I'm scared about getting married?
What the hell am I doing? Is there any hope for us? My fiance thinks I'm blowing things out of proportion and he is doing the best he can. Am I? Is he? He says our money problems will get better. Will they? How? I'm not the type of person to take a leap of faith and dive in head first without thinking things through. But am I thinking too much? Should I trust him and hope that things get better?
Please help. I'm at the end of my rope!

Best Wishes,
Tiff
I was once a single mother of 2 and I was fortunate to find a treasure and marry him. Knowing now what I know about how a healthy, happy relationship feels with someone who is truly right for you....I'd never ever settle for less. You would never even contemplate marrying this man if you knew how wonderful a relationship can actually be with 2 healthy, mature people who are right for one another. That takes more than just love or caring between you. It means you are on the same page about many, many important things. It means you respect one another and communicate. It means kindness, giving, honesty, fidelity, trust and friendship. It means passion and sharing, leaning on and supporting one another. It means consideration, reliability and responsibility. At least that's what it means to me. My 2 children have thrived and grown into wonderful people having this as their home life. Will you be able to say that 5 or 10 years from now about your child and your fiance? That's not how the life you share with him sounds. It would be foolish to think it's going to magically develop into something other than it already is.
You only get what you accept for yourself. Please demand more for yourself, and for you son, than this. Best of luck to you.
You are right to question the relationship.
Sorry you have to go through this.
I agree with all the replies you have gotten so far.
Carrie
Boot him at once. And then put your life back together. I hope you learn a lesson for the next time - you did way too much for him by paying for all of that stuff and letting him live with you. You need to learn to set firmer boundaries.
There are plenty of nice men out there who will cherish someone as sweet as you and you have to think about you and your son.
Better alone than with Mr. Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was so sweet. he would buy me flowers for no reason, he'd drive over in the middle of the night if i asked him for company, he was always telling me how wonderful i am...
unless he was pissed off about something.
and until he kept justifying how he was $45k in debt.
no way will i choose a temper AND debt... bad combination.
you want a competent man, not someone you need to "baby" so he can grow up.
and it is a choice.
I am like you so many failed relationships I start to wonder it must be ME! To tell others another relationship failed hurts me so much I'll even avoid it. They all like my guy so much!! They'll think its got to me me, what is wrong with her!!!!
My dear the temper thing, throwing things I believe (I could be wrong) is a form of abuse. I would be worried about your son we do as we see, how we are taught. Your son probable even knows the (bad)changes he is going through due to the actions in the home from this man. I admire him for telling you his true feelings. You did not say how old he was.
We all have our fairy tales. My ex was a very wealthy man but it did not take me long at all to know money, things would not make me happy. We all need security but it sounds to me like you are digging your own grave by helping him out when he is not trying, is that right? For him to throw money at you when he should be giving you his share at the right time when it is needed to pay the bills.
One should not have to walk around on egg shells I'm there too and it is terrible. Not knowing when one will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and they will react and we'll pay for it in some way or other.
Financially will it get better? Only if he wants to and contributes and it sounds to me like he doesn't want to. If it will change I don't know but I would say not unless you go to some kind of counseling to deal with this issue along with the other issues. That is if you want to stay with the situation. This is where I have been coming from too is it worth it, is it to late? My guy considers his his while I have been doing just as you helping and concerned about our present and future. My guy says we need to live for today!!! I don't even know where over half his paycheck goes a month (and he makes good money, an engineer.)
What are we looking for? What do we want from a relationship? It has to be realistic not a fairy tale but we deserve to have our needs meet.
Good Luck!!! Email me if you need to we have alot of the same stuff, issues! I don't think you have an ex involved as do I. Writing and sharing is so good for us.