BF is a major slow stepper

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
BF is a major slow stepper
11
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 11:38am

I've written on here before about having to have A LOT of patience with my BF, on a positive note, things have progressed quite nicely. We've been together going on a year and one month now, moved in together about 3 months ago and things have been going pretty great. Anyway, we live together, I know his sons mother, I know his son and hang out with him regularly now but I still havent been introduced to his mom.

We've spoken about this and he mentioned that his mom is very religious, old-fashioned and didn't even let him play football in highschool so he needs more time towards that. Also, let me add that there is a language barrier too so I probably won't be that close to her due to that. I'm not going to break up with him over this but what are your thoughts. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 12:08pm

Im not saying this is the case.  But could it be possible that your BF is not going to introduce you to his Mom, until you two decide to get married?

If that is the case, then I would let it go. Given that you mention there is a language (and possibly culture) barrier.  And that his Mother is very traditional and very religious.  It could be that he is not going to introduce an intimate partner of his until he can tell his Mom that he is engaged and marrying that partner.

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 12:11pm

cr001985 wrote:
<p>I've written on here before about having to have A LOT of patience with my BF, well on a positive note, things have progressed quite nicely. We've been together going on a year and one month now, moved in together about 3 months ago and things have been going pretty great. Anyway, it took him almost a year to introduce me to his son and the baby mama but I FINALLY know them now and they are very nice and respectful, so I'm happy about that. What I'm feeling insecure about still is I still havent been introduced to his mom. His father passed away a long time ago and hes not close to any other family member, so it's only his mom and grandmother thats left for me to be introduced to. We live together, spend almost all our time together and his son comes over a lot now too so I doubt hes hiding anything (like my dad suggests), plus kids have no filter, so my BF risks his son saying something to them about me (if he was hiding something).</p><p>My BF has mentioned that his mom is very religious, old-fashioned and fearful of many things (she didn't even let him play football in highschool) so idk. Also, let me add that there is a language barrier too so I probably won't be that close to her due to that, so I wonder if maybe he feels nervous about introducing me 'cause of that too. Maybe he feels she'll think badly of me 'cause I won't be able to hold a conversation with her? Plus, I'm not the most outgoing, is he afraid we wont get along? We already had an argument about this and he impulsively said, "It might take another year for that to happen!!" (since I mentioned that it took almost a year to introduce me to his son, etc), was he serious though?? He definitely doesn't like feeling pressured, so I've allowed almost everything to happen at his natural pace, granted hes not that close to her to the sense that they talk or hang out but still, its not like shes non-existent. It seems like hes being EXTRA careful ya know. I'm not going to break up with him over this but what are your thoughts. Thanks.</p>

So given that there is a language barrier and that you admit that you probably won't be close to her because of it, how exactly will not being introduced to her on your timetable disrupt and negatively impact the relationship you have with him?

If she is, as you say, very religious, then she is aware that he already has one child out of wedlock and he is now living with and not married to another woman. She may not want to meet you until he is serious enough to propose and marry you--and he might not be there yet with you.

I think you're going to have to exercise more patience with him if this is the man you want.  If you're already arguing over him not meeting the expectations of your time table, then perhaps this isn't the guy for you at this time in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 12:52pm

I just wonder what the big deal is, why hes taking so long. I doubt hes planning on marrying me in another year (which is when he supposedly might introduce me). I think a couple should be together awhile before marriage so I'm definitely in no rush for that, thats the LAST thing on my mind but I'm used to guys introducing me quick! I have NEVER had to have so much patience with someone before. Granted, nothing ever came out of it with those guys, sometimes the involvements wouldnt even last over 2 months but I just wonder whats the real reason hes taking so long. Im also pretty sure the baby mama knows he hasn't introduced me yet either and I dont like feeling like shes probably thinking that hes not THAT serious about me yet. It just looks bad to other people so I feel a little insulted too. Am I being ridiculous for thinking that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 1:13pm

I personally wouldn't consider it a bad thing, that he hasn't introduced you.  He knows his Mom and how she would react.  It maybe best to go with his preferences on this.

