big red flag????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
big red flag????
4
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 12:06pm

i started dating my current boyfriend about three months ago. things have been great, he goes out of his way to make me happy, he's genuine, loving... however...

i'm very concerned about his relationship with his mother. she's divorced and alone so she calls him several times a day because i guess she has no one else around to talk to and ask for help. from what i gather she's always keeping tabs on his schedule to see when he'll be available to help her out with a project. and, worse of all, he gives her money like she's his kid and pays for things that should be her responsibility. she has a college degree, real skills, however she doesn't work. why,i have no idea. the first time i met her this weekend she looked like she could function just fine with two working arms and two working legs. he works long hours and sometimes i wonder if he does that because he has to pay "alimony" to his mother.

but my boyfriend makes excuses for her, like she hurt her back two years ago, she has to take care of his very old grandfather, she has "issues." i feel like she takes advantage of him and he's her enabler. i'm close to my parents, but we do not talk a few times a day and they do not ask me for money. he even told me that he gave her a $1000 loan to pay for car repairs months ago and he has yet to see a dime of it back.

i once asked him if he ever told her that it might be a good idea for her to date again and he said no way, if he and the rest of the family ever suggested that she'd go nuts because she doesn't want to remarry.

(i feel like the only person she would marry is her son!!! ;-) )

i feel like this is getting to be one of those "seeing the writing on the wall" instances where if we did continue dating and eventually married, let's say, that she would be this constant presence demanding money of us, and i'll be damned if i'm going to take food out of my mouth or my children's to feed her when she's capable of working. i mean, imagine if we had kids who needed clothes and stuff and this woman kept hounding him for money and he wouldn't tell her to stop shaking him down and get a job which he has yet to to? when i get married i hope to not only support my kids but also take vacations and enjoy life, not hand over my extra cash to a lazy person i resent.

anyway, the idea of me ever helping him support her is soooo not happening. some people may think, well, she's family and family has to help family but in this case i'd disagree. i'm an independent woman who owns my own place, has a great job and comes from a family that believes in working for what you have, not using your own flesh and blood for money. i didn't go to college and bust my a** to get tangled up in this sort of disaster.

obviously he and i are no where near talking about getting married yet, but there's a part of me that doesn't want to hang around watching this mess acting like it's all okay and normal.

i've been wondering if the truth is just that he's a momma's boy and this isn't going to change.

aside from that however, he treats me like gold and if it weren't for his mother i'd have no issues at all with him. i just don't want to destroy my life in the process and end up with financial problems because of this woman and the fact that he can't put his foot down with her.

is this a big red flag waving in the wind that means it's time to get out of this? is it possible save this? i think he's a reasonable man who i can talk to, but i think he's also manipulated by her and he doesn't realize it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: fran1975
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 12:26pm

Welcome to the board fran1975,


I can't say if this is a red flag or not. This is definitely an unhealthy relationship for him in my opinion though. It almost seems like his mom is using him. Of course, since you don't know her she could have a mental illness or something that prohibits her from working.


I think you should ask him if you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: fran1975
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 12:38pm

Yes, with your view, it is definitely a big red flag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: fran1975
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 12:56pm

Welcome to the board fran1975,


He's made a choice to have this kind of relationship with his mother and they both like it this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
In reply to: fran1975
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 1:31pm

thanks for everyone's responses. cl-itwinflame, i never thought of it that way, that--

He's made a choice to have this kind of relationship with his mother and they both like it this way.

it's true. people treat us the way we let them, and vice versa. he gets some pay off, and she's pefectly happy accepting money from her own child.

to the previous poster, i don't mean to sound severe and uncompromising, it's just that i do not believe this woman is being helped by quite possibly receiving "welfare" from her son in this way. honestly, i don't know what kind of compromise there can be other than asking him one day how he feels about boundaries and if he can stick to them for the sake of his marriage and children.

it's so unhealthy. parents should want to see their children do well, not suck the lifeblood out of them so they become emotionally dependent on them too. i believe that when you marry, you role is to be there for your spouse and care for your children. if his mother is also in a nursing home and needs to be watched/visited every week to make sure she's comfortable, that's one thing, but it's a whole other ballgame if she just doesn't want to work and expects her son to support her so she can avoid the work it takes to improve her life. it's easier to take handouts than to say, hey, i have only a few decades left on this earth, let's fix up my life and enjoy these years.