Biological clocks aren't in sync
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Biological clocks aren't in sync
| Sat, 03-13-2004 - 3:52pm |
Hey guys, this one's a doosy. My husband and I have always agreed that we would have kids... "someday, a little while after the wedding." We agreed to wait for us to catch our married folk grove before taking the next plunge. Now it's 3 years later, I'm ready to start "trying" and he's still back there saying not yet, but soon. He has dragged his feet, kicking and screeming into grown-up life;(I was 16 and he was 21 when we started dating)it took him 5 years to move in together, another 1 to propose, another 2 to get married... you get the idea. I have tried to do the deep, relationship-state-of-the-union talk, to no avail. He's so much as agreed that it's time, but the next time that we make love, he won't "deposit in the bank" so to speak. I ask him about it and he reverts to not being ready again. Talk about cold feet. Everytime I'm late for my period, he's excited, everytime it comes he's relieved. I KNOW there are less mature ways of making him get me pregnant, but I want us to both enter this decision whole heartedly. How can I ease him into being ready, 100%? Am I being too impatient? Too pushy? Am I the only one to experience this fishy behavior?

Carrie
I'm in the same boat as you it seems. My husband and I both always said we wanted kids and now we've been married for over 4 years and I think it's time to start with the family planning. I'm 33 and he's 37 so we need to get cracking and I get a look of fear on his face whenever it's brought up. Kinda like he's not ready to give up his selfish ways and think of another (which is why we are in counseling since it expands to other things! yeesh!)
I wish I had some advice for you, but we are going to marriage counseling for other issues and I'll advise if I get any good advice from the counselor.
Just thought I'd let you know you were not alone. Good luck!
See, what you've failed to realize is up to now you've been offering enticements...to get him to "play adult".
I'm 16 you're 21.......he was 16 years old in maturity - which is why you two clicked back then. It took 5 years to ask you to move in...well, you were only 21 then - he didnt want to move in,deprive you of college education and he certainly wasn't going to pay for it himself - which your parents had you lived together while getting your education.
You've been married now about 3 years..meaning you're somewhere around 25 or 26 probably....and he's 32 or 33...and now you're wanting babies.
See the difference - before he was able to avoid obligation, commitment and responsiblity to doing it his way nd you offered enticements and options to get hiim to do it yours - regular sex, someone to share the bills, someone to ease his life and makeit more convenient and comfortable so okay,in exchange - I'll get the "marital status" of an adult.
But, unless he's completely financially stable, done all the things he wants to do as a young adult and is ready to begin the sacrifice, expendure, effort, and work of parenthood without regret or remorse or anger basd on "all he's missing out on" - you can't entice him to WANT obligation, commitment, responsibility, compromise, concession and requirement.
Before you were offering him "ease, comfort, benefits, options, opportunities, convenience, and support" in exchange for him "upgrading to adult status". But he's never changed the values, priorities, boundaries, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it to that of a mature, responsible, goal oriented, focused, and self-aware adult.
So you're having a much harder time getting him to agree to this...there are no perks in it for him...and really, there aren't for you or the baby either.
To have a child at this point...envision yourself doing most of the work, effort, sacrifices, and forgoing your options and opportunities - while the daily life he lives right now - he still lives. Going out with friends whenever he wants, taking mini-vacations on his motorcycle or fishing with his buddies on long weekends. Not concerning himself with promotions, raises, future advancement or security - picture him being just as he is, doing pretty much what he does now...but you're holding a job, raising the child, taking all the responsiblities of that involved on your sholuders, paying the bills, and nobody is there is to be supportive, giving, nurturing, or loving to you...which is greatly going to impact how much you "enjoy being a mother" and how good of a mother you are.
Lots of people make the mistake "aisle/altar/hymn" and interpret it as "I'll alter him" - you won't.
People's values justify their actions. He holds the same values he did the day you met - he's just gotten older, and more responsiblities to meet as a result of aligning with you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
To address some details... When we met, it's true that I was 16 and he was 21, both of us still at home. (Him-college me-high school) When I was 17-21ish I lived on my own, due to family circumstances out of my control. I graduated HS early and worked 2 jobs to pay my rent and bills, so I grew up very quickly in that time, he however did not change his status, he was working but did not have any financial (or otherwise) responsibilites as he was at home, rent free.(I supported myself 100%) His mom did EVERYTHING for him until she became to ill and eventually passed away. (he was 26 by the time his father sold the house and he was pushed into getting his own place, with me giving up mine and helping HIM) We have, during our entire time together, been "home bodies." Even before we lived together, we just did our laundry together, cooked, regular home stuff. We do have friends, but see them only a few times a month, uasually each of us will have "me time" away from the house and each other about once a week, some times not even. (We both 'played hard' during a short period of our young adulthood, but have been out of that stage for many years.) Vacations are at home, we take day trips and visit family, Take walks and have picnics. Now we are 28 and 32. Still talking about "the next step" but very content where we are. I've been getting frustrated with his agreeance to move forward, but not actually doing so. (I can't do this one by myself!) After he initated our talk this week, he threw me a curve... he basically had me look into the mirror and see what I was doing. He helped me realize that I've been wishy washy too... throwing him just as many mixed signals as he was! We hashed everything out, and we are, at last, on the same page. Prayers ARE answered. Even if we are unable to conceive, I'm glad that through this experience we learned to look at ourselves and see how our own communication (or lack of!) affects the other, and how to TALK and LISTEN rather than NAG and PERCEIVE. No, we are not perfect, but are making progress. As long as we keep in mind what the other is receiving, I feel that we will always progress as partners. Having a fantastic partnership is the cornerstone of good parenting, anyway so we are doing all the hard work in advance. Thank you for your thoughts, they are appreciated.
JC