And it really shouldn't matter what others think about your relationship.  They are not part of the relationship and it is only their opinion based off of their perceptions.  If this guy is really great, and your relationship is great.  That is all that should matter.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 4:01pm
I think it's a red flag this is a guy you are obviously considering a future with and yet you do not really feel free to discuss an issue that is really troubling you. And it's a cause for concern that he doesn't just say screw it that he is delaying introducing you to his mother for ANY reason and just DO IT. Sitting and wondering and worrying about things like this don't work, this needs to be brought up again and resolved. If you can't resolve even this early issue, it doesn't speak well for the future. I understand your concerns, they're valid.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 4:46pm

cr001985, I'm with Myradorn on this.    I'm more concerned about you being unable to discuss this issue with him than I am with him not introducing you to his mother.    Communication is the most important aspect of relationships - and without it, we're only floundering and guessing.

Instead of trying to guess what's going on, talk with him about it. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
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Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 6:40pm

cr001985 wrote:
<p>I just wonder what the big deal is, why hes taking so long. I doubt hes planning on marrying me in another year (which is when he supposedly might introduce me). I think a couple should be together awhile before marriage so I'm definitely in no rush for that, thats the LAST thing on my mind but I'm used to guys introducing me quick! I have NEVER had to have so much patience with someone before. Granted, nothing ever came out of it with those guys, sometimes the involvements wouldnt even last over 2 months but I just wonder whats the real reason hes taking so long. Im also pretty sure the baby mama knows he hasn't introduced me yet either and I dont like feeling like shes probably thinking that hes not THAT serious about me yet. It just looks bad to other people so I feel a little insulted too. Am I being ridiculous for thinking that?</p>

Who cares what his child's mother thinks-- or anyone else thinks for that matter? They're going to think whatever they want to think and there's nothing you can do about that. The only thing that matters is how he treats you and if there is some kind of disconnect or demerit in how he's treating you, then you need to address that instead of looking for meaningless hills to die on.

This all tells me that despite how well he's treating with you, you're not secure in this relationship if you're worried about controlling what other people who have nothing to do with your life or relationship with him think.

Yes, you're being ridiculous for thinking that.  Do you want yet another fizzled relationship on your hands that went by the time table you insist upon or do you want a successful relationship that is unfolding in its own good time? Considering your track record, you might want to take a different tack so that you can bring about the kinds of results you say you want... because the route you're used to taking doesn't work for what it is you say you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 10-27-2012 - 8:03pm

I am surprised that you are being so passive about meeting his mother.  This is the man you want to marry and have children with, right?  Are you planning to never have a conversation with your mother-in-law?  Do you want to have to sit there smiling while she talks to your husband about who-knows-what?  Maybe your boyfriend woiuld be more willing to introduce you to his mother if he didn't have to look forward to hours of exercising his skills as a translator.  Be proactive, and start learning her language.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 2:42pm

geoteo wrote:
<p>I am surprised that you are being so passive about meeting his mother.  This is the man you want to marry and have children with, right?  Are you planning to never have a conversation with your mother-in-law?  Do you want to have to sit there smiling while she talks to your husband about who-knows-what?  Maybe your boyfriend woiuld be more willing to introduce you to his mother if he didn't have to look forward to hours of exercising his skills as a translator.  Be proactive, and start learning her language.</p>

I think that OP's main goal for meeting his mother is to control what his child's mother and other people think, not to begin and nurture a relationship with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 2:00pm

Hi Kendahke, you have a point. I dont really care to have such a close relationship with his mother because one, there is that language barrier and two, Im not the MOST sociable, family oriented person anyway so for me, its just to help make me feel more secure in the relationship because I feel introduction to his mother would be a sign that hes even MORE serious about me. Although we love each other, live together now, spend almost all our free time together, hang out with his kid now, etc, I feel like thats the ONE thing thats missing (for me). Then of course it doesnt help that other people make me feel crappy about not having been introduced yet too so i dont know, I dont want to feel insecure about it anymore, Im just not used to having to be so darn patient towards that.   

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