Between a rock and a hard place...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2012
Between a rock and a hard place...
6
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 4:34pm

So here is the deal.. My boyfriend was previously married. For 10 years.(has a 4 yr old too) His ex cheated on him 4 times through marriage. They ended up separating, and 4 months later him and I were together. They were still married at the time. Their divorce wasn't finalized until another 4 months after that. We've been living together since August of 2011. I flat out talked to him about marriage. Told him that most people wanted to be CEO of a huge company, make thousands or millions a year with the nice house and car, but that wasn't me, all I ever wanted was to get married, settle down and have a family. He was blunt and made the comment about not wanting to get remarried because it cost too much. He has since changed that to I want to marry you now just isn't the right time. What I'm wondering is if anyone has any insight on to what he could possibly mean, or if he even plans on marrying me. Or if someone could even tell me if I am wasting my time. I would be willing to be his forever girlfriend because that's how much he means to me, him and his son both, but if I am wasting my time, I wanna know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 9:28pm

Oh..so marrying you would cost too much..BUT yet he didn't think that when he had gotten married all those years ago. I say dump his ass.You shouldn't have to be chasing after someone to marry you PERIOD! Also NEVER settle to be someone long forever girlfriend.Be better then that.It's just like all these women out here nowadays SETTLING to be just someone's "baby mamma"....forget that crap! You deserve better.It's not easy because you love him and that's normal BUT you have to let him go..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Fri, 12-21-2012 - 9:41am

Maybe he is just wary because his ex treated him so badly.

I agree with some of the other comments that you might be a rebound relationship. It might take him time to be ready for commitment again.

Just keep the communication open between you two.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 3:08pm

I'd have to agree with the others. As was already said, this is a rebound relationship. He didn't have any time at all to be alone and to clear his head. He jumped straight into another relationship with you. I can see why even now it is just not the right time to talk about marriage. You have not been together a great deal of time, he honesltly may not know yet whether he wants to marry you. He is likley spooked from his previous marriage and  the associated costs.

There is no way for us to know whats going on in his head, whether he will ever want to marry you. The reboundish nature of your relationship puts 1 strike against it in my mind.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 12:46am

  He has a lot on his plate!  You desire to get married is blinding you to the emotional and financial realities.  Have you seen a family/divorce atty to find out all the potential problems?  He most likely will have child support which can be very expensive.  In some states your income can be attached to increase child support that you will not be able to dodge.  If you are not in one of those states what happens if you do move or the laws change?  Plus working thru all the feelings that he has.  pressuring yourself and him to "get married"  is not the wisest course.    Give him and you time.  Feelings and circumstances can change a lot esp after a divorce.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 8:50pm

If you really want to get married, then why would you keep dating someone who told you flat out that he didn't want to get married?  Sometimes people do change their minds over time but someone who came right out of a divorce is unlikely to want to jump right back in, esp. if the divorce was messy or as you imply, he lost a lot of money.  It's unclear how long you dated before you lived together.  A year of living together really isn't that long.  We also don't know how old you are.  A 25 yr old who wants kids can afford to wait a while.  a 35 yr old woman, not so much.  No one can really tell you if he'll change his mind, so I guess it's really up to you to decide how long to wait or whether you really would stay with him even if you don't get married.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 6:36pm

Cordial91 wrote:
<p>So here is the deal.. My boyfriend was previously married. For 10 years.(has a 4 yr old too) His ex cheated on him 4 times through marriage. They ended up separating, and 4 months later him and I were together. They were still married at the time. Their divorce wasn't finalized until another 4 months after that. We've been living together since August of 2011. I flat out talked to him about marriage. Told him that most people wanted to be CEO of a huge company, make thousands or millions a year with the nice house and car, but that wasn't me, all I ever wanted was to get married, settle down and have a family. He was blunt and made the comment about not wanting to get remarried because it cost too much. He has since changed that to I want to marry you now just isn't the right time. What I'm wondering is if anyone has any insight on to what he could possibly mean, or if he even plans on marrying me. Or if someone could even tell me if I am wasting my time. I would be willing to be his forever girlfriend because that's how much he means to me, him and his son both, but if I am wasting my time, I wanna know.</p>

What it means is that he wants to marry you but now isn't the right time.  He just got out of a marriage. He hasn't really processed out the emotions surrounding the ending of the marriage, even though she cheated on him. That's a separate issue to his hopes and expectations of the marriage dying.  He's got feelings behind that which haven't been resolved and he can't see himself jumping back into that fire when that work hasn't been done.

He may one day marry you, but it will not be on your time table.  If you love him, are willing to be his forever girlfriend and he means that much to you, then why isn't that enough for you until he gets to the point where he's emotionally ready to remarry?

Only you know if you're wasting your time. Only you know if you have the time to wait til he gets there. We don't know him and can't speak for him as to what is going through his mind.  You know him, so you need to talk to him.

What is certain is that he hasn't been on his own to deal with the emotions--and your relationship is pretty much a rebound relationship. When someone hasn't had time to deal with the demise of a relationship and they jump into a new one, more times than not, they will not pan out as a forever relationship. I don't say that to bring you down, but to give you some information so that you can keep your expectations in check.