bf pics of xw

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
bf pics of xw
11
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 1:02am
hey all just need some info. i was looking thru stuff on my bf computer and found all sorts of porn pics of his xw i take offence to this and when i talked to him about this he says they are just memories and that the pics of his xw are no different than the fully clothed pics of my xh how can i make him see the difference? i feel that the pictures are completly different am i wrong ?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 9:08am


Hmmm...well there are a number of issues here. One concerns how you feel about your bf's looking at naked pictures, period. The other involves him looking at naked pictures of the ex. And there are others.

Some women don't like their significant others to look at naked pictures at all, and porn is out of the question. If that's you, then find a guy who isn't into nudie pictures. Of his ex or anyone else. Men who like that sort of stuff, LIKE it, and it's hard for them to stop looking at it.

That said, pictures don't mean that he loves his ex or that he's cheating on you. In fact I'd be more worried about him looking at lots of CLOTHED pictures, because that could mean he's ruminating about the relationship. If she's naked, he may just be thinking about the sex. He may be thinking about it because he wants it to resume, of course. But it's likely that he's just reminiscing. Men do that. Women do too.

Honestly, I had a fair amount of very good sex before I married my husband, and though we took no pictures, if we had...well, I might like having them around once in awhile to look at in private, just to remember "the good times..." ;^) My sexual relationship with my husband is wonderful, and I would have no intention of going back to any of my exes even if I weren't married, but that doesn't mean I don't have powerful memories associated with those exes, of sex as well as other things. I had a life before my husband, and though I've been faithful to him, I do have a brain and I remember other men. I don't feel like I should have to eviscerate those memories to remain "faithful" to my husband. He certainly doesn't feel like he has to eviscerate his sexual memories either, and he has plenty of good ones too.

But that's me and my life and my reaction. It doesn't have to be yours. And it's a moot point because I don't HAVE nude pix of my ex. And if I did, and my husband saw me looking at them and was upset, I daresay I'd erase them out of respect for him.

However if a BOYFRIEND asked me to erase pictures (clothed or no) of other BOYFRIENDS, I'm not sure I would. You are NOT your boyfriend's wife. And asking him to destroy (or being upset that he doesn't want to destroy) these pictures is kind of like a girlfriend asking her boyfriend to throw away his little black book. You haven't made a permanent committment.

Still another issue is the ex--were these pictures taken with her knowledge? Does she know he has them? Did he promise to erase them and then lie and keep them?

It sounds complicated but the whole thing is probably a tempest in a teapot. If your bf isn't masturbating to these pictures every night instead of having sex with you, if he hadn't put them on his computer as his wallpaper, etc., I wouldn't stress about it. If they're just "there" on his computer and he sees them occasionally, I'd back off.

Then, if you two marry, if it's important to you you can tease him and say "I ain't marryin' ya until you erase those nudie pix of your ex!" He may ask for some nudie pictures of YOU to replace them.

But that's another issue!

Good luck!

Saucygirl

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 9:29am
Of course there's a difference, however, each person likes to see things in a way that suits them. If this is troubling and offensive to you, and makes you feel uneasy, you must let your boyfriend know that although he thinks it's fine to have these pix on his computer, it is not acceptable to you. In all relationships, partners must work together so that both feel safe and respected. Sometimes one partner has to give up something he/she thought was fine in the interests of respecting and caring for the other. That is what a relationship means. It means one has to listen to, understand and make some changes. In case he is unwilling to do this, you have to decide how important or how offensive and disturbing this is to you. If you cannot live with it, and he will not respect that fact, then you have to take a good look at the relationship itself and if you can be in it in a way that's healthy.

Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 9:48am
I totally agree with you. For him to have naked pictures of his ex is WRONG. They are completely different than pictures of your fully-clothed ex, and more than just mere "memories." Honey, if he's got them on the computer just go in there and delete them. That's what I'd do. He'll be pi$$ed, but if he can get over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 10:05am
No no no.

And no again.

