Bf or Best friend? HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Bf or Best friend? HELP
2
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:23pm
hey everyone-

i know i'm always on here with issues and i'm sorry. i have a question for whoever wants to answer it. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years in aug. we started as friends, and worked into a relationship. we hit a rocky patch right before our 3 yr anniversary, but we got through it. i have been feeling really down lately, just about everything. i just finished school (which i dispised), i just started a new job, and my friends are all moving on in their lives. the relationship between my bf and i have been quite tense, and i can't figure out why. i wonder if we're too comfortable with each other, and if so, have we become friends instead of bf/gf? we don't have passion, and i know thats a problem but i don't know how to fix it, and i don't know if i'm just blind. are we just friends? do we have a future? i could see myself marrying this man, but at the same time, i regret not having the chance to date around first. what if what i think is right for me, isn't and i just don't know better because i started dating him so young (age X). anyway any help you all could give me would be great. thanks again, you are all amazing to me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:48am
If you see yourself wanting to date around, then I would do that if it were me. If you didnt follow through with what you felt that you should, it could easily form into a resentment later if you did marry him, and then you could end up doing it with children in tow.

It could easily be that you are now past the infatuation phase of the relationship and have obtained comfort with each other and are in a bit of a rut. That happens. Still, I wonder where you said that you think you should go out with others. From what I gather, you are a decently young adult and because of this, I would say to GO FOR IT because its a whole lot easier to do that now, gain exposure and learn what you DO want for forever before just assuming that what you want is this guy. You change in your twenties into a totally different person by the end of it. You say that you want experience and to live and learn from your mistakes, then I think you should do it now while you dont have children who can hinder your growing process because of their needs having to come long before your wants.

Its hard to know 'what you want' if you never get the process done of finding out and learning from mistakes. Mistakes + solving them = maturity. If you are single, if you are young, and you have no other responsibilities than yourself, I would find it quite acceptable to be selfish right now. Do all of those things that you want to. Be with your friends, start up a hobby based on what you like, get exposed to society in general. I have never agreed with going from mom and dads (or a dorm) straight into marriage because I think you get cheated of your own independance. When do you do your best thinking? When you are alone. Self-reflection is a great thing and can help you to decide just who you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:20am
Once again I agree with Randa Cole. (I've been following her around here today...lol)

Get out of your relationship and date. You are miserable and not sure what to do because you are growing apart and this is something you didn't see coming. It happens a lot. Especially when there are so many life changes. You have been growing and changing and I'm sure your boyfriend has been doing the same. I imagine that deep down you want to play the field a little; see what all is out there. If you don't do it now you could regret it later. I'm guessing that if you break off your relationship you'll feel a HUGE weight lifted off your shoulders and it will feel pretty darn good. :) And since you and your boyfriend do have quite a history together and seem pretty strong I bet you could still maintain a friendship down the road. (if he's willing anyway).

You already know the answer to your questions: it seems like it's time to move on with your life and live it the way you want! Good luck to you!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi