Best Friend and Boyfriend
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Best Friend and Boyfriend
| Wed, 05-30-2007 - 10:32am |
I've been with BF for 2 years, good friends for seven. We've lived together for 1 year. We are the perfect match and he has asked me to marry him (but we can't afford a ring or wedding yet so I guess we're still just bf/gf). I trust him through and through, and we've been through a whole lot together. We were dating for just a couple months when my mom had a stroke and he had to come stay with me to help take care of her, etc. He's a wonderful person and I am already committed to being with him for the rest of my life. There is one problem, though. There is this girl who has been a very close friend of mine for 12 years. She was with an older guy for a very long time at a very early age - started at 16 and just ended 4 years later. It was a very distructive relationship - he was addicted to drugs, not abusive physically, but emotionally. He had a very hard childhood and she had a very priviliged one - these are the kinds of guys she dates - ones she has to take care of no matter the cost. The point is she's finally broken up with him and has been very loose the past few months - I'm pretty sure she is searching for something. She told me that she "blacked out" after a night of binge drinking (which she only blacks out when she does things she shouldn't, so I'm pretty convinced it's not true) and woke up with my other best friend's (one of her good friends)boyfriend. So, she and my boyfriend, some how, keep getting closer and closer and they have started hanging out - without me. When I call him and they're together he beats around the bush, making me ask 20 questions to find out - when all he has to say when I say "what's up?" is "oh Natalie came over and we're hanging out." I probably wouldn't like it still, but at least he's being honest. This has happened twice, and I got angry both times because boh times he acted like he was doing something very wrong and was ashamed by it. This makes me question!!! I have talked to both of them how it makes me uncomfortable - especially because she is really the only other person I hang out with - and he tells her very personal stuff about me and our relationship - stuff he shouldn't be confiding in my friend. When we both call him one day, he calls her first. I've been feeding her cat for the past few days while she's at the beach, and I've called her about twice aday for the past 3 days trying to figure out when she's coming home - left messages, everything - and he called her yesterday to thank her for who knows what - and she calls him back last night at 9 at night!!!!! I feel very uncomfortable about this, but both of them are all "you don't trust me" and I trust him, but not her. Once he went over to her house to take her back her key from another time feeding her cat, and she was wearing a dress so short that when she bent over, if she didn't have underwear on, you would have seen everythign - and she was bending over a lot in front of him - he told me he noticed and was grossed out. He also told me he didn't really like hanging out with her. So why does he insist on hanging out with her? Am I being irrational? I know they aren't doing anything like cheating or anything, but why do they have to hang out without me? Why does she call MY boyfriend to change her airfilter when first of all she should be doing it herself, and secondly has PLENTY of other guy friends to do it?

I had a friend like this once--- once.
My real question is how do I get this across? What do I say to them? Also, she is moving to Portland in July. I'm not a confrontational person - I can't stand drama and I hate to burn bridges - so I don't just want to be like "you're not my friend" (obviously a little less like I'm in 2nd grade..) because I really wouldn't have to deal with it after July... And the problem is that she and I have talked about this - she even said "if it would make you feel better, I can call you and let you know if we're going to hang out" which, first of all, she shouldn't be "letting me know" when she's going to hang out with my boyfriend - she shouldn't be hanging out with him at all... But if they're going to do it, then I would like to know about it. I don' tknow, if I was to say "I would have appreciated it if you would have called me first" then it sounds like to them "she's my friend not yours" or all possessive. Really I just want her to move and for me to only see her when I go to visit.
I hear you.
Hi eburgess1,
Trust your gut feeling, I don't' think you really need anyone here to tell you that their behavior is INAPPROPRIATE, but in case you do - Their behavior is INAPPRORPIATE.
Sandra-
You are totally right. I have tried talking to him, but it just ends up in a frustrated "I don't know why, I just don't like it!" and "You need to think about who your best friends are, especially since you don't trust her." Which, and I agree with him, is right. But, I really don't see her as my best friend, I just don't want to go through the stress of having to explain to someone why I don't think I want to continue this friendship. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm pretty passive aggressive (my father is the ultimate VICTIM) and this is one I just really don't want to deal with. I think that the reason I don't want to say anything is because when she moves I'm hoping that we'll just kind of drift apart - which I realize is the coward's way to get something accomplished - but that way it's the distance, and not me, that made it happen.
And it's not that I have a problem of his hanging out with girls - although, I wouldn't know, because he doesn't hang out with girls when he's not at work (the girls he works with, or Customers - he works at a Barne's and Noble) or unless I'm there. He normally hangs out with guys. Like, he's good friends with the sister of one of his friends from highschool, and he's also good friends with a lot of his older sister's friends - I have NO problem with his hanging out with them. I don't know them like I know my friend, but then again, do I really know her? These other girls are people I'm not threatened by - plus, they don't call him. BF works very often from 4pm-midnight, and you never know when. So she calls him at 9 pm last night - which makes me think "she's calling him when he could be at work (and she knows 100% that I'm NOT at work) - is she doing this because I'll never know if he's at work? How many times does she call him when I'm at work during the day?"
And also, if he cares about my feelings and this is obviously (and it's been made known!) really upsetting me, are my feelings so unimportant to him that he feels the need to continue this relationship that is "not all that much fun" to him? It's not like I'm saying NO GIRLS EVER! However, I really don't know how comfortable I am with girls calling him on the phone often. My guy friends don't call me to chat, or for anything other than "what are you and John doing tonight? You guys should come out!" They all quit casually calling when it started being serious with BF.
I really am going to try the whole "US vs. her" thing. It seems like it will work, I just hope he doesn't say "you're controlling me."
You know, my Mom used to say, "If you want to know who a person is, look at who their friends are."
I do realize I was a bit ambiguous with what her status is in regard to being my best friend. She has been my best friend until recently when I am realizing or questioning whether or not this is the case. This is my entire problem - is it reasonable to have a problem with this and does anyone else think she (and he) is in the wrong? And how do I approach them on it?
They are BOTH absoluteley, utterly and completely in the wrong. Stop talking about this great guy that you're going to marry someday who totally disrespects your feelings. He's lapping up the attention like a love sick dog all the while pretending not to understand the problem. I'm sure he'd understand real quick if some guy was snifffing after you and you were encouraging it!!!!!!! The whole "men can be friends with whom ever they want and you have no say" is crap - let me repeat that CRAP!!!!!!!!! In a healthy relationship partners don't make you feel insecure while pursuing a relationship with the opposite sex that has disaaster written all over. She's giving him peep shows for God sake. Would it be okay if your male friends were making sure you get an eyefull of their bulging penis?
You have every right to set a boundary and tell him to end the relationship with her. If he accuses you of being controlling or insecure just tell him you have more respect for yourself than he obviously has for you and their relationship is inappropriate. And if you can't trust him to respect your feelings and needs you should be kicking his butt to the curb not considering marrying him!
You know it's WRONG - WRONG - WRONG! I'm in therapy and one of the most profound things I have learned is you don't need anyone's permission or understanding to set your boundaries where you feel safe and always trust yourself NOT the person who's trying to get away with a behavior that is harmful to you and your relationship!
Good luck!