Boyfriend and Ex - please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Boyfriend and Ex - please help
4
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 8:35pm
I cheated on my boyfriend of 6 years with another man and not only did I cheat on him, but I lived in a different city so I actually had two ongoing, serious relationships at the same time for about 2 years. I finally spilled the beans because my mind couldn't take it anymore, and I couldn't be more depressed, both about how I hurt two people I love and also having feelings of supremely low self esteem and self hatred for being such a horrible person. How do I overcome these feelings? I want to be with my boyfriend, but I can't help but feel an obligation to my friend because he really didn't do anything wrong in this whole situation, it was all my fault. It seems like any solution I choose ends up with me feeling like sh*t. Should I just drop both of them and be single for awhile? I just don't know how to break this horrible cycle. Thanks for your help.
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:34pm

Silly question, I know but are they letting you choose?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 10:13am

No offense, but after leading these people on for that long, you shouldnt exactley feel that great, or expect too. What you did was unexcusable and unforgivable and you should feel lucky that these guys are even giving you a second thought.


If i were you, I would decide who i want to be with real quick and start convincing them as to why they should give you a second chance because im sure there will be some trust issues with both of these guys after what you pulled.


Good luck,


 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:00am

The first thing to realize is that we all make mistakes and you are not a horrible person. Until you find a way to forgive yourself and understand what the motivating forces were that drove you to this, all solutions will not satisfy you. The real solution here is self forgiveness and understanding. That's the first point. The second point is this - you said that you discussed what happened and "spilled the beans". This is good. What was the reaction of the one you told this to? Take that into account. Apologize if you feel you did wrong, and determine to start a new way of life. You do not have to be with someone out of guilt and obligation. Each person deserves to be with someone they truly love and want. (including your friend). Take some time to sort this out. See how both of these individuals feel about moving forward and most importantly see how you feel.


I believe it would also be of great help to you to have some counselling with a professional to help you work out your self hate. This is the greatest impediment to moving forward wisely. I would also suggest you get a copy of my book Zen And The Art Of FAlling In Love, which deals with these issues in depth and has many wonderful exercisess which will help you feel better about yourself and move forward in the right way.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:27pm
Recognizing the issue is half of it. Now that you know the problem - low self-esteem - with all the symptoms of that feeling - your behavior, choices, 2 yrs is a long time to lead a double life. So what do you do, read some good self-help books on self-esteem and go to counseling.

As for the two guys, I'm not sure either of them would trust you in a long-term relationship if they know the depth of your betrayal, so maybe you don't have to decide between the two. Your thought of being alone awhile is a good one, to help you know yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself, figure out what you value, who you are, what motivates you and what makes you tick.

Reading material to consider:

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

My best to you on your path of self-discovery.


Carrie