BF wont touch me cuz of my sexual past

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
BF wont touch me cuz of my sexual past
8
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:09am
Me and my BF have been together for a year and I was his first partner and ive only had 2, but 1 of the guys ive slept with he used to know. well when ever I mention this guys name or he hears me mention it to someone else he gets very upset, even though I dont say anything about having sex with him, or if we talk about past relationships, because I want him to know about it, he tells me not to say anything about me having sex with someone else. My BF says it eats at him and he cant touch me or have sex with me for weeks, I always tell him that I regret the past but theres nothing I can do so we need to move on, but nothing will work. We always try talking about it but it dosent help at all. I feel like ive tried everything to help him move on and forget about it, im so fusturated because i want to help him and nothings working. If anyone out there has any advice or suggestions i would really appreciate it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 5:03am
Okay, clearly your bf has some issues with self-esteem and all, but why on Earth would you want to keep this alive by bringing up the other guy's name?

You said, "I always tell him that I regret the past but theres nothing I can do so we need to move on" but nearly as I can tell *you* are the one who is keeping this from happening. Why do you feel the need to discuss this other person? Why does his name come up in conversation? Why are you not more sensitive to your boyfriend's feelings on this matter?

"I feel like ive tried everything to help him move on and forget about it"

Not so. Everytime you mention this other guy, you are messing with your boyfriend's emotions. This is destructive behavior on *your* part and you need to look inside yourself to find out why you are doing it.

Frankly, I think it is *you* who is having trouble moving on. You have a current boyfriend but are going out of your way to keep your previous lover alive. This could be indicatative of self-esteem issues on your part or an unhealthy desire to hurt your boyfriend. Perhaps you really wish you were still with the other guy.

Or, perhaps you are just a mean little ...

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:22am

You did nothing wrong by having sex before you met your boyfriend. You did not cheat on him. Also, it's not necessary for you to discuss your past with him, or for him to know details about it. In fact, this is a mistake in this case. Beyond this, his reaction to the fact that you had sex with someone else is His problem, not yours. Obviously, he has issues regarding jealousy and sexuality in general. The fact that he can't get past it indicates that he needs professional help in working this out and understanding what it means in his life. There is nothing you can do to make it better, as you did nothing to cause his problem. If he takes it out on you, makes you feel badly about it, won't touch you for weeks, etc., then His problem is becoming yours. This is causing you pain and also feelings of unworthiness. Before you continue in this relationship, let him know that this is a problem that he needs to work on. If he is unwilling to do so, you probably should think twice about a future with him.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:32am
I'm just wondering if maybe he's using your past as an excuse for his behavior, or to draw attention away from what he may be doing. Let's face it, people like to have sex more often than every few weeks. It sounds fishy to me. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:36am

The problem does not lie within you, but him. For whatever reason, he cant deal with anyones past, as though he feels the needs to be you past, present

 

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:49am
I'd move on. Who needs this kind of grief? There are plenty of men in the world. Why waste your time with a child how can't handle the fact that you had sex with someone before him.

The past is the past. There is nothing to be ashamed of. So you had sex with a couple guys before you met your boyfriend. Big deal. If your boyfriend is too insecure or whatever to be with a woman who has had sex with someone besides him, then he needs to date a virgin. It is totally unfair of him to punish you for things you did before you and he were dating.

I'd leave this guy behind and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:57pm
From the title of your post I automatically assumed you had some CRAZY sexual past that anyone would have a hard time getting past!!!! But you've been with 2 other people?! There is DEFINITELY something going on with him, that has nothing to do with you, so you should stop beating yourself up and letting him hurt you emotionally - what could he possibly get out of making you upset and sorry constantly. Don't be sorry!!!! (but also, you shouldn't mention this guy's name around your SO, I would find that hurtful as well - though NO trigger for such ludacris actions).

 

Tiffany

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:24am
Excuse me everyone, but as I read the original post, it seems to me that the bf is okay with the past (begin italics) so long as she doesn't keep dredging it up by mentioning the other guy in conversation (end italics).

I would say that most of us guys, and most of you women out there, would feel the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 7:01am
I totally agree with jackson2354. When my dh talks about his ex, it's not that he's had a past or whatever that upsets me. It's the frequency with which he does it, who he's talking to when he does it, what the content is, etc. I RARELY even mention my ex's name - usually when I do, it's to point out to my dh how little I talk about ex, so that he might not talk about his ex so much (my situation is probably a little different, as my dh and his ex are still friends, and talk on the phone about once per month - so she's still a part of his life - my solution for my dh was that she was either a friend or an ex, he needed to pick). My point was that her boyfriend might be insecure about that relationship (not the sex, but the emotional relationship) and he might start to wonder if she's over him. This might not be about the sex at all - but the relationship.