Bf's mentally unstable ex gf

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Bf's mentally unstable ex gf
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:16pm

I really need good advise from anybody who think they will be able to help me. I am at a point where I am getting desperate.

I love my bf very very much.. we've been together for 4 months..but we have a huge problem and he is not dealing with it at all.. and I think in time it will cause us to split up if I don't try to do something. I don't want to use drastic measures like the police.. I just want to resolve it peacefully.

My bf had a friend who he knew for about a year or so.. this was little more than a year ago.. after a few months she "forced" him into a relationship with him.. that's how he put it. She came out of a very unstable home and suffers from depression and is on anti-depressants on a daily basis and she gets panic attacks. She built her whole life around him, cause she didn't have any support system from either friends or family.. was abused as a child etc. He was and still is everything she has. She has tried to commit suicide several times in the past every time he tried to leave her, she would call him and tell him she is going to take an overdose pills and he had to rush her to hospital to get her stomach pumped.. or she tried to slash her wrists. This emotional torture went on for months. She lost her job, ran out of money and stayed with him for a while.. he had to pay for her medication cause she kept drinking way too much of it to help her cope and eventually ran out of pills. He decided that he is going to leave her, even if she tries to do something stupid again.. he couldn't handle it anymore. But the problem is, that eventhough they broke up more than a year ago, she still calls him about 6 times a day, and when she is lonely about twice as many times.. about every hour.. It drives me crazy.. he told me that he told her about me and that she tried to slash her wrists again, but I asked him the same question again, cause every time she would phone, he would talk to her in another room and not in front of me, and he admitted that he only told her that he met someone, and nothing else.. not that he had a serious gf or anything. He tells me that he has NO feelings for her. I am soooo scared.. what if she tries to harm him if he tells her about me.. or even harm me.. if the thought of her losing him gets too much and she doesn't want to "share" him.. I am really scared. I don't know what she is capable of. What can he do to "get rid" of her? I can't cope with this anymore. She is destroying our relationship.. please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:32pm
Look, your boyfriend wasn't "forced" into a relationship outside of his will. I mean, obviously he broke up with her to be with you - and that certainly was agianst her wishes.

IF this girl is truly suicidal or need to get some intervention for her. If she has no family or friends that truly are concerned about her well-being and safety - realize that her hanging onto some false reality that her boyfriend is returning to her at some point is unhealthy and dangerous for her and everybody else involved.

So, get to the MHMR, or to a mental health facility and get them to intervene, the next time she comes around - by callling the cops, pressing whatever charges you can, so taht they can be called to examine her while she's incarcerated pre-bail and is acting like a lunatic.

And if your boyfriend disagrees with that approach, realize he's not stable, emotionally healthy or mature and that is why he was with her and he got with you in order for you to deal with her, because he doesn't do confrontation, he's not self-respecting or responsible - and he's egging her on if nothinig else by not telling her flat out the relationship is over.

This final statement will be unpopular but it is irreversibly true. Dysfunctional people attract dysfunctional people. If she's dysfunctional - they were attracted to and with one another becuase he's also dysfunctional. If he's attracted to you and you to go on with the equation and you're to some degree dysfunctionally reasoning and thinking at this itme in your life, as well.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:37pm

He can do a lot to get rid of her--but he won't be able to bring himself to do anything until he realizes her problems are not his, and that he is not responsible for her behavior. If she's calling him and he's taking the calls and talking to her, I would guess there's a serious codependency issue to be dealt with.

Healthy people aren't "forced" into relationships with irrational, suicidal, mentally unbalanced, panic-ridden manic depressives. Healthy people avoid such individuals like the plague. If a "healthy" person is duped into such a relationship that person doesn't rationalize why they got involved and exonerate themselves of responsibility. In other words, the problem isn't your boyfriend's ex. It's your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend can do a lot to get rid of her, but getting rid of her is going to have to begin with him figuring out why he got involved with her to begin with and why he tolerates her behavior.

Unfortunately, you can't do a thing, except suggest he get couseling and back away.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:42pm
First realize that you do not need this in your life. You have a choice and so does your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is not helping her by aiding to her every need. This is not your problem nor his. The best thing he can do for her is get her help and cut her off completely. Change your phone number both home and cell if you have to - even talk to work and have that number changed so she can't get a hold of him. If your boyfriend really thinks something terrible will happen maybe he can go to a few counseling sessions with her. Prior to going explain to the therapist why he is attending, his intentions of getting this girl help but getting out of her life. After a few sessions maybe he shouldn't show up. But at least the therapist will be there to calm her feelings and she will be getting the help she needs. In order for your boyfriend and you to grow he needs to be concerned with your relationship and not the x-girlfriends problems. He has put enough of his life on hold for her.

Understand this will be hard for him and you will need to be there for him for support and tell him that. I had a boyfriend a few years back who had a serious problem. We broke up and I wanted to still be there for him. His problem was to much for me to handle. Finally after a few months I told his mom what was going on and broke all ties with him. He was very mad at me but getting the help he needed. He would call me and yell at me or write me an email and so on. I loved this guy but was hurting him more by not saying something. I needed to be strong for him and for me and I needed to move on with my life. A few months later he came to me and apologized for everything and today we are very good friends. He can confide in me anything and I do support him.

The one thing you can't control is your boyfriend and the actions he takes. Tell him how you feel, give him some solutions and tell him you are there to support him. But utimately it's his choice the actions he chooses in this and it's your choice if you stay. If he chooses keep things the way they are then you have the choice to leave. It's better you realize this now after 4 months than after 4 years.

I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 9:59pm
Somehow I seriously doubt that your bf is telling you the truth about this girl. Have you ever met her? Have you ever answered the phone when she called? In my honest opinion, she may have some emotional problems, but probably nothing near what your bf is letting on. It sounds more like he is still leading this woman to believe that she has a chance to be with him, or he may still be with her on the side. To you, he is making it seem like he is just trying to help a troubled soul, but why would he be afraid to talk to her in front of you? You aren't the unstable one, right? He is telling you all these things about her to 1)keep you from questioning his intentions, and 2)make you fear for your safety to keep you from coming in contact with her. That way he will never have the two of you in the same room together, and you will never know for sure what kind of relationship they really have. If your bf is not ashamed to have moved on then there should be no reason why you can't meet this woman face-to-face and draw your own conclusions about her mental status. He should have enough respect for you to introduce you to her, and put an end to the one-sided relationship he has with her. After all, if he is telling you the truth, and they broke up a year ago, then the only relationship that they have now is one of friendship.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:24am
First of all, there's nothing that YOU can do. Your bf needs to be a man and step up to the plate. He needs to stop talking to her. He needs to cut off contact with her.

She may have come from a horrible childhood, be on antidepressants, and suffer from panic attacks. So what? That doesn't make her unaccountable for her actions. LOTS of people take antidepressants. I did for a long time. I also had panic disorder and took Xanax for it. Panic attacks suck royally, but they don't make you act like a lunatic.

Your bf needs to decide who's more important: her or you. If it's her, then he needs to leave you so you can find someone who deserves you. If it's you, then he needs to cut ties with her. Change the phone number she's always calling. And make it unlisted so she can't find it.

Good luck.