To be or not to be
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| Fri, 01-23-2004 - 11:36pm |
I have been dating my boyfriend in a long distance relationship (2.5 hours away) for just over two years now. I have never felt this way about a man before and he does have many qualities I have not found in anyone else. We both have been married before. He is 45 and I am 38. Our relationship has trust issues – mostly on my part. We have been on and off again for the last two years. In the beginning of our relationship there were times when we thought we should date other people, we both met with others, but never really dated anyone else always coming back to each other. We got together as often as we could and still do.
Our first summer together (8 months), we decided that we would get our families together and go camping (he has two children and I have 3). Only my youngest son came camping with us along with his two kids tho. Quite often I have felt that I am not important in his life. This camping trip was no exception. He acted very cold toward me and at times was even downright mean.
When we got back to his place following the camping trip, he went on his computer and signed into yahoo. An offline instant message popped up from a lady that asked how his camping trip went. He very quickly closed the box before I could read any more.
Upon questioning I found out that she was someone who he had met at a singles dance before he met me (a married someone) and that she had been over for coffee the week prior to our going camping. They had also gone for a walk (there was some hand holding I found out at a later date). He thought that this was an okay thing to do and there was nothing wrong with it. When he was signing onto the computer I saw him type in his password. I was asked to stay at a friend’s place (for a couple of days) as he wanted to have some time alone with his children before taking them home.
Right or wrong (this one is up for debate) I signed onto his yahoo for the next couple of days. In his email there was an international dating site that he belonged to and had for some time. There were also a couple of more messages from this lady where they must have discussed going for another walk. He told her he was too tired.
After he took his children home, I was allowed to come back to spend a few more days with him (we had also planned a camping trip for a weekend – just the two of us). Anyway, he found out that I had gotten his password and confronted me with it. He was very angry, and he asked me to leave in the morning which I did.
We didn’t talk for a few days and I was very angry that he was carrying on with this woman. I was very upset and spent a lot of my time crying. I signed up at a dating site Mostly out of anger and spite) and I met a man. I was upfront with this man and told him what happened and that I really just wanted someone to talk to. I was never interested in this man in a romantic way and he knew it. After a few days apart, my boyfriend called me and asked how he could make things up to me. He still thought that there was nothing wrong with what he had done. To make a long story short………….this is how our relationship has gone for the entire two years. He tells me he is not interested in anyone else, that I am the only one for him, yet he cannot stop flirting with other women. We break up, make up, it is a vicious cycle.
I found him on another site just this past summer. I made up a profile and merely said hello. That’s all it took. He told me he was single, mentioned his wife, his past girlfriend, his kids, his job and there was nothing mentioned about me at all depite us having plans the upcoming weekend to go camping (hmmmmmmm maybe we should avoid camping all together). He did tell this person he was going camping but with his kids. Now this was at a time when we were supposedly on again. I confronted him with this awhile later and he said that technically he is single (so he said nothing wrong in his eyes), and he really did nothing wrong except chat with someone (I often wonder where it would have gone if I would have carried it on a little longer). He can’t see why I would be hurt and not trust him for not mentioning me like I was non existant in his life.
A couple of months later – when we were off again, he slept with a woman he had gone out with prior to me and had remained friends with. This friendship always bothered me because again, there were times when I asked him if he ever mentioned me and he said no because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings- she moved away for a time and then moved back - and while she was away they would chat on the computer and send cyber hugs back and forth and she would discuss the problems she was having with her current boyfriend. I found out he also “hung out” with her and their kids as friends at times when I couldn’t be there. He would swear up and down that he had no feeling for her other than friendship, was not interested in her in anyway, and she was like a little sister to him. Okay so how many people sleep with their sisters??? It seemed to me he was always protecting her.
I was given an ultimatum a long time before that. The man that I had met and chatted to…..it was either him or my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend right away. When given the same ultimatum and after sleeping with her…….he wanted to remain friends with her and fought with me tooth and nail as he felt I was way too controlling to ask this of him. After all they were friends long before he met me and he didn’t meet her on a dating site. Again he cannot see why I was hurt. And never really did say he was sorry for hurting me...just that he had done it for the wrong reasons. Eventually they did stop talking as much because I think she was tired of the bs.
It was after this that I really began to wonder how much can one person take. He expects me to just trust him and all the empty promises he makes (actions speak louder than words). We did break up for a period of about a month and a half. I dated and so did he which was fine. He did continue to try and get me to change my mind and made more promises. I finally caved when it came to actually kissing the man I had been dating. Now that DID feel like I was kissing my brother. There was nothing there. Now, my boyfriend wants me to make arrangements to move there and move in with him. I have been checking into possibilities of transferring there which may definitely be possible. He had promised to go “shopping” for a ring last weekend (his idea) when he came up, but his vehicle died and he had to buy a new motor and had to borrow the money for this. He of course lost all interest in the “shopping” trip and didn’t show any interest in even window shopping.
Anyway………we are full circle again. The women he met while we were apart are still on his email and chat lists, he has promised to delete them, but hasn’t yet and said he doesn’t like to be told what to do if I ask him if he has. I also found a card he sent one woman that he was interested in…….they decided not to get together because he smokes and she doesn’t (she just quit). The card said something about if he knew he had a chance with her it would be enough to make him quit smoking. Guess who is on the patch? Is that coincidence or not? Again, my feelings don’t matter and he still has not deleted these women. He says that it should be enough that he wants to move in with me………and shouldn’t that tell me everything I need to know. What do you guys think?…I am thinking that this situation will never change and he will continue to want to have his “gaggle” of women no matter what. I think that if he really cared about me and my feelings and wanted to invest in the relationship that the women he gathered would have been gone immediately and without question or argument. He said he would do whatever it took to make me trust him, yet he continually argues about this type of situation saying I am insecure and trying to control him. Thanks for letting me vent.

Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
Please be strong, for your own sake. You have the gift of life to learn lessons, evolve into a better self and leave your legacy on this planet. You have learned your lessons from this relationship...One of them being actions do speak louder than words...
Now it's time for you to graduate. Move on with your life. Love yourself enough to make this courageous and necessary step.