BF dislikes my Dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
BF dislikes my Dad
5
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:27am
I've been with my bf for 2 1/2 years as of October 11th. Most of our fights (which don't happen TOO often) stem from my relationship with my parents. I was an only child for 9 years (my parents were about 16 when I was born), and I have always been very obidient to them. They pretty much disciplined me w/ fear of being disowned if I disobeyed and were very strict when I was in high school. They have this control over me, its mostly that I don't want to hurt them, so I do as they ask, and I don't know how to stand up to them. My bf grows VERY tired of this. When they want me home, I go whether I want to or not, and I can't come home until they tell me I can. I'm 21 btw. I've always had a strange relationship with them. I've never been able to tell them personal things, like boys that I liked, or when I started my first period, or my first kiss. I always hid my bfs from them b/c I wasn't allowed to date. It was very hard to tell them about my current bf. He came home and met them and they get along well with each other, but I can't kiss him in front of my parents, I can't say "I love you" in front of my parents b/c I'm scared of them. This drives bf up the wall. I can understand why he gets upset, I just don't know how to take a stand w/o hurting them. BF tells me that if things don't change it will end up killing our relationship, and I'm trying, in baby steps, to get better.

HERE'S THE MAIN PROBLEM RIGHT NOW: When Hurricane Ivan hit (I live in Alabama) I went home to be with my family and then we went and got a hotel til the storm passed. My parents are in a tight spot right now, so I let them borrow about $700 of my student loan money that I use for rent/bills/food during the semester. I've let them borrow money like this in the past and it infuriates my bf. He thinks its disgraceful that my parents come to me for money when I don't have a job. He comes from a bit of a different background than I do, and his parent's have considerably more money than mine ever had. We always get in fights when I let my folks borrow from me, so I quit telling him about it. Now I'm in a tight spot though. I am in desperate need of that money. I have about $60 in my account and over $200 in bills due. My parents can't pay me back until November. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my bf that I let them borrow the money b/c he asked me over and over when I went home for Ivan if I did and I kept saying no. He's obviously going to know something is up when my power/phone etc is shut off if I can't get the money by then. I might also add that he's already helping me out by paying my rent for me each month.

I guess I just need advice. I don't know what to do, how to stand up to my parents. I know they hate borrowing money from me, my dad feels especially guilty about it. They feel guilty that they can't help ME out w/ college, that I have to pay my own way, and I feel endebted to them for it. I feel horrible for making them feel guilty and I feel horrible if I do anything that might make them feel bad, like not come home when they want me, but at the same time I'm killing my relationship and I am very much in love w/ my bf. I keep telling him that things will be different when we're married, but he doesn't believe me. So, what can I do?? Thanks for reading, sorry its long. : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 3:48pm
Does your parents know that you are short on money? Have you told them?

::I can understand why he gets upset, I just don't know how to take a stand w/o hurting them.

Consider going to counseling on campus to work on setting boundaries, being assertive, standing up for yourself and becoming a more well-rounded adult.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:09pm
You need to get counseling to learn to stand up to your parents and set appropriate boundaries, and you need to STOP LYING TO YOUR BF!!!! That is the quickest way to sabotage things. And why on earth would things be any different if you were married???? Nothing will change unless YOU take steps to change it.

I saw your post on the GT board and it's obvious that setting boundaries is something that you have trouble with. Take advantage of the free or low cost counseling that's available to you while you're in school and DO something about this issue.

As for your financial situation, contact your phone company etc and ask about making arrangements to pay a smaller amount now and more when (if???) your parents repay you. Will they, btw? It was REALLY irresponsible of you to lend more money than you could afford to; you need to learn to say no. You might need to get a temporary job to make that $700 to get yourself out of the hole, rather than relying on your parents paying you back or your bf to pay your rent.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:50pm

>>Does your parents know that you are short on money? Have you told them? <<

yes. i told them last week that i was short and my dad said it would be november before they can pay me back.

>>and more when (if???) your parents repay you. Will they, btw? It was REALLY irresponsible of you to lend more money than you could afford to<<

they'll pay me back. i've let them borrow money before, so i know they'll pay me back when they get it. i didn't see that i had a choice in the matter though. that's my problem. its not as easy as just saying no. especially in the situation when my family's safety was in question. the amount of guilt i would have felt had i not come through and something happened would have been unbearable. i don't know how to say no to them. this is what i've tried to explain to my bf. its really easy for him to stand up, but i have a LOT trouble.

>>You need to get counseling<<

i would, i just don't know where to go. there aren't any free places around here and i can't afford to pay anyone. i have a job, but with my class schedule i can only afford to work about 15 hours a week, and that's only $150/paycheck. all of that money goes straight to bills. my bf pays my rent b/c he wants to, i told him that i would, but he insists on it b/c he has a good job and can afford to.

thanks for all of your input. i'm going to do what i can about counseling and such. thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 6:00pm
Really? Your school doesn't offer counseling services??? Huh. Surely they have some sort of student services office that could at least give you a referral?

It's all well and good for you to "explain" to your bf that you can't stand up to your family, but if you don't DO something about it (i.e., counseling), then it's just words. You need to take action (i.e., go to counseling) to learn how. It's not going to change overnight, and it will take a LOT of hard work on your part, but the rewards will be immeasurable.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 6:01pm
Most colleges offer free counseling.


Carrie