Boyfriend and Ex
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Boyfriend and Ex
| Sun, 07-04-2004 - 11:38am |
I'm twenty and have been dating a really great guy for about three months now. For a year and a half before that we flirted and talked for hours several times a week, but he was still partially involved with another girl so nothing really became of it. About two months after they broke up though we began dating. At first he was super attentive, wanted to see me non-stop, etc. and I thought I had found my dream man. As time went on though it became clear he was still not completely over his ex. Just before our month anniversary he drove to her college to attend a music recital she was performing in. I was furious, but he was open with me about the situation and in the end, still wanted to date me so I let it go. I know two months later though, he still has lingering feelings for his ex. He also claims he cares very deeply about me. The ex wants nothing to do with him and constantly berates him, but one day she did call him and say she wanted him back. Nothing became of it in the end, but I've been terrified of losing him ever since. I constantly fear he's going to go back to her and don't really trust him that much. Once I read his e-mail to see if she had been talking to him (which I did end up telling him about) and now I'm afraid to go on vacation this weekend because it's her birthday and I'm scared if I'm gone, he'll try to see her. I've also become sort of needy and overly critical of him. I hate this person I've become around him, but I can't seem to stop it.
I really want to stay with him because I think if you took the ex out of the equation we'd be great, but at the same time because she is there, I end up feeling perpetually hearbroken. So a few questions:
1. Is it possible to have strong feelings for two people at once and can people have a relationship even with a lingering ex?
2. What can I do to stop my horrible behavior?
3. What, if anything, can I do to help my boyfriend heal the pain of the past relationship so he's better equipped to move on with ours.
Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance!

Yes to the strong feelings for two people.... it's call confusion and not being totally heal and false hope. The second part - yes, people do it all the time, it's called REBOUND.
2. What can I do to stop my horrible behavior?
You have to realize and accept that you can't 'police' him or the relationship. He wil do what he wants or find a way to do it. But I also know that letting go isn't easy.
3. What, if anything, can I do to help my boyfriend heal the pain of the past relationship so he's better equipped to move on with ours.
That has to come from him. Right now, he doesn't have to deal with his feelings, grief and emotions because you hare there, being an emotional handrail for him. He doesn't have to deal with is own pain and emotions.... he doesn't have to invest in his healing.
Sorry you have to go through this. This is the reason most people won't get involved with someone that has just gone through a break-up.
My best to you.
Carrie
Did he tell you this directly? How can you sit around and let this happen to you?
' The ex wants nothing to do with him and constantly berates him.....I've also become sort of needy and overly critical of him."
Interesting, so he is attracted to women who treat him poorly.
' , but one day she did call him and say she wanted him back. Nothing became of it in the end,'
Why? Because she changed her mind or he realized he is over her? The answer is critical.
'don't really trust him that much.'
Then why not take control. Find someone who is not on the rebound and who is dedicated to you.
'I think if you took the ex out of the equation we'd be great,'
Really? What about the fact that you berate him? Is that really because of another person? What about the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend with you ( I know it wasn't physical, I am talking about emotionally cheating and lying to her)
Just wanted to clarify that point.
What about the other points that I made?
Yes, he told me directly and I let it happen because I can't control how he feels and I'm not going to dump him just because he momentarily has some feelings for a past love.
'The ex wants nothing to do with him and constantly berates him.....I've also become sort of needy and overly critical of him." Interesting, so he is attracted to women who treat him poorly.
I don't feel I treat him badly, but yes, he was attracted to ex who treated him badly. Right now he is in therapy seeking out help for some issues with that.
'but one day she did call him and say she wanted him back. Nothing became of it in the end,' Why? Because she changed her mind or he realized he is over her? The answer is critical.
I think they both decided that it wouldn't be a good idea because they can't even talk to each other without being mean.
don't really trust him that much.' Then why not take control. Find someone who is not on the rebound and who is dedicated to you.
I think he is dedicated to me and I like this guy enough where I don't really want to find someone else. Maybe not trusting him was a strong phrase to use because overall I do, but I just fear maybe his emotions regarding the ex will get the better of him.
'I think if you took the ex out of the equation we'd be great,'
Other than my occasional over critizim of him, which I feel is somewhat due to my feelings of the ex, we really do have a good relationship. We don't fight, we enjoy each other's company, care about each other, are physically compatible, etc. I really feel if the ex wasn't involved that this would be my dream relationship.
My opinion, is yes, it's possible to feel for two people, but eventually one or the other will be the stronger relationship. Two relationships, simultaneously, can't last forever.
2. What can I do to stop my horrible behavior?
I have a strong opinion on this -- I used to act the same way, and it drove me insane. I think you have to force yourself to leave this alone. You can't possible guard him all day, and you lose a little dignity by getting so wrapped up in it. If your BF misbehaves while you're away, you WILL find out about it eventually.... and you'll only make yourself crazy in the meantime. When you see your behavior getting bad, just choose to stop and do something else until the mood passes. For me, I had a problem driving past my old college BF's apartment to see if he was home alone. After a while I said to myself "No way will I behave like that... it's crazy... I'll just wait for one of his buddies to spill the beans"
3. What, if anything, can I do to help my boyfriend heal the pain of the past relationship so he's better equipped to move on with ours.
I don't think there is anything you can do here. I think if he continues to feed on this old relationship, you will eventually get sick of it, say "so long, Buster" and dump him.
That's my two cents.
Good luck,
Elmira