If my husband went into my computer and deleted ANYTHING without asking me, I would almost consider that grounds for a separation. Mature people don't do that. They talk to each other if something bothers them. If she did this it would only demonstrate that she was controlling and immature. She would be telling him "If I don't like something of yours or something that you're doing, I'll just erase it if I can, whether YOU like it or not..." Is she going to start throwing away his mail next? Maybe she can just throw away mail from people she doesn't like...would that be okay?

This is not a message she wishes to send to her bf if she wants to have a healthy relationship with him. If she doesn't like the nude/porn pix on his computer, she has every right to talk about how it makes her feel, and to delete HERSELF from the relationship if she doesn't get the response that she wants. She does NOT have the right to DESTROY HIS PERSONAL PROPERTY.

Sorry, but this would be wrong.

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:08am
Ok. You have your opinion, and I have mine. We can both give her our advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 2:49pm
While I agree that she should not delete the pictures from his computer without his permission, I do not agree that it is okay for him to keep them. These pictures are not anonymous women that he has never and will never meet or have sexual contact with. There is a history there, an emotional connection. I doubt she would have a problem with him looking at porn. What she has a problem with is the feelings involved. It is obvious that he is not thinking about his gf while he is looking at these pictures. If he wants to reminisce, he doesn't have to have the pictures to do that. And if his gf has a problem with it, he should respect that. If he doesn't feel that he will be spending the rest of his life with this woman, he can save the pictures on a disk, lock them up somewhere, and delete them from the computer. He will still have the pictures for when his relationship ends. Unfortunately for her, it probably will soon since he is still living in the past, and doesn't respect her enough to realize that this bothers her.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:28pm


Saving the pictures on disk and deleting them from the computer is a great compromise!

I wish I'd thought of it!

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:33pm
I agree with you. I can understand her bf possibly keeping pictures of ex's in a memory box, and telling his gf what the box is. My husband has a box like this. He told me while we were dating that the box has old cards, notes and some photos of poeple from his past and that I was welcomed to look, if I wanted, but that some things may hurt my feelings, such as old love notes, etc. I choose not to look, no point in unnecessary pain. I'm not particularly thrilled about the box. However, I absolutly would not tolorate nor appriciate nude pictures or sexually explicit picture/videos of his ex's in my home, much less frequently accessed photos on the computer. It's extremely disrespectful. Of course, my husband agrees with me...he told me upfront to get rid of anything he'd find offensive, that he'd be extremely upset if he ever came across something very explicit like that. Fortunatley for my husband, I got rid of everything personal like that before we moved in together...most of the stuff I got rid of right after the relationships ened anyway...I didn't want those memories. I would question why he has photos of her on the computer...is he one of these sick people who post photos of their ex's on the internet for everyone to download? It doesn't sound good all the way around. So, she definitly has a right to be upset, if not angry, and I would seriuosly question the character of a person who would even consider doing something like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 5:33pm
So in other words you were SNOOPING through his personal & private space looking for dirt, and you found dirt. A few questions:

- How long have you been dating each other?

- Have you both agreed to exclusivity?

- Do you live together?

IMO, no one has the right to snoop in another person's personal & private space (and this includes a computer) when there is no exclusivity and/or when you are not sharing a home. Deleting files without his knowledge is the same as destruction of personal property. We all have "property rights". Would you tolerate him SNOOPING in your personal & private space, finding a vibrator and throwing it out because he doesn't like them?

Most men will not have an emotional attachment to a past GF or XW. Looking at these pictures may stimulate a visual, but not an emotional based response from him. So take out of your mind that he prefers her over you as I highly doubt that is the case.

You may not want this kind of content in YOUR home. You may not want this kind of content in a SHARED home - that is a REASONABLE request. What is not reasonable is an attempt to control what he has in HIS home in a personal & private space. If this is a deal-breaker for you, thats fine too. Just tell him very clearly that it is a deal-breaker and move on with your life without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:41am
just so u are aware of the sitaation i did stumble across the pics quite accidently at first but i felt i had a right to see what kind of relationship i was getting deeply involved in. and as far as him snooping thru my things he can anytime he so choses i do not have anything to hide and respect him enough to be truthful and honest about myself. as far as nude pics i do not believe in them or do i promote them i feel it's the real thing or nothing for me but then again i'm not a man who often has a one track mind!!!!!!

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