Being pushed to breaking point!
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| Mon, 01-19-2004 - 7:42pm |
I know this sounds pathetic, but I'm now 38.5 years old and I am really wondering if this is the last chance I'll have to get married and have babies. I know full well that this is no reason to stay with the wrong person but ....... What if I leave him and never meet anyone else? What if I stay with him and my life is miserable?!
We had a major blow up on Friday night all because he spat the dummy because I wanted to go home after work, have a bath and spend some time with my Mum who lives with me and my two beautiful West Highland White Terriers. I wanted to get to his place around 9pm (after getting home from the city it would have been 7pm and then to get ready and drive to h is place would take this time). He carried on and on and told me "not to bother"!.
Then on Saturday night I tried to talk to him about a few things inlcuding the ex. He got very angry and started yelling at me. During the course of the fight/conversation he told me about three or four times to "f... off". Eventually I had enough so I walked out. Then he kept ringing me but I didn't answer. He was so awful, mean to me and such a bastard.
He can be so great a lot of the time, incredibly supportive of me adn the stress I go thrugh running my business. But other times he is so damn difficult to get on with and he gives me so much grief that I just don't need. He is selfish and immature and he also has a terrible temper that he doesn't bother controlling. He has blown up at me many times over very little. god, as I type this I'm seeing clearly that I need to get out of this relationship.
We fought all weekend. He had an affair about five months ago and left me for this woman. She dumped him because he doesn't make much money (he's always broke and borrowing money off me and I"m always paying for everything). Lately he's been saying that I'm just as bad as her! This has really hurt, it's pretty cruel. Because, after some time I got onto him about working harder (he was bludging for months!) and making money, he reckons I'm just as big a bitch as her. It's lovely being compared so nastily to the woman that he left me for. Anyway, she obviously got his number very quickly, a lot smarter than me!
It was only a day afer she dumped him that he came running back to me. Unfortunatley I knew nothing about her or that he'd had an affair, I only found this out afterwards. He lied and said that he realised what a huge mistake he'd made and that's why he came back. I figured out the rest and confronted him. I then left him but took him back after much begging and pleading and promising me he'd change. He did change for a while but then started up with bad behaviour again.
Now he doesn't want me to spend any time with my Mum and girls and he refuses to accept me buying the house at the back of mine for my mum to live in. He doesn't want "the package". It's a totally separate house adn she would never be over bothering us - in fact she'd never come over as she hates him! But he won't agree to it, even though it's my money that would be buying it! He even had the audacity on the weekend to tell me that I couldn't pay the mortgage on Mum's house (she has no money) as it would take away funds that we could use!!!!! It's my money!
He owns nothing and couldn't even come up with a deposit for a house yet he's telling me that I can't pay Mum's mortgage! I make a lot of money from my business but this is only after six years of pure struggle, determination, stress and so on. My mum lent me some money for the deposit on the house and he said that he would never have dated me if he'd known that Mum owned part of the house! So I said, what are you going to do find a girlfriend that completely owns a property?! I also said that we could start from scratch and save up for a deposit and he sarcastically replied "How?!" as if to say it was impossible to do this.
I'm staying away from him for a while to try and clear my head as I feel so messed up. He just pushes me so much that I feel as though I'm going to have a breakdown. I suffer from clinical depression which I take medicine for but the stress of running a business; looking after my mum; financial problems which I've had for the past few years; and the grief that he gives me has pushed me to breaking point a few times.
I think that staying away from him and trying to clear my head is the best thing to do. Why can't I make the decision to get away from him? I guess it's the good bits, when he's kind and supportive and loving that I'll miss and why I'm hesitant to leave. Or am I just incredibly pathetic? Will the space and distance from him help me see clearer?
