boyfriend and family problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
boyfriend and family problems
4
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 7:06pm

Ever since my boyfriend and I started dating several years ago, we have to deal with all of his older sister's problems. I am not talking about normal family problems, but he is constantly helping her get out of situations that she has put herself in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 8:25pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 1:48pm

Welcome to the board frenchgirlie82,


Before you get married, go to premartial counseling.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-31-2008 - 2:43pm

Your boyfriend is co-dependent with his sister and needs psychological help to understand what's going on and how negatively she is impacting his life. He also needs to understand that he cannot help her, but just get pulled down the drain himself. However, that said, if he is unwilling to face the pathology in this relationship then if you marry him, you marry her. Already you say you do not want a wedding because of her. She will control every aspect of your relationship. It is up to him to grow up, be strong, be clear and set appropriate boundaries. In his mind, you are making him choose between you and her. He may not be able to do that. However, in reality, he does have to. He has to choose to live his own life and support and protect the woman he marries. He sees this as abandonning his sister. So, in order for things to ever work out here, he would have to get some really good therapy and do some growing. It would also take time.


Take a careful look at the situation. Ask him if he'd be willing to work with a therapist, and if not, then realize there's little likelihood that things will change.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 8:21pm
He has stepped back a little bit with how much he takes from her and I know that he listens to me some. Sometimes I catch him telling his mother the exact same thing I have said to him about how they should handle his sister. It is just letting go completely and I have told him that we will need some counseling if this persists. I really appreciate your response. It makes me feel better that I am not insane for feeling like this.