Betrayal?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Betrayal?
11
Sun, 07-22-2012 - 11:40pm

My husband and I have been together for over 8 years and married for 5. In the last year we've had relationship problems especially around sex. I wasn't wanting it very often because when we have it sometimes he can't climax for over an hour. Although most people might not think this is an issue it becomes a real problem when he wants to have sex once a week. I found out a few months ago he's been going on a web cam porn site and getting private shows while he shows himself to the woman on his webcam. I also found that he'd placed an ad on a discrete sex website. He swears nothing ever happened and he only did it because I wasn't wanting to have sex. We've been going to counseling but I've been afraid to bring up the porn sites for fear of embarrassing him and me. In a way I can understand that he doesn't feel his needs are being met but I feel betrayed and hurt. I have tried to have sex more often for the sake of our relationship but it's hard when I know each time sex will be over an hour. I don't know what to do anymore. I've considered divorce but worry about the amount of debt we borh and how I'll survive on my low salary. If anyone has anyone words of wisdom they would be much appreciated. I don't feel I have anyone to discuss this issue with because it's embarrassing on so many levels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 1:55pm

I think the Porn and Sex are symptoms of a different problem.  They are definitely an issue, but I think what needs to be addressed is why they have become an issue.

OP.  Did your DH always have a porn habit, or has this materialized over the last year?  What was sex like before these really became issues.  Was there are time (beyond the initial onset of sex) where you both seemed to thoroughly enjoy sex and even sort of craved that time together?

Is there something that has happened in the last year or so that has forced your relationship to change, even if it doesn't seem like it should have?  Career change, lifestyle change, perhaps something that used to be the norm kind of got left on the sidelines (unintentionally).  Is there new added stress that either of you, or both of you are experiencing?

Could there be a communication gap, what do you feel uncomfortable discussing with your DH?  What do you think your DH struggles communicating with you?

Are there little things, that independently don't really show on your radar, but over time combine and kind of fester in your mind.  These could be comments made in passing, slight actions that you find negative, new habits that have slowly caused a rift?

There is a really good book written by Dry Gary Chapman, called The Five Love Languages.  It is a great resource for identifying how both you and your DH communicate most effectively.  He also wrote a book talking about the different seasons many marriages go through.  I found that book to also be very insightful.  And while they are religious to some degree, they are also great for those who are not religious.  I know I personally gained a lot of very good information from them, that has really allowed me to see my marriage from different perspectives and in turn made my marriage much stronger and happier.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 6:46pm

Hazydayz, I am not going to suggest any other boards.   You're fine right here if you want to continue with us.

I see your problem as multifaceted.   It's not just about him not being able to climax in a reasonable amount of time, it's not just about the porn and it's not just about the betrayal.   And I think it's worthy of note that this is not 'regular' porn that he's doing - but interactive porn.  I can imagine that this would be signifiantly more hurtful than looking at photos.

To me, your problem is all of things combined and all must be addressed.    Is it reasonable to suggest that you may be able to work towards getting past the betrayal if he stops the porn and addresses his inability to climax?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: geoteo
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 2:12pm

Exactly.

OP, the purpose of therapy is to address your concerns.  If you don't bring them up, they can't be addressed.  That's just a waste of time and money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: glenn1962
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 12:48pm

I too would recommend the porn board with the exception that it has been slow of late. Maybe betrayed spouses would be better?

That said, if you are going the therapy, the idea there is to address your concerns. What would hold you back from bringing up his online habits in therapy? 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 12:35pm

Unfortunitly most readers were led astray by listing the hour long sex.  If porn is your complaint then there is a board for that.

Pornography & Your Relationship

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: glenn1962
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 11:44am

<< The keyword here is ''mutually enjoyable'' which doesn't seem to be the case of the OP. >>   

In lue of trueblue's explanation as to how and why I have driven this thread off topic by addressing the initial assumptions of the OP, I will continue as I do not believe anything I have posted is off topic (aka - highjacked).

If the hour long sex of the OP was mutually enjoyable, she would not have posted here in the first place so to point that out is rather redundant, no?

What I have been trying to say is that what she believes surrounding 'normal' sex may well influence or control her body's response to the hour long sex she is complaining about. The next woman over may be complaining that her husband only lasts 3 minutes when she believes that 'normal' sex should last an hour. In these two cases, the only difference is ones initial assumptions which, IMO, are malleable enough to alter should one have the will to do so.

Should the OP accomplish such an adjustment, barring physical limitations that we do not know about yet, the problem could well be solved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 5:25pm

OK guys, now I'm pulling out the anti-hijack request.    If anyone feels the need to debate another poster, could you please respect the OP's post is about her and start another thread for your discussions.    

Actually, I'll even make a thread for you

thanks in advance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Re: Betrayal?
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 3:28pm
glenn1962 wrote:

I was having daily, mututally enjoyable, one or more sessions, hour plus long sex with my wife of 22 years (with a few days off a month for her cycle) the entire marriage so there is no way to convince me that it is painful by default. Following my divorce, my gf of 2.5 years was even more so.

Two gf's prior to marriage, same.

What am I missing?

The keyword here is ''mutually enjoyable'' which doesn't seem to be the case of the OP. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: glenn1962
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 1:41pm

Once again, I'm glad that neither myself nor my ex were aware of the restrictions within normality, we would have missed out on a lot of great sex.

Just so I am informed for my next marriage, when should I stop dailly sex starting from the time we meet and/or marry?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Re: Betrayal?
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 11:51am

 

' I was having daily, mututally enjoyable, one or more sessions, hour plus long sex with my wife of 22 years (with a few days off a month for her cycle) the entire marriage so there is no way to convince me that it is painful by default. Following my divorce, my gf of 2.5 years was even more so.

Two gf's prior to marriage, same.

What am I missing?'

What you're missing is the fact that the case of Glenn and Ex-wife  is not normal in any way shape or form. To me, it's on the verge of almost ridiculous. In the first lustful months of a r-ship and before the two actually live together and share lives with jobs, kids and problems, I can understanding wanting that much sex. But most definitely NOT afterwards. As for 22 years... this, to me, is a joke. I doubt VERY VERY VERY strongly that most couples married for 22 years have sex once or twice every day.