BF still keeps his ex as his accountant
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BF still keeps his ex as his accountant
| Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:02am |
I've been dating my Bf nearly 2 years now. We met a year after he broke up with his previous GF and they remained friends. The first time I went over to his apartment, I noticed he still had cards, little trinkets and even pictures of her and from her lying around the house. I didn't say anything at first, since we were still new and I didn't feel it was my place, although I did make some remarks now and again. He said he doesn't even notice those things and they don't mean anything. But I've always thought and I've also said to him, if they don't mean anything, why keep them on show? But by Xmas of that year, after we'd been dating about 3 mths, I'd had enough and we were having ppl over for Xmas lunch, so I said for him to put away all those things before the day, which he did. But that has always planted a seed of insecurity in me about their relationship. Then about 5 mths after we were dating, I bumped into him having lunch with her one day, and was so shocked you could have knocked me over with a feather, as he hadn't mentioned anything about it. He said she called on the spur of the moment and it wasn't a pre-planned lunch. Then it came out that she was still his accountant. It has been a contentious issue ever since, cropping it's ugly head up now and again. My problem is that a) she has access to his personal financial information (even though he only uses her for his investments) and b) the fact that they have a reason to keep in touch. I've never really been ok with them being friends, but having her as his accountant still just feels too close for comfort. I have brought this issue up with him before and his reasoning is that he'd rather use someone he knows, than someone he doesn't and that she runs her own small business and he's just helping her out. Recently it was his bday and she called over the weekend. He didn't pick up and only told me it was her that called when I asked. Then he told me he'll call her back on Monday. This triggered all my insecurities again and I've brought up the fact that she's still his accountant as an issue. Bottom line is, I know I have a problem with it, I know it may seem irrational and emotional, but I want him to change accountants. However, after so long, I also feel like, if he does it now, it's only to placate me, and not because he wants to. I've really really tried to be ok with it and with their friendship. I've even said to him I'd be ok if she asked him to dinner for his recent 40th bday, even though I was only saying that for his sake. His reaction was one of relief, like he'd been waiting for me to say something like that, so that should she ask, he'd be free to go. I guess seeing all her stuff around his place when we started dating planted a seed of insecurity that is now a forest. And it also annoys me that he didn't respect me or my feelings enough to do anything about this when he first had the chance. I feel like he'd rather let me be insecure and angry, than to hurt her feelings by taking his business elsewhere. So my question is, what the heck do I do? Thanks

Yes, it does seem irrational and emotional. Why don't you trust him? Perhaps if there is a history of cheating it would seem less irrational.....
I think he's doing the right thing staying with his ex as accountant. You see, even if he did take his stuff to a new accountant, you'd find something else to be jealous about. That's how jealousy works.
What to do? Well, there's not much you can do. Either work on your own insecurities - or - find a new boyfriend who does not stay in contact with any exes. I don't see that you have any other options.
Work on why you are so insecure. When you first talked to him about it, did you ask him to put the stuff away? Or did you just tell him it bothered you? If you weren't up front with him how did he know you wanted them put away immediately? When you did tell him to actually put them away, he did that. Don't blame him for not reading your mind.
YOU told him it would be ok if she were to invite him to dinner..... That is all on YOU, you didn't feel that way, why did you say it? Hoping he would read your mind again and say no?
He is not letting you feel insecure and angry, you are doing that all on your own. You control you and what you feel. If you are not completely honest with him, how in the heck is he supposed to know what is going on in your mind? He does not think the same way you do.
Work on your insecurity issues, be honest with him, and if you can't come to an agreement, get out.
He's not obligated to change his business associations because you are insecure. As a girlfriend, you aren't granted that level of control in his business life.
The choice is now yours. If this is a deal-breaker for you - then break up with him. It's that simple.
Geez, I'm so glad that I'm not as black and white as so many of you. And for the person that kept saying my BF isn't supposed to be a mind reader etc etc, for your information, I did express my feelings and tried not to freak out, since like I said, it was early days in our relationship. And when he didn't do anything about my concerns or just didn't get the hint, I got angry, as I think anyone would.
And as for his choice of accountant being none of my business, that's is BS. If he used anyone else, I would agree, I don't have a say in who he uses. But when she's his ex, for those of you that are on your high horse saying get over it or it's not your business, I'd like to see you being so rational when it happens to you. And for the guys, what if your GF's ex is still her gynacologist? He's just a doctor and she's comfortable with him, so what's the problem? Not so "get over it" then are you?
And as for a resolution to this issue, I just talked with my BF and while he agreed to change accountants, I also tried to be understanding and said I didn't want him to occur extra costs, which would be the case if he were to change right now. He also went in depth about the nature of the relationship, which he never really did before, which has quelled a lot of my fear and anger. So while he agreed he will look at changing his accountant, I have agreed that he doesn't have to do it until January, when it's a new year and there will be no extra costs involved.
Welcome to the baord kaileybum,
Well, he is entitled to keep who he wants as an accountant, but I personally would be uncomfortable with the fact that she called and he didn't pick up, saying he would call her back on Monday..... he won't take the call in front of you.
iv_aisha wasn't saying you'd be jealous of the new accountant, read her post again.