Blindsided and not sure what to do next
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 3:01pm |
My husband and I have been in a loving supportive relationship for almost 20 years, our 15th anniversay is in three weeks which we have planned a big trip away. We have a relationship that has been open, trusting, loving and fun. Last night my husband told me that he made the biggest mistake of his life last Thursday and when too far. A co-worker, (who I guessed right away because my husband shares everything with me up to this point) had been going out with friends socially and recently it got to be more with one of the girls in the group. He made plans to go to dinner with her, lied to me about who he was with that night and they ended up kissing. He was so consumed with guilt and also the fact that the women told her husband which I believe had impact on him, that he had to tell me. He told me he has tried to have good morals all his live, loves me, doesn't want to loose what we have, and realised that his actions put two families in jeapody which he cannot believe he let happen... We have a passionate relationship and enjoy raising our children and being good friends. We are both independant and very supportive of eachother's needs and interests even though not all of them are the same. He told me he just had an urge, was feeling "why can't I have more" (which blows me away), and that he is getting older and it's freaking him out. I knew this part because we has been talking alot about this. I seem to go though worrying about getting old when I was 38. At 41 he's got every classic sign, including this biggy, a man in mid life crisis (self absorbed, cranky, worried about his physical shape, bought a new car which was planned, and ya the fact, the reality his equipment does not always function as he would like which I never put him down for). No wonder!
The women has marrital problems and he wanted to help her as they had been friends and it just went too far. We agreed that a new person brings excitement and newness to life, but at a heavy price. I dance socially as a hobby and he has never fully trusted this environment. He supports me in this because he know I love to dance and compete, but it sometime puts strain on the relationship.
He realises how stupid it was and said it was not more then friends with a crush, he said he does not love her. I know it scared the hell out of him (and me too). after a hour of talking, me asking for space and crying on the couch for hours and sritting a letter with my feelings. I joined him in our bed where he held me for the remainder of the night, cried and told me he was sorry and that he loved me. He woke up in the morning read the note that included some requests 1)end any relationship with the girl, work to fix things with me, and look into what made him do it and come to terms with himself so we can move on. I told him to do these things and I would work hard to be understanding, forgiving and work harder on our relationship because as much as he says, it was not about our relationship or me just about him (which I express yes, you be self centered, selfish, foolish and disrespectful or me and our relationship. I expressed my feelings again and told him I wanted to deal with this and move on. He came up and said thank you and that he loved me.
The big question is NOW WHAT!!! I don't know what to do and how to act around him. Do I suggest therapy (which he will be totally against) or talk things out ourselves and move on. Was this just a BIG warning to the both of us that we can turn into a positive??
I'm crushed, heartbroken and furious he was so weak and selfish.

Or does he belive that what he did was wrong?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think that a counselor can help you two fix things easier and faster than trying it own your own. The counselor is there to give ideas, be a mediator but won't judge him or you.
Please discuss going to one with him.
If he does refuse or you two don't have resources for a counselor, I would go online to amazon.com and type in affair into the type of book you want. There are lots and lots of books on how to cope with a spouse who has cheated or has been tempted to cheat. They offer lots of advice and should help you both work past this.
I would take it as a wakeup call and even though it hurts now that he kissed this other woman, at least he was honest and he didn't let things get too far. Just remember it could be worse!
Also sometimes it is hard to end a friendship with the new exciting person... he may have a weak moment where he wants to call her or she may have a weak moment and try to contact him. I would discuss this with him. Tell him you will not tolerate any contact between him and this other woman. Even though it seems like treating him like a child, he needs to be able to be contacted at any time, and have a real alibi whenever he is away from the house.
I am a little confused... is she a coworker of his?? if so, he may want to find a new job because it is going to be hard to avoid that temptation.
If she is just a friend of a friend, then I would set boundaries and rules until you can trust him again. He won't go out anymore, etc. He needs to do whatever it takes to earn back your trust.
Reading material to consider:
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms
Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris
Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore
http://www.retrouvaille.org/home.htm
www.marriagebuilders.com
Edited 10/19/2004 3:42 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie