BFs golf addiction
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| Wed, 06-20-2007 - 11:07am |
Ladies,
You are always great at giving advice and being honest. I'll try to keep this short.
My bf has a passion for golf. The best way to describe his work is an independent contractor. B/c of this he is able to spend many days on the golf course. He belongs to a club, plays small matches for money, and enters tournaments. He is a good golfer.
My family has deemed me a golf widower. There are times he misses my family events b/c of golf. He missed my cousins graduation party b/c of a tournament, he missed my friends baby's christening b/c he wanted to play golf plus some other events. For a year and a half i have tried to be understanding. now it's his club championship. last year i was in a wedding and b/c of the tournament he only came to the reception. unfortunately this year we have my cousin's wedding 4 hours away so its either golf or my family wedding.
b/c this is my extended family wedding he does not see the importance of it other than to be there with me. he also does not see his golf as an addiciton.
i've asked him when has he missed a tournament or choosen me over a tournament and he said he hasn't missed any and has not had to choose (this is true b/c i never made him choose and accepted his choice to play golf) i told him just once i want him to pick me over golf. i told him how can he pick golf over a person- a person who loves him, someone with feelings, someone who supports him...how is golf more important then that???
to his defense he said he wants to be with me and he was looking forward to this wedding but it's his club championship. he doens't see anything wrong choosing golf.
i've explained to him that i'd be upset if he chooses golf, my parents would be upset and they say this is how your life will be, his mom even said he'd choose golf over the wedding. She also said I have to start putting my foot down. In telling him our parents feelings he thinks maybe he is wrong (he doesn't know). i don't know what his choice will be.
I'm one intersted in your feedback on this situation and on our relationship and two interested in you advice on how to help him with this addiction. Can i help him?
Thanks for reading.

Edited 6/20/2007 4:18 pm ET by ciao__gina
Do you have the right to put your foot down? Hasn't he always played golf over anything else? I think what you need to do is make a decision whether he is the man for you. Will he play golf over being there for you and children in the future? Do not make the mistake of many women and assume he would because he may not and then you have brought children into this mix.
I would let him know that you have decided not to pressure him in regards to the golf and inform him that you will be making a decision on whether or not the golf fits into what you want from a man. Don't make the man stop doing what he loves because it will only backfire on you. Make the choice that is right for you.
Frani
you want him to change into the husband you want. he never will.
i don't even think it is fair to refer to his golfing as an addiction. it is only an addiction - to you - because of your views about it. it is not an addiction to him, but an important outlet for him; for exercise, being in nature, fostering business relationships, stress relief, keeping up friendships, etc. etc.
no, it is not an addiction nor is it unhealthy, except in your view in how it affects your relationship.
a better solution is maybe for you to start taking classes at a jr college so you can share his passion with him. don't try and change him, just try and get him to do the things with you that you think are really important. communicate why it is important, for you, for him to do those certain events with you. if he is a good man, he will do those things with you. if not, sorry you find yourself with a boy. JMHO.
It sounds like apart from the golf being important to him, he also doesn't see the events of friends and family as being as important as you do. I think a lot of guys just care less about things like wedding and baby christenings than girls do. I know my boyfriend is that way. If it really matters a lot to you to have him at those events, then you need to explain that to him. The two of you should try to compromise on that.
As for this wedding, how often does he have a championship like this? If this is the sort of event, that only happens once a year, I think you should let him go to it. If you want him to be understanding of when things are very important to you, then you need to try to be understanding of things that are of importance to him. Golf is always going to be a high priority to him. I mean I can definitely understand if it's an event that happens every week, expecting him to be able to take off every now and again. But if it's a once a year, I don't think he should have to give it up for a wedding of somebody he's not that close to.