BF of 2 yrs needs space? advice?
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| Mon, 03-01-2004 - 3:21pm |
We had a big fight last fall, and broke up for a week, but then missed one another and we slowly got back together and were serious again. So we have been almost living together for the last few months when this weekend we squabble again-- and this time it is my fault again. I don't mean to be possessive, but I think I tend to be high maintence and really want "special" attention from him and I feel like he finds going out with his friends more exciting than just spending time with me alone. I'm sure it just seems like this as we are very attached at the hip. I dunno, I am just a really big sucker for cuddling and affection. I think that it may be because my father was never very affectionate with me and we have a hate-love relationship and this might be a factor why I'm more possessive and don't really know how to understand guys.
Anyways, something small triggered my bf's major overreaction this Friday night and he was upset. He said that he is sick of having to ok everything with me and me freaking out at little things or jokes he says and sometimes losing my temper in front of my friends. He said that he thinks that the best thing is to be apart (not to break up) and to do things on our own for a while-- and he's not sure how long-- maybe a week?
The next day he was still mad (I forgot something at his place I DESPERATELY needed for my exam this coming week... I'm taking night school classes).
So I called yesterday as I studied so much my head was about to explode, and we agreed to catch some dinner together. We discussed it and it seems to be a more complicated issue... we always argue here and there and he is afraid it will never change. He also asked me "Where do you think this is going" and I said I don't know, but I love him dearly.
He said that he didn't see us being extremely long-term into the future (meaning marriage... he is ALWAYS worried about marriage) and therefore why are we being so serious now? He is also worried about his grad school graduation next year and then we'll have to go through trying to figure out if we will even be within driving distance to one another (he is applying for medical residency)... he's worried that if he has to move away (meaning something happens, the programs away are much better academically, or he doesn't get accepted to anything in the area) we will have a much much worse break up and he is freaking out about the thought of this because he has so much pressure about it and he is slightly depressed about school: he thinks that he is not good enough and several times has fallen into depressed periods where he will doubt himself and criticize himself.
However, the reason why I am confused is because:
1) why is he thinking about marriage and ahead two years when we still have time to decide, etc?
2) why does he always pull away after being so close to me? He's always the one mentioning marriage and wanting to include me in his plans, that this turnaround is a bit confusing and annoying to me.
I almost feel like he feels that he just realized the seriousness of some of what he has been talking about (accepting a job near me after graduation, or me moving with him if he has to move, formally introducing each other to our parents, and he's even mentioned that he wants to buy me things once he is making money and recently he mentioned he wants to replace my favorite ring with a diamond one.)
I honestly do not care as long as we are happy-- I have no set schedule, etc. So why the fear now all of a sudden? I don't care about the future right now-- we are only 23, we have plenty of "future" left and right now we should enjoy one another whenever we can.
Anyways, after some more discussion where I told him what I wanted to do (maintain more privacy for the two of us while trying to have fun when we are together) he said that he wanted to give my plan a try (dating exlusively, he's only interested in me, hang out more on the weekends, maybe sometimes on the weekdays and if we don't want the other to come along like a girls night out or guys night out then the other party can't be upset, etc. And we are allowed to do our own thing and not have to show up to everything as a couple.)
I feel more free now not having to feel responsible for making dinner plans for us, etc, but I am seriously relapsing right now and missing him terribly.
He is the first guy I have ever loved, and if it wasn't for this one issue at we argue about, we would be a great couple.
So should I just stick it out? He doesn't sound like he wants to break up, just take a step back from being too serious and being attached at the hip and getting some "fresh air".
He personally volunteered to bring me dinner tonight since I'll be busy studying and won't have time to cook too much and also to take me out to celebrate me finishing my test on Wednesday or some other day this week. And then we'll hang out or go on a date this weekend.
Does this sound normal? I know that we are very different from some couples who only see one another a couple times a week-- so I'm trying to figure out if this might actually make it better: like making us want one another more? We literally spend every waking moment with one another-- there is nothing about his personal habits that I don't know about, etc-- this is too stifling right?
And is it a good sign that he doesn't want to break up and wants to continue dating exclusively? Because we are in our twenties, it's expected that this is a tumultuous time: college graduation, grad school graduation, and the possibility of marriage later on into our late twenties, early thirties, etc.
Does this sound familiar? I appreciate any thoughts and advice on the matter.

Giving him some time may work in the short term, but you will have to work on your own issues as well. I can understand needing 'special' attention - yet, with him juggling as much as he is, I'm also sure it's not always easy to give you what you need. You will have to find a way to resolve your issues from your childhood with your father - consider some short term counseling available for free on campus. And then also figure ways to boost your self-esteem - to know and believe that he loves you, loves being with you, though it may not be permanent or even when he's busy with his friends. It doesn't mean he doesn't still have those feelings for you.
My best to you.
Carrie
Yeah I think that the reason he is stepping back is because he is overwhelmed with everything. My life right now is a little bit more settled, with a new job and having more free time, etc without bothering about other people grading me, etc.
I guess we'll just have to take it where it goes and see what happens. And yes, because of this, my self-esteem has been a little shot-- and it hurts to see and feel him stepping back and I honestly feel really wonderful with him. Whenever i'm down, he's there to support me.
But I guess at the moment he needs to support himself?
Thanks again and I'll keep you guys posted.