betrayed again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
betrayed again
4
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 11:46am

I've been married for ten years and my dh has a history of lying to me and keeping important financial things from me. He has got us so far into debt because of this in the past. Recently I found out that he hasn't been turning in his work expenses and his credit card is over the limit and has been sent to a debt collector. Along with that he hasn't paid our cell phone bill in months and that too is at a debt collector. Our household expenses also haven't been paid.

I confronted him and asked him why but all he said was that he didn't know why. I insisted that he bring home his work expenses and we went over them together and he this week received a check for 2K dollars but that only puts a minor dent in the debt he has accumulated with late payments and finance charges. I took over the household expenses.

My question is how do I stop this pattern of behavior when he just doesn't understand why it's such a big deal? When I ask him why, he always says he doesn't know why. He's 34 years old and he forces me to be a parent to him instead of a partner and I am so sick of it. I feel like I have no recourse. I feel that if I scream it does no good, I offer support/help and it does no good. Do I kick him out and devestate my children? WHAT DO I DO???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:58pm
Hi kassandrasmonm, would your husband consider counseling with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:52pm
I would suggest that you take control
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:17pm

'My question is how do I stop this pattern of behavior when he just doesn't understand why it's such a big deal?'

Have you ever been able to stop the pattern? Have you ever been able to successfully get him to be honest with you about one financial instance that he originally lied about?

Did his behavior change after you got married or did you marry someone who you knew had these lying and financial problems?

Thing about getting a financial advisor and marital counseling to help clear this up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 6:54pm

I think that a visit with a psychiatrist would not be out of the realm of being of help here. IF, and I emphasize IF, he has a mental health problem that is causing this, it's so much better to find out and deal with it. The possibilities for what those could be are quite broad, IE, Bipolar, depression, personality disorder, narsicism, etc. If you think this is even remotely a possibility, I would encourage him to go at least once to talk to a psychiatrist about this.

What would concern me is the underlying reason that he is doing this, and there is one. It is not fair to you to have to "take over" anything in a marriage/partnership. It is definitely NOT good for your relationship.








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