Bedtime help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Bedtime help
3
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:44pm
Hi everyone. I guess this is my "poll the audience" question. I am very seriously dating the most wonderful woman in the world. Now the problem she has basically raised her 2 boys herself one 14 one 5. They are both good kids but the problem is bedtime. They are night owls. They basically go to bed whenever they feel like "if" they feel like it. It is not uncommon to not go to bed until 5 or 6 am. She is trying to get them back on a schedule for school but the oldest still isn’t in bed until 11 or so and the youngest one goes to sleep whenever, he has NEVER had a bedtime and sleeps with her. I have told her that it is not good for her much less the kids to stay up until 1 or 2 on a school and work night but she just won’t put her foot down. I have for almost a year trying to get her to take toe young one to the Dr. and see what he can do. I guess besides the obvious health issues and the fact that I have told I can’t keep those hours when (if) we ever decide to marry. I do love this woman more than anything in the world but this is a very big issue for me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: glenn2101
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:58pm
She won't put her foot down because she wants them to 'like' her and she needs their approval and she probably feels guilty about the real dad not being around.....

Talk to her - 'Hey would you go with me to a parenting class to help me understand your point of view, since I don't have kids?' If she says yes, go immediately. If she says no, I don't see much hope for the relaitonship as she's not in a place to hear the truth of your situation.

Kids thrive under good boundaries (I'm not saying strict in your face boundaries) but lines that let everyone know whose the boss in the house and makes routines easier.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: glenn2101
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 9:30am
.Thank you for your reply. I think you are pretty much dead on, she is like that with everyone. She does for everyone and everybody without ever thinking of herself. I don’t think it is as much as she wants the kids to like her as she is that way with everyone; she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings no matter the consequences for herself including me. She is absolutely the nicest person I have ever met to the point sometimes she lets people walk on her until she gets enough then ....lookout! She has an ex who spends sometime with the kids but he is a truck driver who is home maybe 36 hours a week so needless to say she doesn’t get much help. She was recently diagnosed with a large tumor in her abdomen but thankfully we don’t think it is malignant (waiting on results) but I have tried to tell her she needs rest now more than ever. We have talked quite a bit about this and she is trying to get them on a schedule but without any help it is difficult when lil bit has never had a schedule. Thank you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: glenn2101
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 4:32pm
Remember that if you marry her without resolving your differing opinions about child rearing, and without having similar attitudes regarding boundaries for the kids and other people in your lives, you are in for enormous struggle. Her unwillingness to set boundaries, not just for the kids, but for everyone will be an endless source of frustration. Whatever you do, don't brush aside this major difference between you as just an issue of the kids' bedtime or hope that she will somehow act differently as a wife from how she acts as a GF. If she believes that not setting boundaries is being a nice, accomodating person, that it is the right thing to do, she's not going to ever do anything but what she's doing right now in all situations.