Bored with husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Bored with husband
7
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 9:49pm
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have a 4 year old daughter. I cannot escape the feeling that he is not the one for me and that no matter how many "Save your Marriage" or "Make your Marriage Sizzle" articles that I read, I still can't feel any real passion for him. If we did not have a child, I most likely would have left him by now. It makes me sad, because I do care for him as a person and as the father of my daughter. I am starting a business, and expanding my circle of friends to keep my occupied, but when I am laying in bed in the middle of the night, I know that there is definitely something missing. I have talked to him about what I want, but I just don't think that he has it in him to be the kind of man that I crave. Please Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 8:43am
eve1970...

Pianoguy has heard of "The 7-Year Itch" (usually connected to married males becoming attracted to another woman), but perhaps you're experiencing THE 8-YEAR ITCH?

There's a very limited profile on you, but I get the impression that your business is more of a diversion? In other words...it'll preoccupy your time and take the place of your unhappy marriage.

The only danger is that you'll probably meet somebody connected with your work..and this could lead to an affair? So before this happens...why not take your husband out to dinner and have an HONEST discussion as to what you want...and if your marriage is something that should continue another 8 years? Maybe---there are issues on HIS SIDE too?

Sorry I can't be more positive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 10:38am
I have to believe at one time you felt passion for this man, afterall ... you married him. *smile* As time goes by and the daily routine sets in, all the notions of fairytales and Prince Charming and happily ever after can dwindle to "I'm bored." I think we tend to expect a lot from the person we marry. They are responsible for the sizzle ... the spark ... the butterflies we felt when we first fell in love. Actually ... they're not ... they never were! When we first fall in love we think about all the things we absolutely love about this person. "He's so cute when he smiles like that!" ... "I love it when his hair falls over his forehead like that!" ... "He's so FUNNY!!!" ... It's exciting and new and we just can't think about anything else! As time goes by and the routine of daily life sets in, we get busy. We forget to have those wonderful thoughts about him. "He's so cute ..." gets replaced with "He left the toilet seat up, AGAIN!" "He's so FUNNY!" gets replaced with, "How can he joke around when I had such an awful day at work????" I firmly believe that our thoughts control our emotions and WE control our thoughts! My suggestion would be anytime you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, say to yourself ... "STOP!" ... and replace it with a positive thought. The reason we feel so passionate in the beginning is because we do have those positive thoughts ... we thought it was this person making us feel this way ... it wasn't ... it was our thoughts. Now our thoughts are making us feel resentment ... boredom ... disappointment. You have a child with this man ... you have a home with him ... you have memories with him! Think of the wonderful memories ... think of all the things you admire about him, even the smallest things. When you look at him, make yourself think something wonderful about him ... after a while, you'll find yourself smiling inside and then he'll catch you smiling and may even ask why you're smiling ... tell him you're smiling because you're so happy and you love him so much. He may even start having wonderful thoughts about you again too!!! Take care and God Bless!!! Guen
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:43am
Hi Pianoguy,

Thanks for your post. The problem is that I have talked to my husband about what I want many, many, many times. It pretty much goes like this: I tell him that I would like for him to be more affectionate towards me, he says that he will and then nothing changes. This is the way that it has been. One can only say the same thing so many different times in so many different ways. I am never confrontational or accusatory, just always, "I wish you would do this, or that."

I know that long-term relationships require maintenance, but I think this is getting to be a bit much...

eve1970

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 10:01am
eve1970...

Please ask yourself this one question:

"Would I honestly be happier if my husband was out of my life and I was in a relationship with a different man?" Don't rush into a YES or NO answer without making a list of 'pros & cons' first.

Pianoguy is probably one of the few men who will admit that HE'S NOT PERFECT. There are flaws in his personality...but come to think of it..."Who DOESN'T have some kind of flaw or two?" (We're talking both sexes here). But lack of affection for the person you're supposed to be in love with for life seems to contradict the whole point of getting together in the first place, doesn't it?

If you honestly feel that all the 'maintenance' of this marriage has been on your shoulders...and your husband doesn't appear to be interested in providing a minimum amount of affection...why not consider a trial separation? Divorce would definitely finalize everything, but a trial separation can often 'wake up a couple!'

One thing for sure is that NOBODY likes to feel unappreciated...and I sense from your post that you definitely do! Hopefully, this problem will have a 'happy' ending?

