Both of us had affairs - will we be ok?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Both of us had affairs - will we be ok?
4
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 7:22pm
Ok were to begin. First of all H & I have been married 10 years. About 5 years ago right after L was born, H made me feel like a single parent. He went out w/ friends I stayed home with baby. I felt unloved, unappreciated, and extremely depressed. I met someone and ended up having an A. After 5 months I realized that my problems weren't solved by the A but actually more complicated so I ended it. I must say it was VERY hard to tell someone who stroked your ego to have NC. But now 5 years later H came to me out of the blue and said "i'm not happy anymore, we fight too much, I'm moving out" when I asked if there was someone else he denied it(but what was I expecting really) He moved in w/ his parents and I went through 3 weeks of hell and came out the otherside. I found out there was someone else. When I asked again he admitted that he'd been seeing someone. Then he did a 180 and said he was sorry and he wanted to try to work things out. He told the OW and he wanted NC we were going to work on our marriage. We adopted a No Secrets Policy. This means we HAVE to fess up if the other questions you. Well, he questioned me about the fact that he'd heard I was cheating on him. I confessed but told him that I'd made my decision and that my marriage was too important to just throw away. I realized that there were problems in the marriage and that the A wasn't helping them only adding more strain. But H has still yet to move back home and it's been 3 weeks. I go see him and he comes over to see me and we spend the weekends together. It's almost like we are dating again. My question is this, am I wasting my time trying to hold onto something that isn't there? And can a marriage survive when both partners have had A's
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:15am
Affairs are based on needs or what is missing in life and never based on love.Your affair proved it and so did his. For 2 ppl to overcome the pain and suffering from an A, it has to begin with trust, which can only be done by paying up what you owe your partner. I dont think details are nescessary for an A other than the fact, you for one admitted it complicated your life more and He, after 3 weeks wanted to work things out with you. Because both of you had an affair you both should sit down and talk about what it was you felt you were missing and fix that, start to love each other and trust again, add more romance and explore a world of intimacy you 2 may have been missing. Trust comes with commitment and commitment comes from proof of trust. I too have been in your situation.I hope this helps, good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:04pm
Thanks so much for your response. H told me after a little proding that he was lonely. I have a very busy social schedule and tried to include him when possible but our time together before was very limited if any other than a couple of hours each night. He hasn't moved back home yet. He says he loves me with all of his heart but we are taking things very slow. We want to work out all of the problems and turmoil before we are occupying the same spaces again. We are finding out that we still get along great with some disagreements but when we approach a subject that we know will make one or the other "unconfortable" or could lead to an argument we just agree to disagree. I have talked about MC but for now we are (I feel) doing pretty good on our own. I have cut my schedule back to have and am putting more & more effort into spending quality time with him even if it's doing nothing but watching a TV show or just lounging on the couch. I just need everyone to pray for us. We are trying. I never knew just how hard this would be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:14pm
My prayers are with you both. My wife just returned home after a 3 month stay with her sister altho she stayed with me on weekends, well most. My A 4yrs ago lead to her A last year, which litterly drove her to depression in which meds helped her alot. I was so lonely thru the week but at the same time i was her biggest supporter..Good Luck, but i have a feeling you 2 will be fine :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:30pm
Most couple's can't do it on their own, if you think you are, then great.... make sure you address all the issues.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr


Carrie