BF may be seriously mentally ill....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
BF may be seriously mentally ill....
7
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:48am
I'm not sure if anyone here can help me but I figured it was worth the try.

I've posted here before about some of the issues that he and I have had in the past and some of the current ones too. I've just never really seriously entertained the idea that something might be seriously wrong with him. The thing is that he's displayed mildly in the past a lot of the behavior that is now causing me to believe that there is a much bigger problem. I'm sure that I dismissed his behavior and kinda chalked it all up to isolated incidents and more often than not I even believed that if I were different or if I were better or something that he wouldn't be that way but in many ways I know that is not true.

The behavior I speak of is a little difficult for me to discribe as I've never experienced it before with anyone else. Nor have I seen it displayed by anyone in my presence. He and I have had our share of problems most of which have stemmed from him cheating on me in the past. He has also had a lot of problems with honesty. We broke up for about four months and got back together this past August and since then we've gotten closer in every way. I guess maybe that's why these problems are showing themselves now.

In about October he started really becoming very arguementative and edgy. He began insinuating that I may have been unfaithful to him a month into our relationship because I was getting "strange" calls during late hours. I have never been even remotely unfaithful to him and furthermore I couldn't understand why he was bringing up something that happened well over a year ago that we had never discussed before this. When we would have these discussions that he began to always bring up he would get really angry and start yelling uncontrollably. He would just ramble on abou things that were just rediculous and make insinuation after insinuation. Then he would start to cry and scream and hold his head and say things like "They" think I'm crazy, They lie etc etc. This would also take place mainly whenever I came to him and told him that I didn't like something he was doing or I confronted him about a problem of ours. If we're having a discussion and it's not going in a direction that he wants or if he can't get me to admit to something he's accusing me of. He'll again scream and yell and even throw and break things. He'll tell me to leave and then when I go to leave he'll snatch MY coat and purse from ME and scream for me to LEAVE HIM ALONE and get away from him. He'll start breaking things while screaming and crying and then say oh no look at what "they" make me do. Then I just go into another room and wait for the rage to subside and it does within only a couple of minutes. But then the strange thing is that he becomes completely normal and acts as if nothing happened. Litterally within like 2 minutes he's fine again and he'll be like " hey i'm starving lets make some dinner". It's so odd to me and it makes me so sad because during this rage he says horrible things to me and cries so hard.He's never ever hit me before or even touched me violently. I just don't know what to do and at the same time i'm not sure if it's my place to do anything at all.

I don't worry about him cheating and things like that anymore but now there's this major thing between us. I don't know if i should stick by him and try to work it out with him or even just try not to "piss him off" so we can avoid it. I do love him dearly but i need advice on whether this is somehing that's going to get better. I know that he is not really open to therapy at all. He gets upset when i even mention it because he thinks that there is nothing wrong with him and according to him he only acts this way when "people" make him act this way.He says that if i did this or didn't do that then he wouldn't get so angry. He also kinda slighly makes little sarcastic remarks about the fact that i see a psychologist. If someone who's going through this or who knows what this is about or whatever can just give me any feedback that would be really appreciated. I just need a little advice. I'll listen to what anyone has to say.

Thanks so much for reading.

Niobe

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:22am
You are absolutely correct - your boyfriend sounds mentally ill... How old is he? It could be the beginning stages of paranoid schizophrenia, or something altogether more mild and less scary, but I'm no shrink - he definitely needs to see one.

If he refuses - end it. You CANNOT help him - he MUST help himself - and if he is unwilling to do so (by seeing a professional), sticking around is like waiting for a bomb to go off.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:40am
Thanks a lot pebbles for the honest feedback. I really appreciate it. I totally agree with you although it is hard to walk away from someone you love. Especial when the person has serious problems. I want to help him but it hurts me that i really can't.

Thanks,

Niobe

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 12:42pm
Perhaps you could make an appointment with a counselor for yourself and ask him to go with you to "help" you. Since he's hinted that YOU are the one who needs help, maybe he'd be open to going if he thinks it's about you and not him. This might also be a safe place to bring up the problems you're seeing in front of the trained counselor. Then he/she can see what's going on and you'll be in a safe place.

If he refuses to go, you should get out quick. I think you should get out anyway, but if you are determined to stay until you've done all you can do, I'd suggest the above.

Best of luck to you,

Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 12:57pm
He sounds paranoid or bipolar. Is he aware of what he does after he has these outbursts?He needs the help of a doctor. Can you go to family his or yours, for help and support.

Regardless of his mental state, you can not live in a position where you are walking on eggshells and taking verbal abuse.

Maybe it is time to separate until he gets help.

Avatar for madame100
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 5:09pm
I can tell you from experience that your boyfriend DOES have a big problem here. The key point is the problem is HIS, NOT YOURS. You aren't going to save him and you'll likely spend years making yourself miserable. You need to GET OUT of the relationship until he proves he's managing his illness. I spent seven years with my ex-husband, a man who suffers from significant illness similar to your boyfriend's. If you aren't willing to leave the relationship immediately, you need to seriously examine your own mental health! Move on...there are healthy people out there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 5:58pm
I truely understand what everyone says about getting out. I guess I just don't understand how this could come upon a young, handsome, successful, funny guy like him. I know that his childhood wasn't great at all....maybe that's it.

Thanks everyone,

Niobe

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 7:39pm
If he has a chemical imbalance, anything could trigger it. Looks and age have nothing to do with him having a mental illness. I know it is difficult when you are looking for answers. Hopefully he will seek help.

Good luck.