Being Straight Forward
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| Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:36pm |
Yesterday things were going well with my boyfriend and I. We went to the movies, and then went to the park to just chill. He noticed something was bothering me and said I could tell him anything as long as I didn't yell at him. I told him about my court hearing in the morning and my sister and I being out of sorts lately. But then I told him about our relations.
A few weeks ago I started to question whether my feelings and our relationship was mainly based on relations and not time together. I'm not the kind of person who wants just the body, and I've put off my morals of abstinence long enough. I couldn't explain it to him when I first mentioned this several weeks ago. I was unsure because we've been a lot more intimate lately aside from spending time together. My godmother told me that pre-marital sex can taint a relationship, and for a romantic like me, I agree.
So when I told him yesterday, he was almost furious with me. It's not because of him not being able to sleep with me anymore, but how long I took to tell him. My boyfriend dislikes when I say something after the fact, but he also dislikes when I come to him about something I am unsure about too. He said he regret having sex with me on Saturday which we did (aside from going out for dinner and to the movies) for my 20th this weekend. My boyfriend told me he was angry with me because I should've told him this before Saturday, and he was angry with himself because he felt he used me. I didn't make it any better when I admitted at first he made me feel obligated about our relations. He scowled at me saying I should've told me when I asked. To be honest, when he asked me I wasn't anymore. Now he's all upset and ready to never call me again.
I want to be straightforward with him, but sometimes it's so hard. At times I prefer not to make a mountain out of a molehill, so I keep my mouth shut. It's the same with my family, I really wish to confide in them about things, but their reactions do nothing but add insult to injury. I still think I can trust in my man, but how can I judge the situation where there isn't a rift in our relationship?

It would be very hard for any relationship to go backwards, in a sense. Once there has been sex in the relationship, to take it away, usually feels like a deprivation and punishment to the other person. Also this decision for abstinence
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Welcome to the board cece1012003,
I gotta agree with Dr. Shoshanna.
I have to agree with her too... You're singlehandedly taking away from him a big part of the relationship. Sex, or lack thereof, is an important thing to a lot of people and for you to suddenly decide that he can't have that level of intimacy with you anymore is not exactly fair or kind, but it is your prerogative I suppose. I can understand why you made your decision, but I can also understand why he is angry with you. If you are lucky, he will accept this step backwards (albeit unhappily) and respect your wishes. I bet he feels like a complete jerk, as though he coerced you into having sex when you didn't really want to. This is probably a big blow to his ego.
It's important to be straightforward with someone right off the bat. It shows that you trust them and care about them when you take responsibility for how they might feel.
My boyfriend isn't angry at me because I said we shouldn't have sex altogether anymore. The fact that sex being a big portion of relationships doesn't apply to me. Secondly, I did want to have sex with him for sometime, but I'm no good at it and I'm tired of not being able to please him and feeling remorse for it afterwards. Not forgetting I'm not ready to have his child right now either and I've gone against my christian morals long enough.
He's upset because he unintentionally made me feel obligated to sleep with him and that I neglected to tell him the moment he did. That is what this is about: being straight with him. He always tells me to use my best judgement and every time I do just that, it leads to disaster between the two of us. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't afraid he'd leave me if I didn't sleep with him.
And lastly but most important, being denied sex is not going to kill him!! Sex is not food, water, or air. Plus, he exercises, draws pictures, jogs, anything to help get his mind away from that.
Of course it's extremely important to be up front and honest, no matter how the other person responds. If you communicate your feelings in a responsible way, do not blame or criticize the other, but take responsibility for how you feel, things usually work out okay. It would be a good idea for you to practice doing this, little by little. How a person responds is up to them. To be honest with yourself and others, is up to you.
About the sex issue - it's possible that he's not angry about having sex taken away in the relationship. However, usually, this is a decision made by both parties, not one. You have your views on sexuality in a relationship, and he has his needs and views. Unless both parties are on the same page about it, it is inevitable that stress will arise. From your point of view, it's fine for him to replace sex with jogging, exercise, etc. However, there are many, many men who would not feel they wanted to do that. It would seem like a deprivation to them. The men who do choose abstinence before marriage would feel as you do. It's important to become really clear about how your boyfriend (not you) feels about this. Both partner's feelings count.
Best wishes,
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cece1012003,
I can tell you are struggling within yourself, to know yourself, to live what you believe.