BF starting company and has no time 4 me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
BF starting company and has no time 4 me
4
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:31am
I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to a situation with my boyfriend (I'm 32, he's 38). We've been dating for 1 1/2 years. He quit his 9-5 job about six months ago to start his own company. On top of that, he started bartending at a restaurant in the evenings to make some extra cash. I work a 9-5 job and lately he has very little free time. I see him only about once a week, but we talk on the phone every day. I'm frustrated that he has so little time for me. It's not that he's out socializing with other people or anything -- he's working all the time.

Lately he's gotten busier. He bartends both Friday and Saturday nights which is my free time. I go out with friends but constantly get asked, "where's your boyfriend?" I'm tired of not seeing him. We don't live together and only spend 1-2 nights a week sleeping together.

Am I overreacting? I've asked him to make at least one night a week where it's just me and him as I'm feeling neglected. He says he's doing all he can do right now. I said that's not enough and so he said he'll quit his bartending job. I insisted that he not as I know he needs the money, plus he'd probably resent me for it.

This feels like a no-win situation. I miss him terribly and really care about him and I know he does for me too. I just don't know how much longer I can live with an absentee boyfriend. What's a girl to do?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 2:09pm
What about him cutting out one shift a week at the bartending job so he can spend that evening with you? Isn't that a much more realistic, workable solution than his 'all or nothing' approach?

Also, I would ask him what his plan is for transitioning out of the bartending job altogether. Is he expecting he'll need to do that for another year? 2? Indefinitely? It would make it easier for you, I would think, if you knew what his plans and projections were (i.e, when does he expect he'll be making enough with the business to let go of the 2nd job).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 2:53pm
I suggested to him that he cut back by one night at the bartending gig but the restaurant keeps scheduling him even though he requests the night off. I said that he needs to be more adamant about getting the time off as the restaurant apparently is ignoring his requests. That's why he said he'd quit the job if needed.

It seems like we're both totally frustrated with the situation. I asked him how long he thought he'd have to bartend for to make ends meet but he said he doesn't know and can't give me an answer. I know he's trying his hardest to get the company running strongly so that he won't have to bartend, but I can't ignore the fact that I'm being neglected. I'm not a needy person, but seeing my boyfriend for three hours a week does not cut it. I need and want more than that.

This is just so frustrating. Thanks for your insights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 5:37pm
Hi there,

I know how you feel. I'm going through the same problem. Well, I've been dating this guy for two months, though. Your case is different. But the basic is the same here.

My new guy had prenty of free time for me a month ago, but he's been super busy and getting stressed out at new work that he started three weeks ago. I know that he is so dedicated and just simply has to work like crazy right now. But like you say, I just miss the time we were able to spend more time and enjoy each other's company. At the same time, I don't wanna be clingy and needy. I am usually not like that like you say. But I'm just confused and don't know how to approach him right now. I respect him being busy, so...

Well, the difference bet. your situation and mine is that yous are official couple and are probably able to tell each other's needs straight out. Mine is like... Yes, it's just so frustrating since we don't really wanna be not understanding either...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 5:53pm
Though I am not in your situation I think that there is a way for you to see him and for him to keep his job.

It's not about being a needy person or not, it's about you loving a man who is dedicated and has goals, and is at this point in the begining stages of having his own business.

The first year of having a business is crutial, because you either get into the game or you lose it all.

Relationship wise it does have it's toll but here is a suggestion: try staying at his place on Friday & Saturday nights, he bartends and you go out with friends, so meeting him at his place for late night companionship is better than nothing.

Also try to be as supportive as possible without weighing down the guilt about him being too busy to have time for you. In the future if all goes well, he will be living from his business and he is going to kiss that bartending job goodbye which means more time for you and him.

It is admireable that this man is trying to get his life together and have something that will be his livelyhood, as much as you miss him, just be there for him, and be supportive, and love him. This is something in his life that will pay off great in the near future, so try your best to be apart of that.

Just hang in there girl, and when you miss him, call him, or on impulse go see him. My prayers are with you.