Pianoguy




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:33pm
I can really sympathize with you!!! I am in the same situation. I have been married for 6 1/2 years and have a 6 year old son. Yes, we were engaged until the pregnancy came about and pushed up the date. We have had our share of ups and downs, but in the 6 years we seem to have drifted apart, almost in two different directions. No matter how I try to bring up a conversation about these issues in our marriage that I can put my finger on, he doesn't want to talk about it. He has made the statement that he doesn't see anything has changed and my reply is that things have progressively gotten worse. We spend little time together anymore and our conversations have become basic and cordual. I keep telling myself that this will break my son's heart to wreck his current perfect world, but the fact of the matter is that I am no longer happy and content. If it weren't for my son I would have broken this off already. When saying it like this, it sounds selfish but I don't have the passion, the affection, the attention, the trust, or the comfort anymore. We are literally just two civil people living under the same roof with a common child whom we both love and don't want to hurt. I still love him but I am not in love with him and because we still get along, per se, it makes it hard to explain to him that my feelings are no longer there especially after our last discussion in which he mainly listened and didn't want to talk and therefore did not hear everything that was wrong, since then he has made very minor changes but nothing to feed the love needed for a relationship. I have been starting to talk to old friends again and joined some extracurricular activities with my son to keep both of us busy. Everyone I have talked to has been through the divorces that were clear cut, sure, and necessary. To me, because we still get along it makes it hard to break it off and think about having to explain to my son when he gets older that it was my choice to divorce simply because I didn't feel the same about dad anymore, we would be better off as friends. I have already went through all the stages of desperation to make it work, to anger and resentment of his lack of interest, to sadness about this failing marriage and my son's innevitable broken heart, to comfort in knowing that I will be ok if this ends. I am now emotionless and mechanically making it through each day like a robot - take son to school/camp, work, pick son up, cook supper, play with son, do housework, do laundry, bathe and put son to bed, watch news, go to sleep, and it just keeps going round and round without missing a beat. It isn't that I necessarily need another man (don't know that I can do that any time soon), but that he isn't the kind of man for me. I am emotionally drained and tired. I think I just want to figure out how to let him know that my emotions are gone and this should be over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 2:45pm
Hi,

Wow. We do seem to be in the same situation. It is especially difficult to deal with when you have children who need an intact family. I also find myself wondering about how my daughter would deal with a divorce, should that happen. I believe that one can only sacrifice so much in life. You probably feel like me; like you have had the same conversation with your husband so many times that you wonder if anything is getting through at all...

What makes it really tough is that my husband is not a bad person, he is very bright, has never treated me badly at all. I still care for him, but I am not in love with him. I can't make myself feel something that is simply not there. I feel that as we get older, we start putting together the pieces of who we really are, and I have found that there are certain things that I need out of life, and a fullfilling relationship is one of them. I am sure that you feel the same way in wondering if it is possible to be true to yourself and your needs while still protecting your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 2:20pm
Hi again!

Yes, it does. I sounds as though I might be a little further in sorting things out though. Our situation has been going on for awhile and I have point blank asked him in the past if the lack of everything meant he wanted a divorce, but he has said no. At the same time, while he may feel happy or content, I am not as satisfied with everything. He has made comments in the past about after being married for time all couples lose that excitement and newness feeling. I feel that with some effort, couples can do things to help keep that excitement and satisfaction around. In the beginning, it wasn't just lust that made us take our vows, there was something deeper. Now, with us, not only is the lust gone, but a lot of those deeper emotions and attachments are pretty much gone. I don't know about you and your husband, but for us, we don't go out together just us anymore and haven't for a few years, not even to eat. When we do, it is with his friends or family or with our son, which isn't bad, but a date is nice too, even after you are married. I am not very familiar with what your situation may be that has brought you to the routine, boring part of your marriage, but I have had several factors that I can finally put my finger on that have changed, that didn't seem so big at the time, but over time, got old. In a letter I am writing to him, to explain my feelings, I wrote... "After several attempts at trying to talk to you to explain my feelings about where we are now and getting a cold shoulder, I am writing you this letter to get everything out that I have been trying to communicate. I have had to do a lot of thinking lately because I want to do what is right, but I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt, and most of all I don't want to hurt junior with any rash decisions. I love you as a person and as the father of our child, but I feel I have fallen out of love with 'us'. This is why... ...Once I lost that feeling, these issues began to take a toll on our unconditional love. A toll on the unconditional love becomes a love that varies with time and conditional on the elements. I believe my love for you has become one of a close friend whom you want to see happy, even if their happiness is no longer yours. With all of this said, I believe it is best that we go our seperate ways now before these issues take a toll on the friendship we have and is replaced by anger or resentment."

I share this with you not to convince you to divorce your husband, but to instead try to show you what kind of thoughts I have had to go through. I have went through different emotional stages before seemingly becoming emotionless and indifferent to the marriage itself. I just keep trying to keep my son and I busy from everything. I hope some of my thoughts in my situation will help you out. I am at work and must go now but hope to talk more.