Boyfriend and I have agreed to start over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
Boyfriend and I have agreed to start over.
4
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 8:56pm

After an emotional 2 weeks of taking time apart, my boyfriend and I met to talk about our relationship.  I told him how I felt about us, how we both agreed from the first time we met that we had an instant connection.  That while as individuals we are different people we have qualities of each other inside us.  When we are together it's like we are balanced and as one.  He had felt that I was hesitant about the relationship but I wasn't.  I showed him my feelings through my actions, and I guess he didn't understand that.  We agreed to start over.  He said he isn't ready yet to rush back into how serious we had been.  And that if I don't hear from him for a while, that it didn't mean he wasn't taking this seriously.  I agreed to not rush things and we kissed and hugged before we both headed to our own apts.  

I'm glad we are going to rebuild our relationship and I really want us to be a strong couple.  Before this we both agreed we had everything working for us, chemistry, compatibility, love, affection.  I'm trying to be patient because I know he doesn't want to rush things.  It's been almost a week since we met and we've had one email exchange since.  I had sent him an email to say hi and he responded.  I guess I'm wondering how long it will be until we get to meet again.  If I ask I might be putting pressure on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2013
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 5:27pm

i am not on here to agree or disagree with what others are saying. i am straight forward and honest. I am in a similar situation, well... mostly. the guy i have been seeing and myself have been on and off since august, we lost a baby in january, and recently he hooked up with his ex (whom he has a son with and claimed he always loved her)... after a run in with the police on domestic violence charges, he claims to love me, and want a family with me. and seems to be fighting for me... but i cant tell whether or not i should believe him, or he just wants me help in court with the sentencing, bc in my state they go by the victims recommendations. I don't know what to think, he says he doesnt want his ex any more, that he could never be with her, that he was htining about his son being happy and having a family but not himself, that he wants to be with me... man it sucks. so i feel you... how do you really know when someone is being honest? for starters if he wants you, like everyone else is saying, he will come to you, if you as hard as it is you have to move on. you will find someone you deserve. and being in a similar situation i know that is the last thing you want to hear, and its extremely difficult to comprehend.... as they say, easier said than done. I am in love with my guy, head over heels, would do anything for him... deep down i know the best thing to do is to walk away and avoid being hurt more, but its easier said than done.... you do what you need to move on with you life. just remember, no matter how hard it gets, you will eventually look back and realize you truly did deserve better. :-) good luck. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 10:48am

A boyfriend who is worthy of me would want to speak to me at least once a day when we're apart because he misses me and wants to know how my day is going. A boyfriend worthy of me would be arranging to see me once or twice a week because he enjoys my company.  If he's a good boyfriend, I would feel secure because he makes me feel special, and shows that I'm a priority. I bet you feel very frustrated and anxious right now because he's not doing any of these things and you're on shaky ground. Actions speak louder than words. If he was really into you, he'd want to speak to you daily, and he'd be setting up weekly dates with you. 

Don't settle for someone who leaves you hanging. Sometimes people just don't gel. I once briefly dated a guy who I was attracted to, and I loved his intelligence and sense of humor. Unfortunately, I never established a sense of comfort with him. I felt like I was under a microscope with him. Since I could never feel comfortable around him, he broke up with me. Then I met my future husband, and was comfortable with him the minute I met him and he was very happy with me. There was nothing wrong with me. Maybe there was nothing wrong with the previous guy I dated, or maybe he was at fault for making me feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter. We  just didn't fit. When you find a guy you fit with, you'll feel content and confident that he's worth your time and energy. Keep cutting the wrong ones loose so you can find Mr. Right. Good luck.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 11:46am

westkym wrote:
<p>After an emotional 2 weeks of taking time apart, my boyfriend and I met to talk about our relationship.  I told him how I felt about us, how we both agreed from the first time we met that we had an instant connection.  That while as individuals we are different people we have qualities of each other inside us.  When we are together it's like we are balanced and as one.  He had felt that I was hesitant about the relationship but I wasn't.  I showed him my feelings through my actions, and I guess he didn't understand that.  We agreed to start over.  He said he isn't ready yet to rush back into how serious we had been.  And that if I don't hear from him for a while, that it didn't mean he wasn't taking this seriously.  I agreed to not rush things and we kissed and hugged before we both headed to our own apts.  </p><p>I'm glad we are going to rebuild our relationship and I really want us to be a strong couple.  Before this we both agreed we had everything working for us, chemistry, compatibility, love, affection.  I'm trying to be patient because I know he doesn't want to rush things.  It's been almost a week since we met and we've had one email exchange since.  I had sent him an email to say hi and he responded.  I guess I'm wondering how long it will be until we get to meet again.  If I ask I might be putting pressure on him.</p>

How is the job search going?  Is he still saying that you're too focused on getting a job?

If not hearing from him for a while isn't about him not taking things seriously, then what is it about?  How can he put any time into rebuilding anything when he's nowhere around to do any heavy lifting or, at the very least, calling on a consistent basis?  It's all supposed to come down to you to do the heavy lifting here?  He's going to waltz in when he feels like it and make criticisms about how all of your building is falling short of the mark?

To me, it looks like he's the one who's acting hesitant, not you. From what you've written in this thread and your other thread, he's standing back telling you to "jump" and you're asking "how high? Which direction would make you happy?"

How in the world can you "rush things" when he's constantly out of contact?  He said he wants another go with you: it's more than reasonable for you to ask him when you two are going to see each other again, unless you two are going to be pen pals or something like that.

I have a feeling that he's seeing someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 1:06am

How long have you two been together?  This sounds like a new relationship, and all of the "instant connections" in the world soon fade in most relationships.  You paint a beautiful picture......Chemistry, compatibility, love, affection.......Happy happy happy!!!!   So why do you need to be apart?  He says he felt you were "hesitant" about the relationship?  What does that mean?  I have a feeling that this is just his way of letting you down easily.  He said he doesn't want to rush into things.....he said if you don't hear from him he will be taking it seriously???  And so you emailed him to say hi?  He responded? 

When a guy says he needs time, or he needs space, what he's really saying is that he wants out.  Don't email him.  If he wants to talk to you , he will contact you.  If he doesn't contact you, that means the relationship is over.  You can't force him to come back.  If he wants to he will.  Emailing him or texting him is NOT going to make him come back, either.