Bf has nude pics of ex in his workbag
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| Sun, 09-09-2007 - 10:24am |
Hi everyone,
I'm shocked and confused since I found naked pictures of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend in the bag he always takes to work. The picture was printed out together with pictures from our appartment (we live together), which means that the printing happened when he already was with me (because we rented the place together last year).
I honestly believe that he's never physically cheated on me. Nevertheless, I have a suspicious mind and can't resist snooping from time to time (just to make sure there's really nothing to worry about). I've been cheated on in the past, so I guess I just want to protect myself.
I confronted my boyfriend and he was of course really pissed about my mistrust and the snooping. What is really annoying though is that he says he can't remember WHEN and WHY he printed them! I am so hurt that he does that to me. My suspicion of course is that he printed them out because she still arouses him and maybe provides a fantasy for masturbation. This is a slap in my face. Our sex life is wonderful and I always thought his ex was long behind him (they were only together for seven months and she cheated on him). I don't believe that he doesn't remember those pictures. He also admitted that they must have been printed out during our relationship. He claims that maybe he printed them out to show them to someone else...But also that is hurtful or at least weird.
Anyway, I don't know what to think of all this. I am really disappointed and hurt. He apologized to me, but still it's bad. This is the man who speaks of marriage and with whom I want to grow old. Now I'm just disgusted by those pics and don't know who he really is. If at least he admitted to getting off on those pics, I could deal with it and get closure. But the suspicion that he's maybe lying is heavy on my heart (we've had problems because of his (white) lies before)...It makes me crazy to imagine she arouses him still today. That is imaginary/emotional cheating!
What can I do to get over this? I don't want to leave him for this but my trust is shattered. I shouldn't have snooped in the first place, I know that. But it happened and I can't make my discovery undone.
Thanks for your help!

I'm going to be blunt - why are you just supposed to get over this? You shouldn't have snooped but seriously, no way in hell would I be with a guy who carried around naked pictures of any woman let alone an ex! It's pathetic and disrespectful.
White lies can damage trust just as easily as the big ones. Where is the trust in your relationship?
It would be a hard thing to just "get over". Regardless if you get over it or not, you really need to work on the baggage that you bring from your previous relationships.
**Nevertheless, I have a suspicious mind and can't resist snooping from time to time (just to make sure there's really nothing to worry about). I've been cheated on in the past, so I guess I just want to protect myself.
Thats fine to want to protect yourself, but until you deal with the trust issues you have from other relationships, you will always lack trust with whomever you are with. You should not judge someone by what someone else did to you in the past. Judge them for what they do. And until you do sort those issues out and get them in order it is not a good idea to be in a relationship. If you don't have trust in a relationship you don't have much of a relationship. You don't trust him and you never will until you work on yourself and respect and trust yourself first. Good luck
Welcome to the board sunshowers81,
If you want to fix this relationship, I think it is going to require couples counseling. If not that, than counseling for you to help you learn to trust again since you already had trust issues before you found these pictures. I would strongly suggest couples counseling, though, since you said you have also had problems with his white lies.
glitter-graphics.com
Welcome to the board sunshowers81,
Since you know you have 'trust' issues from past relationships, it's time to clean those up.
Hi everyone,
first of all I'd like to say THANK YOU for your responses. They all gave me a lot to think about. After reading them, I'm more aware than ever than I need to work on my own issues more than anything else at the moment. I have considered counselling before, but I guess things needed to come to a head before I could really open myself up to it. It's true that his white lies of the past have affected our relationship and my trust deeply. I hate myself for being so insecure and snooping (regardless of the fact that I found something, in this case the pics). You have all pointed me in the right direction, and that is to work these issues out. I have made an appointment with a counsellor (I want to try this out alone first) and I feel relieved I finally did it. I want to thank you all for giving me the push that I needed. Maybe hearing it from strangers was just what I needed.
As for me and my boyfriend, we are not going to throw away the years we've had because of the pics. I want to give him and us another chance, especially since I want to come to terms with my baggage now. I really do love him and I know he loves me too. And for whatever reason he had the pics in the bag (he says now that he remembers that he printed them out in a childish rage after a huge fight we had last year as a kind of symbolical "revenge act" towards me, felt stupid and ashamed afterwards, put them in his bag afterwards to hide them and forgot to throw them away; not to protect or defend him too much, but he IS superclumsy and unorganised...), it isn't the main issue anymore. The main issue is ME and my trust-issues.
So once more, thank you!
Lots of love to all of you