is this the beginning of the end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
is this the beginning of the end?
10
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 12:44am

a few years ago my husband quit his well paying job which I was supportive of to become a trainer. In the spring he told me he was attracted to a client he was working with but insisted nothing happened. We went into counseling and have had ups and downs getting past his attraction to his client. After a few months he insisted it was nothing and what he was attracted to was the idea that he was helping someone achieve results and he valued the friendship they created. While he does not train her any more they remain friends. We moved last month to be closer to my work and he is restarting his business in the city.


Last week we returned from my business trip overseas where I presented at a conference. I had 2 days and a few evenings available that I was not working. I spent my free time with him and friends exploring the city, but upon our return he let me know that he did not have as much fun in Europe because we vacation differently. He wants to be with people who are fun and exciting. He is sad and can't explain what it is he needs. He says he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but he also wants to be honest. I suggested a seperation in order for him to figure out what he wants, but he can't imagine being without me or not having someone love him like I do.


I can't stop thinking about his words that he wants more excitement and to be around people who are fun. I hadn't realized I stopped being fun or exciting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 8:56am

Well, okay, so you're 40yo and so heading into your perimenopause years, 60 lbs overweight, and here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 9:36am

ketty I don't want to sound mean but I agree with kiera, 40 is as good a time as any to get into shape and there are people your age and older who are in the best shape of their lives. Fitness may not be your favorite idea for a hobby, but being 60lbs overweight is a serious health risk and there's no reason you have to give up scrapbooking and cardmaking to change your eating habits and try to get some amount of exercise into your week. I don't want you to feel as though I'm criticizing you because I'm not the perfect weight either. But I think if you want to reconnect with your husband and feel good about yourself in the process, you can make a commitment to finding some way to put effort into your wellness. There's no reason not to, and you have nothing to lose!

Unfortunately I predict that if he's indulging in the part of him that values fitness and well-being, he may eventually feel so disconnected from you that your marriage really suffers. It's a big difference in values, he will seek out things and people who correspond with values he has.

Again I'm really sorry if this sounded harsh... I'm sure "lose weight" is an idea you have thought of before and I don't want to add to the broken record. But please consider it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 1:10pm

Red flags:


1)"he was attracted to was the idea that he was helping someone achieve results"


2)"but upon our return he let me know that he did not have as much fun in Europe because we vacation differently. He wants to be with people who are fun and exciting. "


3)"working out, riding bikes and hanging with people from the gym (his new friends) seems to be the only thing that makes him happy. "


Based on what you said, it seems as though he is wrestling with this feelings about who he is, what

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 2:43pm

Welcome to the board kettylou,


I think you've been given some great input on your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 11:38pm

Wow... all responses see the responsibility in my court.


I work full time to pay our bills, I go to school to further my education and I should work out to keep my husband happy. Am I correct in hearing all your suggestions? The blame is in my court for not keeping him interested? This mid-life crisis of his is my fault? I just need more clarifcation...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 3:29am

No, you aren't to blame. And if you don't want to work out with him don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 8:38am

I think Carrie is right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 10:37am

I'm not saying it's your "fault".

You pay bills and go to school, great, but that has nothing to do with your health, which you're ignoring and minimizing - what good is an education if your health is at risk? I don't think you're making taking care of yourself a priority and I think that's a big problem whether it's your "fault" in the marriage or not. And no I don't think you should work out to keep your husband happy - I think you should do something because you can do it for yourself. You can't change him, and you came here asking advice so I'll tell you how you should try changing yourself for the better. You will only get good results from trying.

I know you feel resentful toward your husband because you think that this is his problem that he needs to fix, but it will help you if you try to get out of the mindset of "his problem his fault" and make improvements for YOU. Don't do it for him. His happiness with you will be a side effect. Please don't be opposed to this idea out of spite or because you think he should be the one to change. Yes it would be wonderful if we could all blindly accept one another and not pay attention to their weight or looks. I'm sorry the world isn't that way... Sometimes we need to make an effort ourselves even if we aren't 100% to blame for a situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 12:42pm
Thanks so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 1:55pm
HUGS, thanks for the update. I hope the two of you can work together and be happy together.




angels