BF may have cancer, pulling away from me
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|Tue, 05-27-2003 - 7:19pm|
My BF and I are in a long distance relationship. I am 36, never been married. He is 39, divorced (10 years ago) with twin 17 year old boys that he has sole custody of. We live two states away from each other. The last time we got to see each other was three weeks ago. The next time we will get to see each other is probably around 6/20, when he comes down to my area for business. After that, because of his crazy schedule, (one of his jobs is as a defensive coodinator football coach and training has just started, which will go into playing season - June to November), we will barely get to see each other. This has been hard enough. Now add the real clincher. BF was at the doctor's office the other day for a routine physical - a yearly requirement with his regular job. While there, the Dr. came back into the room and told him they found a high amount of blood and protein in his urine. They ran an infection panel on him, hoping it was something easily treated like a kidney or bladder infection, but it came back normal. The doctor suspects cancer and is sending him to a urologist. The urologist, because it's an HMO and my BF really has no say in the matter cannot get him in until 7/11. My BF is now having unusual pain in his back and from what I suspect, near his kidneys. I am terrified that something will happen to him before he can actually get diagnosed. Since he's found all this out, he has become very depressed and withdrawn. I know this is natural and being faced with the possibility of having cancer, he has every right to feel this way. In fact, I have gone through my own illness issues, after I was diagnosed a year or so ago with Lupus and dealt with my own issues of mortality and such. I too pulled away from the ones I loved and even went so far as trying to push away the person I was dating at the time, telling him that what kind of GF/wife could I be, when my future was so uncertain. At the time, we didn't know that I didn't have the fatal form of Lupus. Now thank God, I am doing 10 times better and only have a few symptoms. But onto my now BF who I know is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is a very prideful man's man kind of guy. He's never been sick a day in his life, save the once a year type of cold and such. His brother on the other hand, is slowly dying of kidney failure, while waiting to find a donor for him. My BF has watched his brother go downhill and become a shell of the man he once was. I know this has to be a factor for him as well thinking, "God, is that what I may end up like? I can't be with anyone. How can I support her (I pull my own weight, thank you very much), I don't want her to see me like that, needing help, etc. I have been where he is now, so I do understand what he is going through to a certain extent. My question to you is, how do I keep him from pulling away from me. Being that we are so far apart right now, this makes things harder because I can't just pop on over there and give him a good kick in the butt, or cheer him up or be a shoulder for him. We had talked about me moving up there nearer towards the end of the year, as he was worried about me coming up there when he schedule was so bad, and not being able to see me that much. On the other hand, we'd still get to see each much more than we do now and if he does turn out to be sick, I would be close to start helping out. I am not going into this lightly. I do realize what taking on a spouse or such with an illness is like, as my dad had cancer a couple of years ago. I love this man and do not want to lose him because of his pride and fear. Please help me to convince him that I am not going to love him any less because of what he may be facing and that now more than ever, we need to cleave to and be there for one another.