BF has many girlfriends...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
BF has many girlfriends...
6
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 11:49am

So here it is... My BF has many girlfriends. Two in particular that are his best friends.

He has both known them for a little longer than I have known him, and they share a "past" together. Meaning they either hooked up once, or a few times (but never dated) and stayed friends ever since. He has told me about them, and I even met his best girlfriend, who recently got engaged. He is very open about all of this, which is great… He never talks to them over the phone, but very regularily online, almost everyday. I know this because I am very computer savy, and yes, I have snooped (something I am not proud of). The issue I'm having is he talks to them about our relationship, and problems we come across along the way, just like I do with my best girlfriend.

I know that they are close friends, and I need to deal with it. I have talked to him about it, and he always assures me that they are simply friends, and that I have nothing to worry about and that he is with me for a reason...I believe every word… for a while.

I also have many guy friends, but I wouldn't consider them my best friends. I guess you can say I am jealous of these girls because I feel that they have a deeper connection with my boyfriend, and I envy that. No matter how much he tells me he loves me, and how good I feel with him, I feel like he gives them more. I just wish he could talk to me like he does with them if he feels we are having relationship problems, afterall, shouldn't the man you love and possibly marry be considered one of you best friends?

The other day he had a conversation with one of the girls(who is engaged). She was telling him about how she is moving in with her fiancee and if he had any advice. He told her that she was so sweet and that he’s sure her fiancee will not have any problems with her when they move in together. Then she goes on to tell him how smart, sweet and mature he was. And he replied with… Awww you’re such a sweetheart, you always have the sweetest things to say to me… you’re the best! I love you!” I’m sure it was all in a friendly way, but I just don’t’ know how I should take this…

She then asked him, “ so when are you going to get married and have kids?” and he said… ARE YOU CRAZY??? When 2 hours later, no word of a lie, him and I are having a conversation on our way home (that he brought up I might add),and he says to me, “well if I ever put a ring on your finger.” And “ when we have kids.”…. so confused?!?!?! Why is he telling me one thing, and then her the complete opposite??? We have however discussed marriage & children and we both agree that we are not quite ready yet...

SO, my question to all of you is…When and where do you draw the line? I mean, I talk to my guy friends, but I never say… “ aww, I love you!”… I just don’t know what to do, or how to handle this… I know we have a very bright future together, but I really need to know what the best way I should go about all of this is. Some advice would be great! Thanks a bunch for reading!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 2:43pm

Hi peachy_keen and welcome to the board,


Some people talk *smack* to their friends. Maybe he didn't want to share his *real* feelings with her. But I can understand your confusion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 12:21pm

this is how it is going to be....he loves the attention he gets from those other woman.

he is weak and they give him an ego boost.

talking will not help....so what are you going to do about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 12:38pm
Confront him ...and be bold about it. I agree with the previous poster that these women give him an ego boost. I think that is something that you need to seriously think about BEFORE you marry him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 3:36pm

How do you get that he is involved with these friends for an ego boost?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 8:25pm
Ok - I have learned recently that I am "old". I am 38. One of my friend's daughter had her boyfriend break up with her on "FaceBook". I guess it is like a MySpace account. I don't know how old the original poster was, but the internet has changed relationships - especially for young people.
She found out that they broke up because FaceBook has a place where you can post your "relationship", and she was removed from that site. They had been together for 3 years.
He may be talking to pld girlfriends + 100 other people.
I don't know the right or wrong answer to this. I just know if I was young and in a new relationship, it would be hard not to snoop.
I am old and snooped, and found out my husband(now ex) had replaced me with online porn.
I think a line has to be drawn, but I couldn't tell you where the boundaries should start & end.
I feel for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 11:37pm

Opposite sex relationships can only work when boundaries are respected and YOUR boundary is about what you are comfortable with NOT what works for anyone else. No decent therapist is going to support a boyfriend who discusses personal details of his relationship, especially problems with anyone else. Sure we all need to vent once in awhile but ultimately he needs to discuss his concerns and resolve his issues with you. Taking it outside the relationship I would consider more the behavior of someone who can't get any satisfaction discussing it within the relationship.

My best friend is a male and I tell him I love him all the time but we are talking about a bond of deep trust and support and there has never been anything physical between us.

That said, you need to stop spying. You have huge issues in your relationship and there is no reason for either of you to trust the other. You can't discuss the depth of your concerns without admitting what you've done. I have never forgiven my husband for reading my emails and invading my privacy and as you have no concrete evidence of wrong doing you will be the one in the wrong here. People with a bright future don't violate their partner this way.

Good luck figuring it out!