blame game
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| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:49am |
I just read an article here on communication and it made me realize that when my husband and I argue, he blames me for our problems and I end up feeling stupid, inadequate, and very small. I don't know what to say in response to him so then he accuses me of not caring at all because I get very quiet and start thinking about how to end the argument.
We've been married for 8 years and have never really learned good communication skills. Most of the time, we muddle through. I considered leaving him after our second year of marriage because he was deep into an emotional affair with another woman for about a year. We went to counseling together for about 4 months, he ended the relationship, and I continued counseling on my own for another year. Our relationship is stronger and I trust him again, but I don't know if I've let myself feel the same way about him as I did before the betrayal. I was almost destroyed by the pain and I think I may have buried my deep love feelings about him so I never get hurt again.
We got into another fight (at work on the phone) today. I'm gathering information for our tax advisor and I called to ask him a question about one of our mortgages (we own multiple properties with multiple mortgages) after I had talked to the mortgage company. We thought we had paid off this company when we refinanced the house, but apparently the payoff amount wasn't enough and we had been charged a $300 finance charge. When the bill came in, I didn't review it carefully and I didn't realize we still owed them any money. He became angry and told me I need to pay more attention to detail and that I need to carefully analyze each bill when we receive it. Then he complained that he's doing everything to save money and I just wasted that money by not checking the bill. He also said he had to kick me in the butt to get our tax stuff together for the accountant (even though I had pulled a lot of that together before he helped me this past weekend). He complained that I don't do anything to help him manage our rental properties and also that I didn't search for additional receipts to give to the accountant.
I feel that I'm not allowed to make mistakes ever. Several years ago, he was laid off from his job and he should have collected unemployment (this was right after he broke off contact with the other woman), but he couldn't bring himself to file the paperwork. He was entitled to about $2,000 but we never received it because he was too depressed and too embarrased to file for unemployment. I let it go because he was depressed over losing his job and because he had broken off contact with that woman. I wanted to save our marriage so I didn't complain about it. I brought it up a couple of times that year and then dropped it after he found a new job. He knowingly tossed that money away and yet he hammers me all the time about wasting money.
What do I say when he's on his tirade? How do I respond to this? I also am very uncomfortable arguing at work so how can I stop the fight and ask to talk about it later? I've tried this approach and he gets mad that I don't want to talk about it at that moment. Even if I agree that he's right and I'm stupid for what I did, it doesn't stop the fight. I am backed into a corner and I have no idea how to respond.
After fighting at work, I'm an emotional wreck, which is why I'm here now. I can't concentrate and I just want to run to the bathroom to hide and cry in peace. I need help.

Welcome to the board angelynn,
It really wears down your self-esteem when someone always blames you.
I am glad cl-itwinflame posted the ten rules for fighting fair for you. I think it will really help you out in your situation. I also think marriage counseling sounds like a good idea.
You need to learn to defend yourself to your husband. Don't let him belittle you or make your belittle yourself. You are doing everything you can and trying very hard and it isn't fair for him to make you feel bad about everything. When he tells you that you aren't doing things to help, point out to him the things that you are doing.
If he starts to fight with you at work again, then tell him you will not fight with him at work and you will discuss the matter when you get home. If he keeps going than tell him again you won't fight at work and you will talk to him later and say goodbye and hang up the phone. It may make him bad, but you are risking your job by fighting with him and work.
I hope you figure out a way to work things out.
glitter-graphics.com
I'm glad cl-itwinflame posted them too. I'll re-read them and commit them to memory. I don't think he will go back to counseling and it really was expensive for me to continue without him, but I desperately needed it at that time. I'll start with reading those books (I read the gentle art of verbal self defense for a college class-who knew I'd need it again!)
I usually do point out what I'm doing when he points out what I'm not doing, but somehow I feel that I'm just trying to prove I'm right and he's wrong. I do so many "little" things (like the laundry, grocery shopping, making sure the dog and cat have food, taking out the recyling/trash, cleaning the house, keeping track of our finances the best way I can, reminding him about his relative's birthdays, making dinner, loading the dishwasher, etc.) but he feels like it doesn't measure up to his "big" chores and as a wife it's what I'm "supposed" to be doing (because his divorced mom does all of this). Oh, and I work full-time and get up at 5:30am to get to work by 7:30 while he sleeps in until I wake him up at 6:15 (we carpool). At the end of the day, I'm tired too but I get to make dinner (or beg that we go out) while he naps on the couch and then wash all the dishes when we're done.
Right now, I do understand he's stressed because he's working a second job this month to help a friend out with his office move. He worked until midnight last night and won't be home until late tonight too. I'm sure he thinks I parked my butt on the sofa last night, but I relayed calls between him and our tax man and I looked for some documentation for our taxes. I also went through all the papers stacked on our kitchen counter and took care of filing or tossing everything.
With his working late, we can't even talk about this later because I don't want to discuss this at midnight. I just want to neutralize an argument at work and discuss it later, but he won't let me. I also admit that I don't like conflict and I probably wouldn't bring this up again. However, I don't know what's left for me to say on this topic. Yes, I messed up and we have been charged a finance charge. I'll review our bills a little more carefully next time (which I have been getting better at doing, but I missed this one). I just can't make anything I say right with my husband.
glitter-graphics.com