beating a dead horse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
beating a dead horse?
7
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:38pm
I married my college sweetheart in 1991. Fell in love harder than i ever knew was possible. Since then we have had a rollercoaster ride to beat all rides. We have kids, dogs, own a home, cars, the typical american dream. Shared interests, shared finances, 50/50 head of household duties. It would be perfect, but we have problems with history, and we communicate horribly. I am the sensitive communicator who can't leave a problem or argument unresolved; raised by hippies. She is the stony one who can shut down when angry and not speak for days, or leave in the middle of an argument and come back hours later, never says sorry; raised by marines. It really became a problem when she was back in college and i went to work shift work to pay the bills; I felt insecure because we never saw each other, she was overwhelmed and would not engage in any discussions about it, offer any assurances, or even acknowledge that my emotional plea for her time was valid. So in 97, i had a two month emotional affair with a female coworker. She listened, she acted concerned, she was interested in me. Big mistake. I found out my wife did care what happened to me in very explosive ways. She brought our kids to my work and initiated a painful three way confrontation in the parking lot while they watched. I begged forgiveness, called everything off with the other person, pleaded to be let back in. I thought i was. She got me back in the winter of 00 with an older fatter, uglier, very married male coworker of hers whom she said she loved like she had never loved me. He had eyes deeper green than the sea. She said it was all my fault for being so overcontrolling and insecure, that i had forced her to it. I figured she owed me one, and after I confronted him and his wife, a year of individual and couples therapy, and massive amounts of zoloft for me, we decided to keep trying for the family's sake, and we really did love eachother, we were just angry at betrayal of trust. Jump ahead to 04, career opportunity opened for her six states away; I supported her and sent her on her own while the kids finished the school year and i sold the house. Big mistake. She called me two months into the separation and said she was having a great time with friends in the office, she "felt like a socialite divorcee." I flew out the next weekend, and knew something was wrong. It took two more months for the kids and i to get permanently out to her. She was different. I was a controlling nuisance who she had no time or use for. The kids and i were secondary backdrop to her work life, and she was at the office 10-13 hours a day. I thought maybe she was just experiencing an adjustment to executive life. I dropped by to bring her lunch one day, and a young male coworker of hers was sitting in a chair at the end of her desk, his torso and arms draped across her desktop while looking longingly up at her and she laughed happily at whatever he was saying. They saw me, her face turned white and he jumped up. Nothing going on there, right? I wasn't sure until we were at an after hours office party and she grabbed his ass in front of me, then threw a drink at him over a girl he was chatting up. After several months of angry confrontational pain, (I fought for her a second time) They broke up, he left town, she completely denies anything ever happened, I'm an insane paranoid control freak. we tried again. Here we are still together, three years after, but i'm still treated like a nuisance. Most of her actions and words make me feel unimportant and ugly. I feel resented most days, and lonely for her smile. The kids are acting out, even the dog knows somethings up. But did you hear that? I'm lonely for her smile. beautiful women bat their eyelashes at me everyday and it means nothing, i have no reaction. I love only this woman, I've seen her through cancer, Skinny, Fat, other people, and if she were happy or would act like she's happy it would all be worth it. I hope it doesn't beleaguer the obvious to ask; In your opinion, is this beating a dead horse? If so, what do i do now? -dietrying38
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:45pm

This is actually simple. Sit down with your wife and ask her if she wants to stay in the marriage. Talk about how this upheaval is affecting the children and the two of you. Once you decide to stay (hopefully), then see a marriage counselor to help you both communicate about what is really going on. It will be a great investment.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 1:51pm

Welcome to the board dietrying38,


I'm surprised after the first incident of cheating that the two of you didn't go to counseling to rebuild trust and heal the betrayal.


Reading material to consider:


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman


His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr


Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore


Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 3:34pm
Thanks for your advice. Here's the rub. She's told me she loves me and wants our marriage to work. That being said, the last time we were at a counselor, she expressed outrage at having to talk to an outsider about all our personal information, and as i recall, when confronted with an uncomfortable truth by the counselor, she got up shouted an obscenity at me, then the counselor, then left me stranded there for an hour. then told me on the way home that if i left everything alone, everything would be ok. it's very confusing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:42pm
Your last response has me puzzled as to why you would honestly want to remain in a relationship with someone who acts and treats you that way. She has absolutely no resolve to change this with you, yet you can't live in a relationship where your communication is so horrible. Someone who refuses to get help is beyond the ability to be fixed.


Edited 7/31/2007 7:45 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:56pm
I myself am puzzled. I'm fairly logical most times, but i cant seem to get around the "mother of my children" thing, or the fact that this woman has been my family for almost 20 years, shared all my major life events; doesnt that demand fierce loyalty in the face of adversity of ALL kinds? If it was another family member like my mom or my son- would i not be required to never give up on them, even if their behavior encouraged me to? On the other hand, I would never let another human soul treat me with such blatant disrespect, nor let anyone treat a member of my family in that way. Sigh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:45pm
You might think of it this way... your spouse is the only family member you get to have purely because you *chose* her. You didn't get to choose the woman who gave birth to you, you didn't get to choose your son's personality, you chose your wife because of the individual she was and because she fit you (or seemed to fit). You made her a part of your family simply because you loved her, not because of any blood obligation to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:28am

"my son- would i not be required to never give up on them, even if their behavior encouraged me to?"

You have an obligation to your son in most situations that doesn't compare to a girlfriend or wife.