bf of 4 yrs will not commit! HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
bf of 4 yrs will not commit! HELP!!!
2
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 3:07pm
i have a very serious issue going on in my life right now and i really need some great advice on my bf of 4 yrs that will not commit because he a product of his environment. what he means by that is his ex-wife cheated on him while he was building their brand new house. she took it in the divorce. he lived with a woman for 10 yrs and she cheated on him also. they both said that he worked too much. we started dating in july, 2000. we worked at the same factory. i am 29 and he is 42. i have a 5 yr old girl and he has no kids. my little girl thinks the world of my bf. he lived with a friend and his gf when we started seeing each other. he had no privacy and there was a crowd of people every night. we hit it off great!!! i couldn't believe that he even asked me out. we both thought we would go out a few times and that would be it, but we ended wanting to spend more & more time together.

6 months into the relationship we talked about how we really cared for one another and wanted to get serious. we finally told each other i love you. he was ready to quit the partying and running wild and find a place of his own. we started looking for houses. as he called it, "THE ALL AMERICAN DREAM." he basically wanted place to die as he says. in july, 2001 he found his dream and bought it. I was so happy for him. then he started talking about the BIG PICTURE!!!! meaning that he wanted my daughter and i to live there and be a family. i never been so happy in my life. the house he bought needed total remodeling on the inside and out. he moved out of his friends house and lived with me for 7 months while he got a bedroom and bathroom finished where he could live there. we BOTH worked our regular job and then go out there and work until late at night. then worked the whole weekend on the house. then everything started to go down hill. we never spent any quality time together. it was all about the house and the relationship was put on the back burner. remind you that i worked hard at his house and then had to come home to my house and cook, clean, and do laundary. he diden't have to pay any bills there because it was my house and he needed to save his money.

he told me that he was not going to have alot of time to spend with me because of the house. he said if i wanted to stick through it and be with him i could, but he would understand if i wanted to find someone else. that really crushed my heart because i thought he was looking for the big picture. he finally moved in there and i never seen him, but at work. i knew it was going to be hard on me not getting to spend time with him, but i stayed right there and was behind him 100% july, 2002, i went on vacation to see my sister. he ended up sleeping with a whore while i was gone. i never found out about it until last year. the relationship got put further and further on the back burner. i was getting so lonely. i ended up seeing someone else, so i could get out of the relationship. i figured that i was doing him a favor.it was with someone at the same work place and he found out about it and it crushed his world. i never in a million years thought that it would bother him that bad. finally he showed me how much i meant to him. he still wanted to stay together and work it out. i could not believe it, but come to find out, he had already cheated on me. he put me through a yr of total hell because of what i done. he talked about how the trust is gone and that he will never be able to trust me again. that i ruined any possible chance of us getting married. he talked about how he could lay his head down good at night. but who is he to judge me when he cheated first, but at the time i diden't have a clue that he did. i loved himm so much that i stuck through all the guilt and hell hoping he would forgive me.

he is still working on the house everyday. he told me that he will never get married again because life made him that way. that if i wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me that he would love for me to stick around. i still wash his clothes, get groceries, write and pay his bills, clean his house, mow the yard, and anything that will help him out. i'm hoping that he will chasnge his mind about marriage. i think he wants to marry me, but will not dare let me know that. he still asks me my opinion on what should be done to the house and he does it just like i want it. if he diden't have any intentions of me living there, then why does he ask me what i want done on the house and hwy does he even want me around. that's what has got me so confused and stressed out in my life right now. i love this man with all of my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

please someone give me some good advice on what his intentions are and if i am waisting my time on a hopeless dream. thanks so much for taking the time to read my life.

kimmie121212

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:25pm
For Chrissakes! You're not a naive 16 year old anymore! Your 29 and a mother. STOP AUDITIONING FOR THIS MAN. Stop being so indispensible, hoping that he'll want you. And please, don't EVER, ever drag your little girl into your love life again. She doesn't need the drama, the chaos, and the uncertainty.

Put your boyfriend problems on the backburner and just concentrate on rearing your daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:33pm
He has been untrustworthy and he told you that he doesn't trust you.

'they both said that he worked too much......we never spent any quality time together. it was all about the house and the relationship was put on the back burner.'

So he hasn't changed.

'that i ruined any possible chance of us getting married.'

Or maybe he was looking for an excuse. Something solid that would get him out of the commitment. Mind you, cheating should be a deal beraker anyway but do you think he really had every intention of marrying you if he warned you that he wouldn't have a lot of time for you and suggest that you look for someone else?

' i ended up seeing someone else, so i could get out of the relationship. i figured that i was doing him a favor'

why not just get out of the relationship in a mature honorable way? Why do you need another guy to get you out? I ask this so that you can think about this in the future.

'he told me that he will never get married again ... that he would love for me to stick around.'

Yep, stick around and cook and do his laundry but don't expect much else. At least he is being honest about that.

This is not a healthy relationship. You don't trust each other (can you imagine going on a vacation without him again?) and you aren't a priority for him.

'i think he wants to marry me'

Then you are fooling yourself and you aren't listening to his words. You are responsible for that so don't blame him when you spend another couple of years waiting for him to propose and he doesn't.