BF wants X fiance to move in w/us

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
BF wants X fiance to move in w/us
21
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 2:01pm
I am back on the board.. looking for advice.

My BF, after a disagreement, called his EX fiance ( who is dying to see me out of the picture) to ask her if she would stay in our apartment while I am in the hospital getting surgery for 4 days.

He said he did it out of anger,but then also claiming that he didnt want to leave the apt alone while he was away for a residency and while I was in the hospital.

We have TONS AND TONS of people who would watch our apt, but he actually CALLED her and she said yes! NOW WHAT?!? I dont want this woman in my house.. sleeping in my bed!

What should I be angry about here.. the fact he called her? the fact he is ignoring my feelings about her and her constant invasion into our relationship that has now come to the point that she will be in my home while I am in the hospital?

Advice .. PLEASE!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 5:16pm
There are several different points for you to be thinking about here. There's the issue of his ex staying in your apt. There's the issue of his ex staying in your apt. without your approval. And this is the MOST SIGNIFICANT part of this situation that I think you should be MOST concerned about: The fact that after an argument your SO would intentionally search out the way to hurt you most. Big red flag. He doesn't sound like anyone I'D want for an SO, but that's just me. Good luck, hon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 5:35pm

So, is he going to invite hie ex over after every disagreement with you, just to make you angry?


What floors me even more than his behavior is what keeps you wanting to be with someone that clearly has no respect for you. He could have anyone else to watch the apt, whatever excuse you think that is, but he choose her.And for immature reason I may add. This will always continue, will always be his low blow to you when things get rough, untill you draw the line.


If he had any respect or desire to keep the relationship, he would call his ex immediatly and tell her its a no-go, and apologize to her for using her aganst you, and to you for disrespecting you, your love and the relationship. If an apology isnt offered by him ( at the least) and somethig done to try to mend what he has broken, I would leave.


Good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 10:42pm
When I got home this evening, we had it out. I told him to call her immediately and tell her that this will not happen in no way, shape, or form.

But as everyone here has brought up.. it's not enough. I dont feel better after that phone call. It doesnt make a difference because his intentions were to hurt me, plain and simple. Will he do this again? Of course he will. Once you do something, you can't ever take it back.

As stated, this has made me think alot about things... I have done enough to make him happy... I am about to move out. *scary*

Thanks again... This board really made a difference today for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 11:15pm
oh my...I would be thoroughly p'o'd.He should have considered your feelings prior to calling the ex. That should have never happened. Especially if she wants u out of the picture.I would also be wandering what/or what could have happened while you were away at the hospital...Time for a long chat, and u should be doing most of the chatting, or should i say yelling...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:00am
Good for you. Take your pride and move out. you deserve better and the two of them deserve each other
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 7:36am
I am glad that you took the first step: making sure the ex doesn't come. I believe you're right to take the next step too: move out. Your happiness and well-being are very important. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:19am
Good for you. And if you do leave this relationship, I wish you strength and courage b/c ending a relationship is never easy, even if it's a lousy one. But you can be confident in knowing that you made a decision that will be best for you in the long run. Come back here for support if you need to. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:45am
You should be unhappy, no I mean PISSED - about this entire situation. The fact that he still maintains contact with her while in a relationship with you is disrespectful in and of itself - but then to ask her to stay at your apartment while you are in the hospital? That's ridiculous...

I would suspect that while you say that she wants you out of the picture, that he still has feelings for her that he hasn't resolved - and that's why he maintains contact with her and vice versa. If it were truly over between them - then the TONS and TONS of people that you two know would be asked to watch your apartment.

At this point - which I can't believe that you haven't done so far - is to tell him that under no circumstances will she ever stay at your apartment. Tell me that you have made other arrangements and that you don't need her. Explain to him how hurt, disrespected you feel as a result of his actions. Flip the script and ask him how would he feel if it were you asking your ex to stay at your apartment - perhaps he will change his tune then.

I wish you luck with your surgery and this situation...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 1:11pm
Hi Missyfooty,

congrats for putting your foot down. I guess by now Mr. boyfriend realized that he cannot have his way. It seems to me that for the next few days you should do some serious thinking, but you should also have your welfare as a priority. have your surgery, recover, and get well. *Then*, decide whether and when to move out. The bottomline is, relationhips have their ups and downs; everybody screws up, and, if it is only occasional, everyone desevres a second, maybe third chance. But if the relationship is making you unhappy and frustraded most of the time, and your BF refuses to deal with issues and problems, then the time has come to call it quits, IMHO.

I hope you have relatives and friends to support you during that time, coz your BF sure ain't supportive...

Hugs!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:58am
This must be incredibly painful for you and to top it off you have to go to hospital to have surgery! That's daunting enough! I'd tell both of them to stay out of the apartment, they deserve each other!!!

Louise