believe him....or leave him??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
believe him....or leave him??
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 8:45pm
My boyfriend and i have been together since August. We have been living together since October. My problem has to do with his ex...I have many reasons and facts to believe that he has cheated on me with her. He says he loves me, and they are just friends and that he is not attracted to her at all. But there have been many instances when she has been home from college, and he has left the house and not come back until the next day. He would not answer his cell, and has always said that he spent the night at his dads. There have been text messages from her, asking if she should meet him in the parking lot after work..."we need to finish what we started last night"..."I want you, hard, and so slow I scream." There was the time at Easter when she showed up at our house with his friend, and she was bragging about how her and my boyfriend had slept together a few weeks before. He kicked both his ex and his friend out that night, then left me at 5am to go straighten things out between him and his friend. He told me he would not even be gone an hour. Well, seven hours later, I found him and his ex alone, at his dads house. I walked in and he was just coming out of the bedroom, and she was nowhere to be seen. He said that they fell asleep and nothing happened. I chose to belive him. Then I heard a voicemail that afternoon from her, telling him that "The story is easy. It is easy to tell and remember. Nothing happened and we fell asleep on the bed. It is an easy story to stick to, and the one I am telling people." He denied ever hearing it. There was the time he said he and his friend Josh were goign to have a guys night out(strippers and such), and lied. He ended up driving up to see her on a Friday night and did not come home 'till early Monday morning. He would not answer his cell phone the whole time and I was so scared that he had been in an accident, and was in a ditch somewhere dead, or hurt and unable to get help, or in a hospital. Instead, he spent all weekend with her. There are all the late night phone calls to and from her. There are many other instances, and hurts and stories. The main things is, I choose to belive him. I don't want to lose him. But now she is moving back to town, and is looking for a place. I am so terrified that he is going to leave me for her. I am not sure I can survive the hurt and pain. I have already been hurt so badly, I do not know if I could survive anymore. When she is not in the picture, we are very happy together. He makes me so very happy. I can be myself around him, he is my best friend... I do not want to loose him. Please help me....should I leave him, or going on believing him that nothing has ever happened between him and his ex, when all the facts point out that what he is telling me is a lie???? Please help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:39pm
You say you choose to believe him that nothing has ever happened between him and his ex. You KNOW it's not the truth given the facts you've presented. You're not choosing to believe him at all, you're choosing to stick your head in the sand - and that's not the same thing as making the choice to believe and trust him.

You moved in with him way too soon to know his true character (your first mistake), but now that you know that he is a liar and a cheater, why do you continue to stay (your second mistake compounded daily)? Now you're afraid that when the ex moves back, he'll leave you. Honey, he's already done that - if he was ever truly with you at all. Cut your losses and get out of this painful situation you are in - it can't get better and don't you think you deserve better than this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:50pm

Hey there--

If you are inclined to believe your boyfriend before you believe the evidence of your own eyes and ears, I'm not sure you're going to listen to me.

But here it is:

Your boyfriend is cheating on you with his ex-girlfriend, and both he and his ex obviously think you are too trusting or stupid or blind to question their inane and ridiculous explanations.

That's it in a nutshell. I hate to tell you this, but the pain is coming, whether or not you stay with him. In fact, the pain will be incomprehensibly worse if you do stay. Because his old girlfriend is coming back into town. And if my guess is correct, soon after that, your bf will grow distant, tell you that he wants to break up, but not give you any specific reason. Within a month tops after that you'll somehow find out he's "reunited" with his ex. Let's say that doesn't happen and you two stay together...what have you gained? The companionship of a man who habitually cheated on you and then conspired with his lover to lie to you about it. Do you think this is going to be the last time he does this?

Do not believe him. Even when this guy tells the truth, he's lying.

If you confront him now, let him know that he hasn't fooled you, and dump him, you will still get the pain, but you won't lose your self-respect.

Let her have him. She deserves him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 10:36pm
<<"he is my best friend...">> How is that possible? He lies to you, and tries to cover his tracks. He makes you doubt yourself, and doesn't care. What exactly has he done to earn your friendship? What do your other friends do to take a back seat to him? Beat you with sharp sticks?

<<"I can be myself around him">> Well, that's kinda sad if that is true, because that would mean that who you are is an untrusting scared little girl with no backbone and serious codependent tendencies.

<<"should I leave him, or going on believing him that nothing has ever happened between him and his ex, when all the facts point out that what he is telling me is a lie????">> Let me point something out to you that you have failed to recognize. You say that all the "FACTS" point to infidelity, and you are questioning whether or not you should believe him or the "FACTS". Well, facts are based on scientific evidence, and are irrefutable. So, unless you believe that the sun revolves around the earth, I would say go with the facts. However, you have never actually caught him in the act, and that is what has you doubting yourself. You cannot actually define your suspicions as "fact", but that doesn't mean he is not cheating. So, ask yourself, do you want to put up with him lying, covering up, telling you that you are crazy for doubting him? Or are you going wake up and realize that you don't have to have irrefutable proof that he is cheating to boot his ass out the door. It is pretty circumstantially evident that he is being unfaithful to you.

<<"I chose to belive him.">> The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again the same way, but expecting different results every time. You said more than once that you chose to believe him. It's almost like you are in a bad soap opera. Your bf tells you he isn't cheating, you believe him. He stays out all night, tells you nothing happened, you believe him. It happens again, and always your response is the same. And each time you are wondering why this time wasn't different. Why didn't he come home when he said he was going to? Even though he lies to me every time, I believed when he said that he was going to come home in an hour. Next time will be different.

<<"When she is not in the picture, we are very happy together. He makes me so very happy.">> No one ever said he was a fool. He knows he's got a good thing going on, and he's not going to jeopardize that. He has you totally eating out of his hand if he throws you a few bones ("Baby, I love you. There's no one for me but you. Let me rub your feet...") And then when he wants a little something extra, all he has to do is come up with a pathetic lie, and who are you to doubt it? You don't want to lose him, so you don't want to have him on a tight leash. You don't want to seem like a nag, otherwise he might not want to spend time with you. That might just send him running into her arms, right? Let me tell you something that you obviously haven't figured out yet. If you are with a good man, a real man, a man worthy of your love, it doesn't matter how bad of a fight you have, it doesn't matter how much you nag him, it doesn't matter how tight of a leash you have him on...A REAL MAN WILL NOT CHEAT! And when you find a real man, you will know that you don't have to keep tabs on him, and you don't have to nag him. He is happy to do what makes you feel happy, and secure, and respected, and loved. Can you honestly say that your bf makes you feel any of those things?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 9:25am

He's been cheating on you, honey. You don't choose to believe his lies--you know in your heart and mind that he's been cheating. What you choose to do is accept that he's cheating on you. Don't you deserve more than that?

I wouldn't worry about him leaving you once she moves back to town, he won't. He'll just continue to do what he's been doing. Live with you and sleep with her. It's really a perfect arrangement for him, and I'm sure he won't want to do anything to screw that up.

I know you love him. But really, you deserve better. You'll find someone else that treats you with the respect and love that you deserve, and THEN you'll find out what love really feels like.